Dear Jonathan

Do you know how much I love you?
I love you so much that I don't care that you might be embarrassed by this. lol You are such an amazing man. You make me happier every single day. I didn't even think it was possible to love you more, but then you go and do something to prove me wrong.
I am constantly reminded how awesome God is to bring us together. I have never stopped thanking Him for letting me be apart of your life.
I am thankful to your parents too, they are responsible for molding you and teaching you to be a strong, hard working and loving man.
I love your commitment. Not just to me but everything in life. You believe in doing everything 100%. And this has provided us with the best.
You work so hard. You have such a drive to make the most of life. You have faced the hard times head on and without wavering.
I love your strength. You have been my rock, and have also allowed me to be yours too.

You love like you live. Strong. Committed. Loving. 100%.

In the beginning I was amazed by you.
No one has ever done 1/2 what you did for me.
Not materialistic things, remembering little things and surprising me later. Its hard to describe what it feels like to be important to someone.

You still amaze me.
When you look into my eyes and I can see your love.
You give me butterflies.

We have so much to look forward to.
We already have such an awesome partnership.
I am so excited to see what lies ahead.

Thank you for being awesome.
I love you. More and more everyday.

See you in the morning :)

The One Where I have an Emotional Breakdown

So Kevin and I had our first little ... fight or something? I dont even know. But what was so crazy is that even tho we were communicating via IM he knew I was upset. We had been IM-ing back a forth for only a few mins. He's sick and I was asking how he was feeling. Then just out of now where he said you must be mad at me. I was thinking of the words I wanted to say. It too new for me to feel like I tell him the 100% truth bc I am very emotional and I'm afraid. Ok There I said it. I am afraid of him losing interest. SO I am trying to figure out the words when he replies I know babe...
I burst into tears. How in the world does he know?! I reply back that I am sad and I feel stupid. I explain to him that I am literally crying over a guy who I havent met yet that I have more feelings for then I can understand...and I have horrible luck dating and I am scared that I am getting played. I dont feel like you are lying or playing games. Its been an unfortunate series of uncontrollable situations that have kept you from me, but ... I'm still scared.
He replied that he understood and does he need to back off?
No way. That would be the worse. What I need from you is to reassure me that you arent a dickhead and that it will get better... we get thru it and he comforts me, by the end of our chat I am back to normal.

But I am frustrated right now bc we still havent met in real life. Between his work schedule, mine, his boy and his boys bday and halloween, and then him being sick it just hasnt worked out, just in the short 3 weeks we've been talking. Fine. Whatever. But then the other side of me gets nervous and a fear of rejection starts to creep up and it picks at the cracks in my armor. Rational Rhianna is rational and fine.

There is something different about our relationship. And its the whole "love" thing. I have such a hard time even accepting it to myself let alone letting anyone in my life know how strongly I feel for this man. I dont know why I feel this way. I cant explain it. I wish I could. But hand on the bible from day we started emailing back and forth I felt something. So it may not fit in with the typical timeline but oh well. I did it the "right" way the 1st time and look what happened.

Ugh... its 4:30 I need to sleep