The One About My Family

I have mentioned it briefly about my mom leaving my (step)dad. That is a whole long story that I wasn't really ready to get into. But I feel like it will help me cope if I vent alittle and in an effort to be a good blogger I need to get my reader(s) up to speed.

My mom was a teen mom, my parents were never married. My "real" dad was not a major role then (or ever). My mom and stepdad began dating when I was 2 or 3. They married when I was 5 and he has always been my dad. I didn't like him tho. He was mean. And really strict. Like way too strict for a 5 yr old. And they would fight a lot. I don't remember them actually getting physical but apparently it did happen. I would pray for my mom to leave him or him to leave and not come back. The fighting continued for years and years. When I was 8 they had my brother, Ronnie. And then when I was 11 they had Ryland.

When I was 12 my mom went back to school and 2 years later they both worked 2nd jobs so I took care of my brothers. I still hate my dad and they still fight a lot. But its not physical anymore. All I do it go to school and when I come home, I get my brothers from the bus, do my chores, take them outside, cook dinner, help them w/ their homework, bathe them, and put them and myself to bed. I do that for a year or 2 and I start getting into trouble so my dad quits his night job and stays home in the evenings now.

We continue to butt heads and he and I start getting into physical fights. My mom hates it. She feels bad I have to do so much around the house and how strict he is on me' but nothing changes. I hardly see my mom at all from 8th grade thru HS, or it felt that way at least. My brothers are my babies!

My dads mom and dad die and all of a sudden he stops being so strict. He lets me smoke and drink at the house. We start getting along more. He apologized for being an asshole when I was younger. I still have chores and have to take care of a lot of the house since my mom is gone a lot but everything is good, sorta. I turn 18 and move out.

My dad is a very angry man and can get really mad really fast. He is a functioning alcoholic and drug user(these are my opinions, never admitted by him) so he has fits of rage over the stupids crap. My mom has graduated and has a good job. Things look like they are going well. My parents have their annoying moments. They are always the ones who bicker at family functions, my dad will pout or leave, after cussing my mother out in front of everyone. My mom isn't happy but... she not going anywhere.

My baby brother, Ryland goes to jail (more on that some other time) and that obviously puts a strain on my family, but even more so my mom and dad. My mom doesn't/hasn't dealt with it at all. Its been 2 yrs and she is still keeping everything bottled up. My dad is very emotional and has gotten into fights w/ my mom over what caused my brother to go down the wrong path. He's really controlling over my mom and snoops thru her things. She hates it.

Fast forward to 3-4 weeks ago, I am talking w/ my mom and she tells me she has tried to leave him so many times but when he gets mean and she was scared. BUT she finally did it she left, yay! Good for her....except now hes airing out their marital issues and being ugly. I have found out about stuff I really didn't wanna know. And Ronnie has really been having a tough time w/ her behavior vs how she raised us. Ryland doesn't know bc we cant decided if he should know or not. I have my mom keeping me out of it bc she feels that since we are grown its not really our business, my dad calling to cry to me and insult my mother, and my brother judging my mom for things that are very hard to know about ones own mother but don't change the fact that she is an awesome mom.

Point of the story, my mom should have left my dad when we were kids instead of staying together for the kids, bc your parents divorcing as an adult SUCKS! I feel like my whole life is being dumped upside down. Its hard enough having my brother, my sweet baby brother gone for 2 years(so far) and my own divorce. Now I feel like I don't have anything left. The strong loving family that we were (really we were, lol) is gone. Gone. I feel alone and empty. And it is awful.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Now or Never!!

So... I made the decision to go forward w/ trying to get lapband. I am so majorly excited but I am trying not to get my hopes up, in case my insurance doesn't cover it for some reason. I don't know why it wouldn't. I mean I work for a group of clinics of over 23+ locations in a major city, one of the most obese places in the USA. Seems like they of all people would cover weight loss surgery (from here on referred to WLS). We will see.
I have battled the decision to have WLS since 2006 when I found out the comp's insurance I worked for at the time covered it. My family has really pushed and pushed, friends have tried also. But really, no one could ever convince me to do this. And no one should have. Its something I needed to be ready for. To do it for me. So after researching it and then putting it on the back burner and doing that for 5 years I am finally ready. I cant even imagine how it will change my life. I have been overweight my entire life. And the lbs just keep coming. This is me taking over my life. And what a better time then now to do it.

Bullet Point Posting

*I am easing my way in to re telling Russell that I am done. And its for sure what I want. Ugh. No fun. So far I have tried but everytime his say "is that what you want?" I just cant say yes. Blast.

