My Email to Kevin

Dear Kevin,

When we first met and started our relationship my heart and soul rejoiced. I hadn't been expecting to find someone who made me so happy. I was just coming to terms w/ being back in the dating world and how awful it was when I posted that ad. I didnt expect to meet someone who met my list. My list didnt include someone w/ money or a fancy car, big house, etc. You didnt have a lot of time to see me, but we messaged each other for at least a few hours every day. It frustrated me that you didnt have a phone, but you said you would get one. It took a month for you to find time to see me. You cancelled on me several times before that happened. You never took my out on a date. You lied to me. You faked a car accident. And then your death.

But I stayed right there. Thru it all. I was in it for the long haul. I understood your scheduling stuff and Johnathan. Still no phone, thats fine. Oh ok cancelling again. I understand. I understand. I understand. I cried a lot, but I was promised it would get better and I believed you so I held on.

When you died. I thought I would never stop crying. My heart was broken.

You came back and I was so happy. I forgave you. All I asked was for you to be with me. For the first week you once again messaged me every single day. You're gonna get a phone. Then it started to fade again. But thats ok, you had a toothache, I understand. I saw you last Saturday. But Friday. Friday I am going to see you and meet Johnathan. I couldnt wait to ask you about MonsterJam. Did he love it? Sunday...Monday...Tuesday. Oh a stomach bug. Oh poor thing. I hope hes ok. I wonder if John is sick too. Hope his mom is watching him. Wednesday...Thursday...oh...ok...where are you?

Do you see what I see?

I see a woman who loves a man so much, so completely she is willing to stand by him thru whatever. YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH AND I TOOK YOU BACK!!

I also see a man who for whatever reason it going to let that go.

I love you.

Plan and simple. But I can not and will not be involved w/ someone who isnt willing to be honest and make time for me in his life. How can I sit here and be sad bc my boyfriend, who says he loves me, wont call me/text me/something once a day to see how my day was? If I am sad, or sick, or am just having a bad day and really need to hear you say that you love me but I cant, whats the point of being in a relationship. I might was be single. I feel just as alone if not more so. Bc at least when I'm single I have a reason for being lonely.

Not to mention how foolish I look to my friends and family when you make plans w/ me and I excitedly tell them, oh yeah I'm meeting his son, and I cancel plans w/ other people. Then as the days go by and more and more time passes I realize that once again I am not as important to you as you are to me.

Heres the bottom line, I feel like if you truly love and care for me, the way you say you do, and as much as I love and care for you then you know what needs to be done. Put 100% into us and show me.

I hope I am worth it.

And if I'm not. Or you have something to say. Just say it. Just put me outta my misery.

You have my cell and email and yahoo...if I'm on.

I love you and I want you in my life.

Rhianna

I dont care what they say I'm in love with you

Saturday Afternoon w/ my love

Well...after thinking it over and over and over. I finally realized that I had to move forward w/ Kevin. He makes me happy. I know what he did some people think they could never forgive him and that I should move on, but...I cant. I love him. I want him in my life. And I want to be in his and Johnathan's. Period.

Saturday I met him at his work for a few hours then he came over. We talked some more about "us" (his dad offered for him to move out to Chicago) and basically I said that I cant be emotionally invested in this relationship if we aren't moving forward and I felt like I should just prepare myself to lose him. He said he wanted to be here w/ me. I asked if he would like to slow down a little and he said yes. THANK GOD!! I mean was that so hard. Thats all he had to say. I wouldnt have left him, I wasnt even the one who was rushing things. We are going to continue the relationship the way it is. I am going to get an apartment in Pipers Cove, where my bff lives (HEY BFF!!! ARE YOU EXCITED!!). Just slow down and enjoy each other. Get to know more detailed info about us.

This Friday I am finally meeting Johnathan. I am so nervous and excited. I wonder if Kevin has already planned it out yet. If the weather is nice maybe we can go to the beach and fly a kite. Johnathan has been begging for a kite, so that will be fun.

