Jonathan and Rhianna Sittin in a Tree....

Wow what a night. J is a great BF, just saying. First of all we had planned on me coming to spend the night like...all week. So then it rained like all day. And I HATE driving in the rain, soooooooo he came and got me at work. When I walked in to his place....



and these were waiting for me on the fireplace. Not only that but while I was changing he brought down dinner. He got me the same thing I had on our first date, including the pint of green sauce I always get when I get to-go Gringos for myself. Hes such a good listener. The night was perfect and he makes me so happy :)

I am so sleepy now tho. Up till 5:30 ish and up around 9:30. Plus the sleep was very interrupted. The newness of being in bed together....man. I am normally a champion sleeper. I still have half my shift to go and I am fighting a losing battle of the heavy eyelids.

Oh PS...he loves me. He said it himself :) If you need me I'll be off floating on cloud 9 somewhere...taking a nap!

3.5 Hours

J gave me a Kindle Fire on Weds night and I am reading the 50 Shades Trilogy. Its good. It makes me think a lot. I am almost finished w/ the first book. I do love having the Kindle, thank you again babe ;) I wish Tumblr would get a real ap for the tablets.
I'm going to J's tonight for dinner. And then to spend the night. I am so glad. We seem to have a hard time leaving each other when we are finally together. lol And its been a few days since I've seen him. I miss him.
Its weird, I was noticing last night that...this might be hard to get out properly, nothing matters now to me except this, him, us. I mean, friends, family, work, etc, still matter. I just mean everything leading up to finding and meeting him. Its like its all faded away. You can scan thru my blog and see all the crap I have had the wonderful experience with. And now its like who cares. Maybe it was all worth it. I def appreciate what I have now. Would I not have if I didnt go thru all that? I dont think it would have changed ME. I am a great GF, lol.

Oh well who knows, who cares. I just want to enjoy....this.
God I cant wait for tonight...

He Amazes Me

My have things have changed in one week.

J. Hmmm where do I even start. He makes me so happy. All the little things that worried me in the beginning, they are gone, faded away. I dont care about any of it. That worrier side of me. The over analyzing. The wonderer. He has calmed that all down. I would say the changing moment for me was the night we went bowling. Our first date was good, and so was the 2nd but I feel like (and I've heard too) that you are really your true self by the 3rd date. And I felt that way w/ him that night. There have been other little milestones we have crossed since then, the first kiss and the sex talk (that I wanted to have so bad), lol. I feel like now we are really comfortable and completely relaxed around one another.
I have enjoyed just being w/ him. Cuddling on the couch at his place watching tv...thats so nice. His arm around me, holding hands. I dont want to forget these times. Where everything is so simple yet so amazing at the same time.
So, Tuesday we met at his place, went to dinner and then just cuddled on the couch. I met Donna and Bri - his brothers fiance and her daughter. I watched him help Bri w/ her homework which was adorable. LOL Like I said we did have the "sex" talk. That sounds so funny. It was just important to me that I get that out of the way. I didnt wanna fall any further for this man until I knew we were on the same page.
Wednesday he came to my place and met Chance. Had dinner. Then we hung out for awhile until he really really needed to get home for work in the morning.
Its so hard to be away from each other. I miss him and it sucks that between my schedule and our distance we can only see each other 3 times a week.

Hmmm...I'm all lrngvfoirjcjireo;vhe;vn;ovrnjiopvfheroik on the inside. I love this feeling :) I feel like my thoughts are all jumbled tho...

Anyway, here we are in all our adorableness.



A Mans Place

In a relationship I find it very important that male and female roles are mostly followed. Partly bc I am old fashioned and partly bc I am submissive (no not like whips and chains, well.... no not like that). I believe that men and women should behave a certain way.

Men are to be bread winners (mostly), the head of the house (no matter the ladder), strong, aggressive, sexual, handy, yet loving, tender and affectionate while still maintaining (and demanding) control and respect from their spouse and children. I expect my man to fix and maintain my car/house, mow the yard, take out the trash, fill my tank and be dominate in bed.

