Catch 22

So Jonathan. Wednesday we went bowling and then talked in his truck until after 1 am. Only talking, nothing extra bc apparently we are in the 8th grade. OMG. Then Thursday he said he would like to see me more then once a week. I agreed and we ended up going out that night to dinner. Afterwards I invited him back to my place and we watch part of a movie until he had to go. Nothing extra. I actually sat in the recliner and he sat on the couch bc we are def in 8th grade. WTF is happening!! I am not at all blaming him. I'm freaking out bc the longer time goes by w/o us moving forward the worse my nerves and anxiety are going to be. I was literally SCREAMING in my head SIT ON THE COUCH!! OMG. lol But yeah I never did and I suck at life.

BUT

He did kiss me goodbye.
Finally.

It was awkward and we clinked teeth and yeah...We laughed about it tho so that was good. And I said we'll get this right eventually. lol And then he left. I wish I would have been like REDO!!! But I didn't. Another kicking myself moment. Sigh...I need him to be a little more...aggressive. I don't wanna jump into bed w/ him. And I am glad that he is respectful and not rushing me...but I DO want him to make me feel desired, and sexy. Theres the catch for ya guys. Sorry we are so complicated.

<3

VMA's, Marc and Jonathan

Hmmm lets see, my weekend...Tues was the 2nd date w/ Jonathan (more on that later), Weds my dad and Chaz changed my break pads, then I took my dad out to dinner for doing them/belated bday dinner from me. Thurs I went grocery shopping and got stuff for the crazy party I was planning for that night, LOL. JK For the VMA's I invited Krystal over. I did try a new recipe. I made a jalapeno bacon popper dip. It was good but a lot for 2 people. I should have cut the recipe in half. Bc I am lactose intolerant but usually its not too bad an issue. This killed me. I thought I was dying. But sooooooooooo good.

So 2nd date w/ Jonathan.
We went to the movies. It was a little weird seeing Hope Springs w/ someone you arent yet umm that romantically involved w/ yet. Lesson learned. It was weird also bc we didnt sit next to each other. I kept thinking I should scoot over, but never did. AND I am kicking myself for not getting movie snacks. Especially when someone else is paying :) He walked me to my car and ugh said goodnight.
Its so awful. I hate the newness, I mean I dont but I do. Its so weird. The whole is he gonna kiss me, what if he tries w/ tongue and I dont or vice versa...THE PRESSURE! Sheesh...
But yeah hes sweet. I can already see where this is going. I can tell he likes me. We talked a little last night and he was saying how he feels like he can open up to me. He has started calling me sweetie. And when I made a comment about my hair not growing. He asked why I wanted it long, I told him and he was like well I like it the way it is. Awww. We have already started planning our 3rd date for when I get back from Temple. I havent decided where I wanna go yet.

There is a "cold" front thats supposed to come in tonight. I cant freaking wait. I am excited for fall. Especially if things go well w/ J I'll finally have a date for the family bonfires. Yay! :) That makes me happy.

Mkay well...back to work for me lol yeah right

To my asshole :)

Passing Time

Ok so technically this is a tumblr thing and you are supposed to have your reader/followers ask you numbers and then you answer BUT I am so unbelievalbly bored at work and am trying to feel some time. I have been here for almost 7 hrs have 3.5 to go and I've taken only like 10 calls MAYBE 15 but I doubt it. When a typical day is like 100 calls or something.

1: What are you wearing? I came to work straight from church so more dressy then a normal Sunday, black slacks and a blue blouse

2: Ever been in love? psh yes

3: Ever had a terrible breakup? hmmm yes

4: How tall are you? 5'2"

5: How much do you weigh? enough :)

6: Any tattoos do you want? yes a few, one is to symbolize a very important person in my life and our relationship havent decided what I want it to be yet, maybe a cowboy hat/boots or maybe an elephant, and then I also what the astroworld logo

7: Any piercings that you want? I want my nipples pierced but wont do it for 2 reasons 1 afraid I'll lose sensation and they are super sensitive and 2 bc holy balls thats seems painful

8: OTP? what?

9: Favorite Show? Big Brother currently...I also like Pop Up Video thats been a fav since JR High

10: Favorite bands? I like country singers, not bands, Kenny Chesney, Jason Aldean, Luke Bryan, Tim McGraw, etc

11: Something you miss? hmmm first instinct was to say Chance but hes not something, I miss the way I used to be happy, carefree happy, I am happy now but its like a ok happy

12: Favorite song? Wanted Hunter Hayes

13: How old are you? 30

14: Zodiac sign? Cancer

15: Hair Color? reddish

16: Favorite Quote? "Nothing lasts forever. So live it up, drink i down, laugh it off, avoid the bullshit, and never have regrets. Because at one point, everything you did was exactly what you wanted."

17: Favorite singer? Dustin Lynch

18: Favorite color? PINK!!

