Its Complicated

So last nights post was...dramatic. I have sad days. But I'm ok.

I think what set me off last night was things ending w/ Chris and knowing I was going to have to start over again. It really sucks out there. Men are so difficult. They can't respect me. Cant. Its like they are broken. I dont want something based solely on the physical. I am more then just a walking vagina. Thats one of the reasons I liked Chris. He was one of the first men to behave like a gentleman. And the funniest part of all is he is the youngest I have ever dated. Men my age are, well, theres a reason they are the only ones left. Jerks.

Rough Night

So lets just say you love someone who is your friend. You are not in a relationship and lets say you never will be. This person loves you too. But you 2 can NOT be together. You 2 speak everyday, pretty much all day and see each other when ever possible. You constantly compare every potential match to this person. They do everything and say everything right. They are your best friend.

How do you go out and continue to date and put yourself out there to be trampled on, knowing that this person should be "the one?" Not to mention that dating sucks and 75% of men only want you for one thing.

Listening to the radio tonight and hearing some lyrics that make me wanna hang up my dating hat and settle for a relationship that I cant have.

Yes. Its hard. I cant stop thinking about you tonight...I was really doing good...

Damn it.

This is AWESOME

Sad Songs are Sad

I am having one of those days where I just feel like I need to cry. On my way to work this Toby Keith song came on, and I started thinking about my gpa and how I will feel when he passes away. I cried during the drive. I felt better afterwards. Then I looked it up so I could post it here and started to tear up again. Such a sad song.

So Chris and I are over. That was fun while it lasted. He was/is really a sweet guy but he is going thru something right now and I guess I cant help. Bummer.

I am kinda sad bc I hate starting over bc guys suck. But I ran into a guy I went on one date with a year and a half ago yesterday. It was actually just the initial meeting at Starbucks. It had gone really well and we both were interested but we ended up having scheduling conflicts. After a few weeks of that we both just kinda gave up. We would text every once and awhile and kinda stay in touch but then he would have a gf or I would have bf. Well anyways we exchanged #'s and we are having lunch on Monday. Yay. Thats exciting.

Well I guess thats all for now.

Funky Buttlovin'

I have been up all night. I have too much in my head and its getting all jumbled. I'm starting to feel a little...panic-y. I need some seriously intense cuddle/loving. No, not loving loving, like be held and told I'm beautiful and loved. Sexy and smart. When I am going thru stuff personally is when I feel the most needy. Its like I need someone to tell me everything will be ok. And I prefer it to be someone who knows me. Truly knows me. I want someone who wants to spend time w/ me. That cant wait to hear my voice or see me.

I dont feel like I have that right now.

This is so hard to type out...
I am so afraid of being alone. No not alone as in periods of time in between relationships. I am ok w/ that. I love myself and can handle just being me for awhile. But I mean alone forever. Just going from one relationship to the other. Or worse settling bc of that fear. I just want to be loved like how I think I should be. I dont think I am asking for anything over the top or have unrealistic expectations.
I dont want to change who I am either. I am a fat chick. I need for someone to love me like this. This is who I am. I may or may not ever change that. If I do, jackpot, if I dont, thats ok too. But I feel like I am missing out on certain men bc they cant see past the physical. I dont expect everyone to like me, but I feel like for some reason I dont deserve to be w/ someone smart or funny. Like all the fat women always end up w/ the inbreds. lol Thats awful but I'm just saying.

IDK.

Plus I didnt get the house. Boo. I mean I decided not to get it bc the neighbors started telling me all these horrible things about how he never answers his phone. And theres mold in my house, etc. So I chickened out. Now hes not wanting to return the $$. I am all stressed about getting that back too.

Anyway I need to head to bed.

Happy Memorial Day!

Yesterday I spent the day w/ Chris. He came over to my gparents house and we hung out in my room. He snooped thru my laptop. lol He did remove/add some stuff while he was snooping. BUT he saw ALL of my pics. Nosey butt. Oh well. Sigh...

After that we went out to the pool. He doesnt swim and just put his legs in at first, but after I was in for awhile he decided to get in. I helped him w/ some sunscreen and he got in. I had a really good time w/ him in the pool. He was so silly and I helped him w/ paddling and stuff. After we played a little, we sat on the steps and talk. He opened up some more about his past relationships and I told him about Kevin. Pretty much my only relationships in the last 1.5 years.

He started to get a headache so we got out and got dress then headed to Freebirds for lunch. And then went back to his apt. We were both pretty exhausted after spending the day in the pool and being out in the sun. We basically just lounged around watching movies. Until I headed home. Left a little earlier then normal bc I had to be at work early today.

After I get off today at 1:30, I'm gonna head over to the house and unload what I already have in my trunk. Then pick up Ronnie, get my gpa's truck and head to the storage unit. I wanna try and take his toolbox out of the bed so we can have more room and not have to make more then one trip...hopefully.

OMG I am so excited!!

My House!!

I cant believe I didnt blog about my new place. Umm lets see about 1 week ago I found a small little guest house for rent on craigslist. I sent an email to let Chad the landlord know I was interested. That was Friday or Saturday. I was going crazy waiting to hear from this guy. He finally emailed me Monday w/ his number. I called once in the morning and once in the afternoon and he finally answered. Tuesday I went and looked at it. I was already in love before I even saw it. Once I saw it I was head over heels. Its bigger inside then it looks. Nice size living room, full dining room and kitchen. Good size bedroom and bath. There is a fenced in private backyard w/ a backdoor. And a swing on the front porch. A-dor-able!! I put the deposit down on Thursday and got the key.
Now I am dying. DYING to move in. I want to get my stuff outta storage and start figuring out how I wanna arrange the furniture. I'm ready to decorate and have my puppy back!!! Cable and internet is being installed on Weds. So currently my plan is move in Monday w/ the help of my brother and my gpa's truck (hopefully hes off). Tuesday do some unpacking/arranging. Weds get kitchen/house stuff when my direct dep hits and then be at the house to wait for the cable guy. And Chad said thurday I can officially be moved in. Whoop whop wop!!
I have a long list of stuff I needs since I gave away so much to Russell. Luckily I no longer have to get a TV and entertainment center. Russell had my tv and was using it BUT when I said something he said I could have it. Thank God. Seriously. I need a fridge tho.

*Kelli is alive
*I didnt end up getting sick

Things are going well w/ Chris. We didnt get to see each other this week and that made me have a sad. But I am going to see him tomorrow. My gparents are outta town so we will have some privacy. I was gonna invite him to spend the night tonight but... there isnt a big comfy bed. But my question is, when are we bf/gf. I keep asking people this and getting different answers. If we are both exclusive then....now? Sigh, I hate this part.

Anyway here are a few pics of the house from the ad. Have a good weekend.

front

bathroom

bedroom





Kitchen