Woman are to be supportive, loving, affectionate and caring, respectful of their men. They should take his word as the final say and not try and make him a push over. I expect myself to keep up the house work,  cooking/baking, taking care of the daily errands, providing meals for my man outside the home, and be available for sex.

These I believe are necessary for a success marriage.

Now I do believe that this is not set in stone and there are, of course, variations for every family but it boils down to respecting your man and his place in your life and vice versa. Yes you are still equal and when I say control and such I am not speaking of a dysfunctional/abusive situations, I am speaking more along the lines of the 50's era and previous.
Yes I realize that the womans rights were not as they are today and I am dont mean to take any of that away. A woman can work, and vote, wear pants, lol. And the man can cook and clean, etc. Dont lose your voice and just say yes sir yes sir, but dont take advantage of his trust and tenderness towards you either.

Now these are things that work for me and you may think differently but I have seen first hand couples who live mostly towards this life style and they are very happy and successful. I look up to them and hope my next marriage will be like this.

So to go along those lines, I have noticed I subconsciously do something based on whether I respect your place as a man in my life. If we are in bed and you are closest to the door I respect you, if not then I dont. I subconsciously do that and its has been about 95% accurate. lol Craziness.

That Spark

Thursday was another date w/ J. We ordered pizza and pay per view. And then when he was leaving he kissed me again...and I felt it. No not that. Get your minds outta the gutter. I felt that spark that had been missing this whole time. And I was going crazy waiting for it. I wanted to like him so much. And I was SOOOO worried that I wasnt going to ever get there. Normally its instant, but I have had relationships were it wasnt. And it doesnt change anything as long as it gets there. lol And now I am happy.

I'm going to his place tonight when I get off work. I'm so excited!! And nervous, but only bc his brother and his fiance live there too. I really dont wanna have to drive home afterwards but I dont wanna invite myself to spend the night either...we'll have to see what happens. I did bring clothes just in case I got the invite. Ugh I really hope so.

Amanda over at Mom Burnt Dinner, who recently had WLS, is dropping weight like a rockstar(ummm yeah, lol). And after contacting her tonight, I am going to be the proud owner of some gently used plus sized clothing she no longer needs. Very exciting for me. I am always willing to take clothes of peoples hands. I hope one day I'll be the one giving my stuff to some other awesome chick. If my ins/job ever gets a bariatric surgeon so I can get approved for WLS too.

I am thinking about joining Weight Watchers tho. I have been feeling the urge to lose weight lately. I am scared. I dont wanna regain and get even bigger. So I gotta make sure this is gonna be a lifetime change. I'm hoping I can get J to join w/ me. And we can do it together. That would be awesome.

Alrighty, thats all for tonight, nighty nighty! :)

Happy and Not

Well, I am officially off the market, lol. I am now in a relationship w/ Jonathan. We went on our....6th(?) date tonight, a movie, Hit and Run. It was very good. I was a lot better w/ being affectionate. We held hands and sat next to each other this time.

Can you believe it? LOL Yeah I know. Neither can I.

I had planned on talking to him about "us" during the previews but I chickened out. BUT I did call him on the way home and was like look I'm just checking, we are official right? I was just making sure we were on the same page. And I said you wanna be my boyfriend? And his reply was only if you're gonna be my girlfriend?! lol Of course.

We are the biggest dorks ever.

Reba McEntire & Kelly Clarkson - Does He Love You

Friends Forever?

