I hate this time of night. I always get sleepy but I still have 2.5 hrs left of work. I am sitting at my desk nodding off. Ugh, lol. So frustrating. But by the time I get home I will be wide awake.
Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Wish I was able to spend it w/ my love.
None of that previous paragraph matters bc this weekend (hopefully) I will be putting down a dep on the apt in Pipers Cove. Krystal lives in 1204 and 1206 is open so I am gonna try for that one. We'll be neighbors, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It will almost be as exciting as when we lived together. Maybe even more so bc we wont actually have to live together. Oh eM Geeeeeee I love my bff so much. I have decided on a 2 bedroom w/ a roommate. Weird I know, but the 1 bedroom floor plans suck, and actually all the floor plans there suck. When I go in to put my dep I will see whats available again and if think about it really quick again. I think a roommate situation would be weird but...we'll see.
Hmmm ok I think thats about it. Its my Friday so you might not hear from me again for a couple of day.
Monday, February 13, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Time Heals
My new schedule started last Sunday and this was the first time I have ever worked Fri/Sat for this dept. It wasnt too bad. Actually it wasnt much different then the other days I work. Since I am there later I have more time to get bored and figure out stuff to keep me awake. I need a kindle or something. I had that nook but I "pawned" it and didnt get it out in time. Damn it. I hate that. I def liked having 3 days off in a row.
Like I said earlier it was my moms bday and party at my gma's house. I was able to get off and was glad to spend time w/ my family. My family joked a lot about the Kevin thing and while I do find it funny and can laugh about it, it does kinda start to hurt after awhile. I mean, I loved him. I trusted him w/ my heart. So I eventually had to say something to the effect of "this is funny and I can laugh but ouch it still kinda hurts."
Its hard not to take that situation and feel like its my fault it happened. I made him to that. I dont deserve him or anyone or to be happy. Rationally I know, I know, its not my fault...I wish I could have had the strength to end it before it ended w/ me hurt. I dont wanna be a broken woman who is bitter, angry and been hurt so many times that she isnt capable of love.
Like I said earlier it was my moms bday and party at my gma's house. I was able to get off and was glad to spend time w/ my family. My family joked a lot about the Kevin thing and while I do find it funny and can laugh about it, it does kinda start to hurt after awhile. I mean, I loved him. I trusted him w/ my heart. So I eventually had to say something to the effect of "this is funny and I can laugh but ouch it still kinda hurts."
Its hard not to take that situation and feel like its my fault it happened. I made him to that. I dont deserve him or anyone or to be happy. Rationally I know, I know, its not my fault...I wish I could have had the strength to end it before it ended w/ me hurt. I dont wanna be a broken woman who is bitter, angry and been hurt so many times that she isnt capable of love.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The Poet
Tell her that if I could,
I’d hold her,
I’d kiss away her tears,
I’d let her lean onto my chest,
I’d hold her close and listen to her breathe.
Tell her that I’m sorry.
Tell her that no matter what I say or do that I can’t fix whats broken,
and that’s what we are.
We are broken.
Make sure she know’s that it was worth it. That the agonizing love and hatred were worth every second.
Be sure that she knows that I wish for nothing more than to see her smile, and hear her laugh, once more.
Tell her that I loved her.
No, tell her that I love her.
Tell her I said goodbye.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
What A Disaster
I went out last night w/ a friend to watch the UFC fight and smoke. Well while I was over there, my dad called and said my moms boyfriend texted him, from my moms phone and said for my dad to come get his wife. I told my dad to just hold on and I'll call my mom. Called. No answer. Called the BF. No answer. Text. Call. Left messages. Nada. At the same time my dad is calling me. Texting me. My brother is now calling. Texting me. I am the only one who knows where she lives. I am conflicted bc my dad is kind of crazy when it comes to my mom. And he had been hounding me. I didnt know what to do. So finally I give in, gave the address to my dad and brother. Apparently once there, my mom and Pedro call the cops, they pretend to leave and then when the cops leave they go back. My mom calls me. But I ignore the call. Then my brother text me, to apologize for my dad telling my mom that I gave the address. So I call him and hes like momma is mad and I can hear my dad in the background and we get in a yelling match. I was asking him to please stop putting me in the middle. I asked him to please not call me anymore w/ these things. I hate being in the middle. Hes get mad and starts cussing me out. And I dont take shit from him so I start yelling and cursing back at him. He says Fuck You. So FUCK YOU BACK. And I hang up.
I immediately call my mom and she says why did you tell them? And I start to get emotional and I'm so rambling about not wanting to be in the middle. And eveyone just needs to let me live my life and stay out of my life bc I dont need any extra drama/bullshit, especially from my PARENTS! I say something about her bf being childish by texting my dad when he and my mom are fighting...It was the first time I have EVER cussed at or even around my mom. And then I hung up on her.