19: Loud music or soft? both, loud for road trips, soft for sleepy times

20: Where do you go when you're sad? I talk to Krystal, mom, Marc

21: How long does it take you to shower? 10-15 mins

22: How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? 30 mins

23: Ever been in a physical fight? yes

24: Turn ons? agressive men, yummy cologne, pretty eyes/smile, strong arms, good kisser

25: Turn offs? girly men, BO, rudeness

26: The reason I joined Tumblr? to repost dirty pics and other stuffs

27: Fears? not finding true love, being robbed/raped, fire, bad car accident

28: Last thing that made you cry? grr I am trying so hard to remember...it was something on tv and it was sad/sweet

29: Last time you cried? the other day

30: Meaning behind your url? my tumblr url is only as your secret bc I seem to be someone secret

31: Last book you read? The Help

32: Last song you listened to? actually I'm listening to my ipod since its been forever Mr Wrong

33: Last show you watched? House Hunters

34: Last person you talked to? Jasmine at work

35: The relationship between you and the person you last texted? Chris, we dated, now we're friends

36: Favorite food? man, I get on kicks, right now I am on a chili cheese fries kick

37: Place you want to visit? I wanna see a lot of places, I would like to visit more of the US, Ireland, Paris, Spain, the typical answers

38: Last place you were? I'm at work but before here was my gparents after church

39: Do you have a crush? yep, I actually am at the very beginning of a crush w/ Johnathan

40: Last time you kissed someone? oh man...its been a long time, ...?

41: Last time you were insulted and what was it? probably something about my weight, I dont care

42: What color underwear are you wearing? multi colored stripes

43: What color shirt are you wearing? blue

44: What color bottoms are you wearing? black

45: Wearing any bracelets? nope I dont really wear jewelry

46: Last sport you played? like just a quick game vollyball in the pool

47: Last song you sang? I Could Fall in Love - Selena (at my landlords party)

48: Last prank call you remember doing? oh it was horrible, my bff had a friend who would call every night and she was tired of it, so we played this big joke on him that I not only slept w/ her BF but that I was pregnant, does that count? it was a phone call?

49: Last time you hung out with anyone? it was Krystal on Weds, we swam

50: Favorite movie? Dazed and Confused

I Got Called Out

One day last week, Russell came over and as we were talking I was saying how I am a different person then I was when we separated. He started talking about how when we were dating, then a few years into our marriage, one of the things he loved about me was my love for my church and faith in God. He said he was sad to see that I wasnt going anymore. He mentioned how happy I would be and how important it was to me to go every week.

This convo had been on my mind since then.

He was right. I was happier in church. My grandparents and mom go so its a chance to see them. I was baptised, confirmed (and married) in this church. I feel home there and when I leave I have been recharged for the week.

But I stopped going. And the longer you are away the harder it is to go back. You find so many excuses to not go. I used to find reasons TO go. But now I work on Sundays. Oh I know that I dont have to be there till 2 but I need my sleep. Everyone takes a break from church in their 20's. I can go next Sunday. I want to go every Sunday when I have my own family.

Then of course the unspoken reasons. I'm embarrassed to go to church. I left my husband. God (and the church, the people) doesnt approve of divorce. I should have made it work. I should have tried harder. Plus look what I'm doing now. I cant go to church knowing the choices I make everyday are so wrong. How can I sit in this building and say I want God to be in my heart, my soul and my life when I am not deserving.

Lets not forget the other side. I'm angry. Pissed off at how my life has played out w/ my family. Why would God let me and my faithful family suffer? Havent we been thru enough?! We have gone to church, praised His name, prayed, sung, volunteered, read the Bible, spread His word (sometimes)...etc. Why does it seem those who believe and try are punished?! The struggle in our family is constant. One thing after another. Where is the Blessing? We tithe. We were there.

You know what, none of that matters. God loves me despite all of that. Hes with me whether I go to church or not, so its not like any of that matters. If he wanted to control our lifes and make us perfect we wouldnt have free will. But we do. We fail. We sin. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. Jesus is our Savior and His life was given to spare me and my sinful ways.

So guess what I did.
I got up today and went to church.
And now I feel great.

I understand there are a lot of people, even some reading this, that dont believe in any of this. And thats ok. Its not my place to change your mind. Contrary to the media there are some of us who are ok with that. I believe in God, the devil and Jesus, heaven and hell. I believe that church is important to ME bc you are surrounded by like minded people where you are free to question and grow in your own faith. I dont blindly follow. I have my own faith. And I live my life as a Christian, which doesnt mean perfect.

I am so glad I went. I feel good and I cant wait till next Sunday.
I'm even planning on going to the Divorce Care group they have starting on Weds night.

Ok I've rambled enough...hope everyone has a good Labor Day!! :)

QOTW: How do you make your workspace your own?

I dont have an office, we have short walled rows of cubicles. This is all the personalization I keep out. The out dated pics of Ronnie and Ryland and a Daughter Poem from my mom. I dont get to have my own desk. I share this desk w/ anyone who wants to sit here when I am not at work, unfortunately. I have a filing cabinet to the right of me but I lost the key and they will not replace it. Since they are building a new office and replacing all the desk they are no longer remaking keys. Which sucks because I do have personal belongings in there. Luckily nothing too important...hopefully.

Respectably Ho-ish :)

Uh...I am really struggling w/ dating. I feel so conflicted as far as what I want and how I wanna be treated. While I am put off by a man who is overly sexual with me right from the beginning, I seem to be disappointed by a man who doesn't ever see me sexually. Or holds that back in respect for me. I am an extremely sexual person and ultimately sex will be very important to me in a relationship. Its finding the balance that I guess I am struggling with. I want to be respected and be dirty. lol It is possible tho.

UGH!