Ok I had been debating whether I wanted to talk about this/how I wanted to. But it is my blog and I can talk about whatever I want to. So with that said my topic is:
Breaking up w/ Friends.
This is very hard to accomplish. I have many times in my life been at a cross road w/ a friendship. Wanting to end it for one reason or another. And its so hard. No matter the reason. Too far. Too much baggage. Too needy. They are selfish/bad friends. Etc. All of those are legit reasons. How do you do it? Let it fade away, but that requires the other person to also let it die. Tell the other person. That takes balls but is ultimately a good choice.
IDK...
But what I do know is that sometimes you just don't have time to add a new friend to your line up. Especially if that person wants/needs a lot of actual time from you. Or you could have been in a situation where you weren't intending to really maintain a friendship but it kinda happened but then you found yourself in a weird place. An ex who wants to be friends, hang out, do things, sounds a lot like dating, but don't develop feelings for them bc its one sided. And you'll just be hurting yourself. A HS bff who you've outgrown and physically drains you when the 2 of you are together.
Sometimes it hurts you to see them end. Sometimes it feels like a weight has been lifted. And others you feel guilty about. Or what if you are the one being broken up with. That's always crushing...

I think the easiest way and least soul damaging is the slow goodbye. And if you realize that is happening to you, re-evaluate your relationship w/ that person and chose your reaction. Defensive? Confrontational? Acceptance? If you chose to confront your (ex)friend be prepared to potentially be ignored. Or maybe hear some things about yourself you don't wanna hear. If you decide to let it go, don't judge yourself or think poorly on that person. Not everyone can be best friends. People are meant to come and go in your life. You live and learn from each other. It doesn't have to be a bad thing to let people go.

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they are right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so that better things can fall together." Marilyn Monroe

PS I do think that some friendships stay in your life forever and just come and go thru different life cycles. Also if you love someone and need them in your life you can totally fight to keep them there. But know the difference and listen to your heart.

Catch 22

So Jonathan. Wednesday we went bowling and then talked in his truck until after 1 am. Only talking, nothing extra bc apparently we are in the 8th grade. OMG. Then Thursday he said he would like to see me more then once a week. I agreed and we ended up going out that night to dinner. Afterwards I invited him back to my place and we watch part of a movie until he had to go. Nothing extra. I actually sat in the recliner and he sat on the couch bc we are def in 8th grade. WTF is happening!! I am not at all blaming him. I'm freaking out bc the longer time goes by w/o us moving forward the worse my nerves and anxiety are going to be. I was literally SCREAMING in my head SIT ON THE COUCH!! OMG. lol But yeah I never did and I suck at life.

BUT

He did kiss me goodbye.
Finally.

It was awkward and we clinked teeth and yeah...We laughed about it tho so that was good. And I said we'll get this right eventually. lol And then he left. I wish I would have been like REDO!!! But I didn't. Another kicking myself moment. Sigh...I need him to be a little more...aggressive. I don't wanna jump into bed w/ him. And I am glad that he is respectful and not rushing me...but I DO want him to make me feel desired, and sexy. Theres the catch for ya guys. Sorry we are so complicated.

<3

VMA's, Marc and Jonathan

Hmmm lets see, my weekend...Tues was the 2nd date w/ Jonathan (more on that later), Weds my dad and Chaz changed my break pads, then I took my dad out to dinner for doing them/belated bday dinner from me. Thurs I went grocery shopping and got stuff for the crazy party I was planning for that night, LOL. JK For the VMA's I invited Krystal over. I did try a new recipe. I made a jalapeno bacon popper dip. It was good but a lot for 2 people. I should have cut the recipe in half. Bc I am lactose intolerant but usually its not too bad an issue. This killed me. I thought I was dying. But sooooooooooo good.

So 2nd date w/ Jonathan.
We went to the movies. It was a little weird seeing Hope Springs w/ someone you arent yet umm that romantically involved w/ yet. Lesson learned. It was weird also bc we didnt sit next to each other. I kept thinking I should scoot over, but never did. AND I am kicking myself for not getting movie snacks. Especially when someone else is paying :) He walked me to my car and ugh said goodnight.
Its so awful. I hate the newness, I mean I dont but I do. Its so weird. The whole is he gonna kiss me, what if he tries w/ tongue and I dont or vice versa...THE PRESSURE! Sheesh...
But yeah hes sweet. I can already see where this is going. I can tell he likes me. We talked a little last night and he was saying how he feels like he can open up to me. He has started calling me sweetie. And when I made a comment about my hair not growing. He asked why I wanted it long, I told him and he was like well I like it the way it is. Awww. We have already started planning our 3rd date for when I get back from Temple. I havent decided where I wanna go yet.