I dropped the phone and sobbed. Not cried. Sobbed. Like hysterically. Tears pouring from my eyes. The only thing I have ever been able to count on in my life is my family. And now it is shattering to a million pieces. I have nothing but shit in my life. I cant find a decent man, that I want to be w/ who wants me, makes me feel sexy, beautiful and loved. That thinks I am awesome. The whole Kevin thing is still fresh. I feel broken from that. My schedule at work suck, dont have time to spend w/ my family/go to family functions. I'm still fat. And probably always will be. I'm almost 30 and dont have a kid, etc. Ryland and his whole situation...
Both my mom and dad sent me a text shortly after to apologize for me being in the middle and having to deal w/ that. I dont know what I am going to do. One of the reasons I wanted the Kevin thing to work out was bc of all this...he was going to be my prince charming. He was supposed to save me...I need someone who can be here when I cry. To wipe my tears away, hold me tightly and kiss my forehead, and tell me that everything is going to be ok. It was supposed to be him...
:(
I immediately call my mom and she says why did you tell them? And I start to get emotional and I'm so rambling about not wanting to be in the middle. And eveyone just needs to let me live my life and stay out of my life bc I dont need any extra drama/bullshit, especially from my PARENTS! I say something about her bf being childish by texting my dad when he and my mom are fighting...It was the first time I have EVER cussed at or even around my mom. And then I hung up on her.
I dropped the phone and sobbed. Not cried. Sobbed. Like hysterically. Tears pouring from my eyes. The only thing I have ever been able to count on in my life is my family. And now it is shattering to a million pieces. I have nothing but shit in my life. I cant find a decent man, that I want to be w/ who wants me, makes me feel sexy, beautiful and loved. That thinks I am awesome. The whole Kevin thing is still fresh. I feel broken from that. My schedule at work suck, dont have time to spend w/ my family/go to family functions. I'm still fat. And probably always will be. I'm almost 30 and dont have a kid, etc. Ryland and his whole situation...
Both my mom and dad sent me a text shortly after to apologize for me being in the middle and having to deal w/ that. I dont know what I am going to do. One of the reasons I wanted the Kevin thing to work out was bc of all this...he was going to be my prince charming. He was supposed to save me...I need someone who can be here when I cry. To wipe my tears away, hold me tightly and kiss my forehead, and tell me that everything is going to be ok. It was supposed to be him...
:(
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
The Ryland Story
This is the whole story of Ryland and his case, from the best of my memory.
On Halloween 2009, Ryland (15), my adopted brother Chaz(15) and 2 other males(1 minor and 1 adult) allegedly robbed a smoke shop by gun point at closing time. The owner was shot in the stomach when defending himself and his store. In Nov 2009, I received a phone call from my mom, while I was at work, that the FPD was looking for my brother and Chaz for multiple armed robberies. The police came and got Chaz from my parents house sometime after that. And then a few days later, a Saturday, they came and got Ryland.
Apparently there was 2 identified robbers, and 2 unidentified. Both Chaz and the other minor were identified, the adult and Ryland were unidentified, the adult was later identified. Because of his prior history and affiliations w/ the 3 identified Ryland was then labeled the 4th unidentified robber who also so happened to be the shooter. The victim couldnt identify Ryland, he wasnt ever on camera, the weapon was never recovered. But yet he was in jail.
He started off in juvie, where it was the easiest to see him. Visitation hours were convenient. I could come twice a week. Parking was easier/better. It was never crowded. We have contact visits and you can buy snacks to bring in the little room. He was there from Nov-Dec. until he was certified as an adult. Dec he turned 16, in Jail.
In Dec 2009 he was certified as an adult. This never has anything to do with the minor, their history, etc, its just based on the crime they are being charged with. Which is Aggravated Robbery. So once he was certified he was transferred to the adult county jail. Visitation there was awful I hated going and honestly I avoided it as much as possible (which makes me feel terrible). It was so hard in many different ways. Parking is terrible. Hours are awful. Very overcrowded w/ less then desirable people. We have to see him behind glass in a room full of people. The speakers in the glass dont work so everyone is yelling. And since he is still a minor he has to be protected so it takes him forever to be called down bc he has to be escorted. And hes in hand cuffs. I saw him once there before my mom was able to bond him out. Which was right before Christmas. Best C-mas present ever.
In January 2010 he goes to court and fails his drug test. So he goes back. At first he went back to juvie, so I visited him there a few times. But he eventually gets transferred back to county. His bond gets reset and he gets back out. He has a GPS ankle monitor and cant leave the house. House arrest. can only leave for school. The GPS monitor is supposed to be better then a regular one. Its more precise. The guy who runs it says he can tell if Ryry is in the kitchen or his bedroom. In May 2010 my parents ask for him to be able to go to church and the gym. He is give M/W/F 2 hours at the YMCA and Sundays he can go to church from 9am-12:30pm.