*A guy who totally ditched me in the worst way possible, which I thought I blogged about but I cant find it, responded to my happy bday text. I saved his # bc I really liked him. And occasionally I would text him and tell him he sucked. lol Well I remembered his bday was 9/11 bc what a terrible day to have a bday and so I texted him. He responded and we started talking again. He asked to see me and I was reluctant for obvious reasons. I told him no, but then he said I could come over to him, so I agreed. We had a good time, and afterwards I asked if I'd see him again or if this was gonna be like last time. He said I'd see him again, hmph. We will see. He did text me this morning and has been all day. Oh and I was able to verify he is not married. He lives at his moms w/ his son.

*I am thinking of moving to an apt complex behind my work. Its cheap and I can save some money and time commuting everyday. I know I will be even further from family but I work 5 days a week, I see family/friends only once a week or less. Yes Krystal you will come see me more then once :)

*Lastly - I am going to restart the process to get lapband, thank to Krystal. And I am terrified.

OMG. I need a BOYFRIEND!!!
Ugh...
That is all.

Yay and Boo.

I cant believe we finally met. We have been talking for over a year. Then 3 months ago, exactly, our friendship turned into something more. During this 3 month period we tortured each other and its slowly progressed. First we only talked on gmail from 2pm(me coming to work)-5pm(him getting off work) Mon-Thurs. Then we occasionally email over night, or on weekends. We text rarely. He's called a few times. Then I started waking up to emails, and I would leave him ones over night. He drove by my house one night. When I was living at the apt he drove by there once too. Now we talk all day, every day. Emailing mostly.


So last night as I was waiting for him to let me know to head over, we were meeting at my gparents house, I had pretty much made up my mind that if he did not show up, or chicken out tonight, that I would not talk to him anymore, or at the very least we would no longer be talking like we are. He finally emails me to head over. The drive over was nerve wracking. Ugh. I never even knew what he looked like.

I park and he parks in front of me. Gets in my car and … FINALLY. He wasn’t hideous. Short, average weight, not fat at all, dorky/nerdy cute, glasses, nice teeth. And I have no idea who he is. Lol He was so worried I would know him and his gf. Dumb. Anyway. He was really nervous, I was too, but not nearly as much. We hung in my car for 35-45 mins. It was nice. He was a little much w/ the agressiveness but I understand his reasons. Dont really like hooking up in a car. Feel too old and too mature for that. lol Then he left. Before I could even get home he emailed me. So I know I will be seeing him again.

~

So I totally seem to have given Russell the wrong idea. He thinks we are for sure going to get back together as long as he just makes some changes. Sigh…now I gotta go and rebreak his heart. Boo.

Holding My Breath

OMG so tonight is (maybe) the night that I will finally get to meet Adam. If he chickens out I am going to lose it. He has a girlfriend, I get it. But people cheat. So either cheat or not, don’t string people along. I know all he has to do is show up, the rest will just fall into place.

I am seeing Burrito on Friday. I may not have ever mentioned him here. He is a very sweet guy, looking for a girlfriend but English isn't his 1st language and we just don’t have anything in common. He pursued me for awhile and I finally gave in. Then after that I told him I wasn’t interested. He would message me every once in awhile. Hoping to have some contact w/ me. He asked to be my FWB and after thinking about it for 2 days I said ok. So there's that.

Besides my boy escapades, there is so much going on in my world. I don’t even know where to begin. My mom left my dad 2 Sundays ago. And now my dad is text me and freaking out all the time. Good times. And my mom is… annoying me bc I think she may have lied to me about something. I'm gonna talk to her about it and see.

My baby brothers court date was set so I need to see about getting time off from work so I can be there. I have to be there. Not an option.

And then the whole thing w/ Russell. I think I am going to have to tell him I don’t think we will ever work it out. I don’t know how I am going to be able to break it to him. Ugh fun times.

Randomness

I need a boyfriend. I have so much going on in my personal life, I need someone who can be there for me while I handle all this. I don’t wanna do it alone.
My mom left my (step)dad on Sunday. My 2 baby bothers in jail awaiting trial. My and my separation. Just a lot going on. Would be nice to have a boy around to help me take my mind off things.
I wonder if me leaving Russell is the reason my mom got the courage to leave my
My mind is kinda all over the place.
I like Michael, but I really really want Adam. I feel like I am getting someone where with him. He really needs to break up w/ his stupid girlfriend.
And now Michael might kinda be getting on my nerves. We dont know each other that well and it seems to be causing issues via texting. Last night I complimented him and we argued about me saying whatever. Now tonight we are going back and forth over something I said. Frustrating.
Anyway...too much randomness in my head to make a semi readable post. dad? Interesting.