There is a "cold" front thats supposed to come in tonight. I cant freaking wait. I am excited for fall. Especially if things go well w/ J I'll finally have a date for the family bonfires. Yay! :) That makes me happy.

Mkay well...back to work for me lol yeah right

To my asshole :)

Passing Time

Ok so technically this is a tumblr thing and you are supposed to have your reader/followers ask you numbers and then you answer BUT I am so unbelievalbly bored at work and am trying to feel some time. I have been here for almost 7 hrs have 3.5 to go and I've taken only like 10 calls MAYBE 15 but I doubt it. When a typical day is like 100 calls or something.

1: What are you wearing? I came to work straight from church so more dressy then a normal Sunday, black slacks and a blue blouse

2: Ever been in love? psh yes

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? hmmm yes

4: How tall are you? 5'2"

5: How much do you weigh? enough :)

6: Any tattoos do you want? yes a few, one is to symbolize a very important person in my life and our relationship havent decided what I want it to be yet, maybe a cowboy hat/boots or maybe an elephant, and then I also what the astroworld logo

7: Any piercings that you want? I want my nipples pierced but wont do it for 2 reasons 1 afraid I'll lose sensation and they are super sensitive and 2 bc holy balls thats seems painful

8: OTP? what?

9: Favorite Show? Big Brother currently...I also like Pop Up Video thats been a fav since JR High

10: Favorite bands? I like country singers, not bands, Kenny Chesney, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Tim McGraw, etc

11: Something you miss? hmmm first instinct was to say Chance but hes not something, I miss the way I used to be happy, carefree happy, I am happy now but its like a ok happy

12: Favorite song? Wanted Hunter Hayes

13: How old are you? 30

14: Zodiac sign? Cancer

15: Hair Color? reddish

16: Favorite Quote? "Nothing lasts forever. So live it up, drink i down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, and never have regrets. Because at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted."

17: Favorite singer? Dustin Lynch

18: Favorite color? PINK!!

19: Loud music or soft? both, loud for road trips, soft for sleepy times

20: Where do you go when you're sad? I talk to Krystal, mom, Marc

21: How long does it take you to shower? 10-15 mins

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 30 mins

23: Ever been in a physical fight? yes

24: Turn ons? agressive men, yummy cologne, pretty eyes/smile, strong arms, good kisser

25: Turn offs? girly men, BO, rudeness

26: The reason I joined Tumblr? to repost dirty pics and other stuffs

27: Fears? not finding true love, being robbed/raped, fire, bad car accident

28: Last thing that made you cry? grr I am trying so hard to remember...it was something on tv and it was sad/sweet

29: Last time you cried? the other day

30: Meaning behind your url? my tumblr url is only as your secret bc I seem to be someone secret

31: Last book you read? The Help

32: Last song you listened to? actually I'm listening to my ipod since its been forever Mr Wrong

33: Last show you watched? House Hunters

34: Last person you talked to? Jasmine at work

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Chris, we dated, now we're friends

36: Favorite food? man, I get on kicks, right now I am on a chili cheese fries kick

37: Place you want to visit? I wanna see a lot of places, I would like to visit more of the US, Ireland, Paris, Spain, the typical answers

38: Last place you were? I'm at work but before here was my gparents after church

39: Do you have a crush? yep, I actually am at the very beginning of a crush w/ Johnathan

40: Last time you kissed someone? oh man...its been a long time, ...?