In August 2010 a car is pulled over leaving my parents neighborhood. The driver and passenger are visible shaken up and when questioned told they cops they were just robbed at gun point of their drugs (WTF?) and that my brother and Chaz had done it. At this time Chaz has to take sleeping pills to sleep bc of his ADD meds. So my mother gave him a pill and saw his asleep in his room around 11. And Rylands ankle monitor was shown as charging between 11pm and 2am when this robbery happened. The "victims" said it took place in the driveway at my parents and its was around 11:45pm. So even tho the GPS guy said he can see Ryry he then retracted and said it wasnt that accurate, and of course my parents word about Chaz isnt good enough. So back to jail they go.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nothing really happened between then and now. They offered him deals and he would reject them. And his bond was never reset again. He kept asking for 5 yrs. He'd sign for 5. His lawyer said no way that will happen. This week the DA offered 8 years for the 1st charge, drop the 2nd charge, 22 months of time already serve to apply, eligible for parole in 2 years 2 months. And he took the deal. He wanted to go to trial but we were scared. He said he took the deal bc he felt like no one was supporting his decision to go to trial. Ugh...dont put that on us. I didnt feel comfortable giving him an opinion. If I said trial and he got the max, I would be wracked w/ guilt.
So hes 18 now and if everything goes right he'll get out when he is 20. I really hope this is a wake up call for him and he straightens out once he's out. I dont wanna go back and forth w/ this my whole life.
On Halloween 2009, Ryland (15), my adopted brother Chaz(15) and 2 other males(1 minor and 1 adult) allegedly robbed a smoke shop by gun point at closing time. The owner was shot in the stomach when defending himself and his store. In Nov 2009, I received a phone call from my mom, while I was at work, that the FPD was looking for my brother and Chaz for multiple armed robberies. The police came and got Chaz from my parents house sometime after that. And then a few days later, a Saturday, they came and got Ryland.
Apparently there was 2 identified robbers, and 2 unidentified. Both Chaz and the other minor were identified, the adult and Ryland were unidentified, the adult was later identified. Because of his prior history and affiliations w/ the 3 identified Ryland was then labeled the 4th unidentified robber who also so happened to be the shooter. The victim couldnt identify Ryland, he wasnt ever on camera, the weapon was never recovered. But yet he was in jail.
He started off in juvie, where it was the easiest to see him. Visitation hours were convenient. I could come twice a week. Parking was easier/better. It was never crowded. We have contact visits and you can buy snacks to bring in the little room. He was there from Nov-Dec. until he was certified as an adult. Dec he turned 16, in Jail.
In Dec 2009 he was certified as an adult. This never has anything to do with the minor, their history, etc, its just based on the crime they are being charged with. Which is Aggravated Robbery. So once he was certified he was transferred to the adult county jail. Visitation there was awful I hated going and honestly I avoided it as much as possible (which makes me feel terrible). It was so hard in many different ways. Parking is terrible. Hours are awful. Very overcrowded w/ less then desirable people. We have to see him behind glass in a room full of people. The speakers in the glass dont work so everyone is yelling. And since he is still a minor he has to be protected so it takes him forever to be called down bc he has to be escorted. And hes in hand cuffs. I saw him once there before my mom was able to bond him out. Which was right before Christmas. Best C-mas present ever.
In January 2010 he goes to court and fails his drug test. So he goes back. At first he went back to juvie, so I visited him there a few times. But he eventually gets transferred back to county. His bond gets reset and he gets back out. He has a GPS ankle monitor and cant leave the house. House arrest. can only leave for school. The GPS monitor is supposed to be better then a regular one. Its more precise. The guy who runs it says he can tell if Ryry is in the kitchen or his bedroom. In May 2010 my parents ask for him to be able to go to church and the gym. He is give M/W/F 2 hours at the YMCA and Sundays he can go to church from 9am-12:30pm.
In August 2010 a car is pulled over leaving my parents neighborhood. The driver and passenger are visible shaken up and when questioned told they cops they were just robbed at gun point of their drugs (WTF?) and that my brother and Chaz had done it. At this time Chaz has to take sleeping pills to sleep bc of his ADD meds. So my mother gave him a pill and saw his asleep in his room around 11. And Rylands ankle monitor was shown as charging between 11pm and 2am when this robbery happened. The "victims" said it took place in the driveway at my parents and its was around 11:45pm. So even tho the GPS guy said he can see Ryry he then retracted and said it wasnt that accurate, and of course my parents word about Chaz isnt good enough. So back to jail they go.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nothing really happened between then and now. They offered him deals and he would reject them. And his bond was never reset again. He kept asking for 5 yrs. He'd sign for 5. His lawyer said no way that will happen. This week the DA offered 8 years for the 1st charge, drop the 2nd charge, 22 months of time already serve to apply, eligible for parole in 2 years 2 months. And he took the deal. He wanted to go to trial but we were scared. He said he took the deal bc he felt like no one was supporting his decision to go to trial. Ugh...dont put that on us. I didnt feel comfortable giving him an opinion. If I said trial and he got the max, I would be wracked w/ guilt.
So hes 18 now and if everything goes right he'll get out when he is 20. I really hope this is a wake up call for him and he straightens out once he's out. I dont wanna go back and forth w/ this my whole life.
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