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? probably something about my weight, I dont care

42: What color underwear are you wearing? multi colored stripes

43: What color shirt are you wearing? blue

44: What color bottoms are you wearing? black

45: Wearing any bracelets? nope I dont really wear jewelry

46: Last sport you played? like just a quick game vollyball in the pool

47: Last song you sang? I Could Fall in Love - Selena (at my landlords party)

48: Last prank call you remember doing? oh it was horrible, my bff had a friend who would call every night and she was tired of it, so we played this big joke on him that I not only slept w/ her BF but that I was pregnant, does that count? it was a phone call?

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? it was Krystal on Weds, we swam

50: Favorite movie? Dazed and Confused

I Got Called Out

One day last week, Russell came over and as we were talking I was saying how I am a different person then I was when we separated. He started talking about how when we were dating, then a few years into our marriage, one of the things he loved about me was my love for my church and faith in God. He said he was sad to see that I wasnt going anymore. He mentioned how happy I would be and how important it was to me to go every week.

This convo had been on my mind since then.

He was right. I was happier in church. My grandparents and mom go so its a chance to see them. I was baptised, confirmed (and married) in this church. I feel home there and when I leave I have been recharged for the week.

But I stopped going. And the longer you are away the harder it is to go back. You find so many excuses to not go. I used to find reasons TO go. But now I work on Sundays. Oh I know that I dont have to be there till 2 but I need my sleep. Everyone takes a break from church in their 20's. I can go next Sunday. I want to go every Sunday when I have my own family.

Then of course the unspoken reasons. I'm embarrassed to go to church. I left my husband. God (and the church, the people) doesnt approve of divorce. I should have made it work. I should have tried harder. Plus look what I'm doing now. I cant go to church knowing the choices I make everyday are so wrong. How can I sit in this building and say I want God to be in my heart, my soul and my life when I am not deserving.

Lets not forget the other side. I'm angry. Pissed off at how my life has played out w/ my family. Why would God let me and my faithful family suffer? Havent we been thru enough?! We have gone to church, praised His name, prayed, sung, volunteered, read the Bible, spread His word (sometimes)...etc. Why does it seem those who believe and try are punished?! The struggle in our family is constant. One thing after another. Where is the Blessing? We tithe. We were there.

You know what, none of that matters. God loves me despite all of that. Hes with me whether I go to church or not, so its not like any of that matters. If he wanted to control our lifes and make us perfect we wouldnt have free will. But we do. We fail. We sin. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. Jesus is our Savior and His life was given to spare me and my sinful ways.

So guess what I did.
I got up today and went to church.
And now I feel great.

I understand there are a lot of people, even some reading this, that dont believe in any of this. And thats ok. Its not my place to change your mind. Contrary to the media there are some of us who are ok with that. I believe in God, the devil and Jesus, heaven and hell. I believe that church is important to ME bc you are surrounded by like minded people where you are free to question and grow in your own faith. I dont blindly follow. I have my own faith. And I live my life as a Christian, which doesnt mean perfect.

I am so glad I went. I feel good and I cant wait till next Sunday.
I'm even planning on going to the Divorce Care group they have starting on Weds night.

Ok I've rambled enough...hope everyone has a good Labor Day!! :)

QOTW: How do you make your workspace your own?

I dont have an office, we have short walled rows of cubicles. This is all the personalization I keep out. The out dated pics of Ronnie and Ryland and a Daughter Poem from my mom. I dont get to have my own desk. I share this desk w/ anyone who wants to sit here when I am not at work, unfortunately. I have a filing cabinet to the right of me but I lost the key and they will not replace it. Since they are building a new office and replacing all the desk they are no longer remaking keys. Which sucks because I do have personal belongings in there. Luckily nothing too important...hopefully.

Respectably Ho-ish :)

Uh...I am really struggling w/ dating. I feel so conflicted as far as what I want and how I wanna be treated. While I am put off by a man who is overly sexual with me right from the beginning, I seem to be disappointed by a man who doesn't ever see me sexually. Or holds that back in respect for me. I am an extremely sexual person and ultimately sex will be very important to me in a relationship. Its finding the balance that I guess I am struggling with. I want to be respected and be dirty. lol It is possible tho.

UGH!