Ok well I need to get to my Sunday google reader time. Just wanted to update this first b4 I got to tired.

I dont even know...

So I found out Thursday. Lemme just c/p this for you like I did w/ everything else.

avguywoodlands:can i confess something?

Rhianna Smith:Yes

avguywoodlands:this is kevin, not his mom, i wanted to know how you truly felt about me, and i know

 

I really dont know where to go from here. My mind is swamped w/ every ones opinions. But my heart is very clear in what it wants.

 

Sigh...

Hmmm... I dont know what to say here. But I found out Thursday that Kevin is alive.
Basically his last relationship the girl ended up using him for his money/taking his $$. He started to overthink this one, got scared and .... lost his mind.... idk, I have no answers for him as far as why or anything from there. He wants to work it out. I am taking him back. Obviously we have alot to work thru and talk about but thats between me and him. He is willing to stand up and face the consequences for his actions w/ my friends and family.

I am scared.

Love Is...not for me.

I had saved these for Kevin for once he was in Dallas and while I was still here.

I really dont see how this will ever get better. Its awful. I'm ready for someone to come and tell me this was all a joke. Please!!

Soul Mates

Sorry from bombarding y'all w/ all that but all those convos were on my phone's yahoo IM and I didnt wanna lose those in case my phone crapped out or I replaced my phone, so yeah.

I am a rollercoaster of emotions. The slightest thing can take me from having an ok day to being sad again. Sad Rhianna is no fun. I dont do sad well. I have to keep myself numb. Its like I can't think. Thinking too much is bad. Most music is bad, a lot of tv is bad. I cant live. I cant be alive. Talking is good, blogging is good. The internet is mostly good. Except today I was reading something and then it starting talking about autism....nope! Cant do that. Typing up that last convo w/ Rita about how she knew he loved me...NOPE!! Ugh. No one should ever have to experience the feeling of losing a SO tragically. Sudden. Unexpected. Not that other ways arent awful but at least you get to know that your time w/ them is precious. We wasted so much time together bc we were supposed to have a lifetime. We were supposed to be together forever. He was my soul mate. We were each other eternal match. And we knew it from the very beginning...how in the world am I supposed go on. To find love again. Sex...thats easy...but love. His love. I want HIS LOVE!

Convo w/ Rita #3

1/7/12 10:27am
Me: I miss you so much...how am I supposed to do this...

later
1/7/12 11:20am
Her: getting ready for the funeral. today it might sink in on John that his daddy is not here anymore
Me: I wish I could be there
Me: I'll be thinking of you both all day
Her: thanks, and I will be thinking of you too
Me: please say goodbye for me
Her: we arent expecting a very big turn out
Her: I will say good bye for you
Me: Thank you...
Me: God my eyes are raw
Me: Is there gonna be a program thingie?

later...
6:51pm
Me: Wahoo Texans. Whether you had tickets or not I know you'd be watching!! Your boys did good. <3 ya babe

Even later...
10:14pm
Her: Hey just got in, it was a nice service, had about 30 people come out
Her: I have a program thingie for you
Me: Thank you. How was Johnathan?
Her: Well I think it sunk in that Kevin wont be coming home, but he is still confused about it all
Her: makes me sad
Me: Yeah that sweet boy, hes been on my mind. I have a pic w/ him and ariel, those eyes...oh man
Her: yeah, I was with them for that trip and he was in L-O-V-E
Her: lol
Her: but ariel is very pretty
Me: lol he def looks in love!
Her: we are going to hang around up here for a bit, maybe back to Texas in a week or 2
Me: I wanna thank you for telling me. And for keeping me informed the past few days. I feel like it really helps to speak w/ someone else who knows him and loves him...
Her: No problem dear. It has helped me too...Thanks.
Her: are you ok now?
Me: I'm doing better yes... I feel...more comforted? idk its weird but I know the tears arent gone for good
Her: I know what you mean, its is hard burying your child
Her: Even if he is almost 40
Me: I've had alot of support from my family and friends, oh and from what I understand thats one of the worse things, its not supposed to be that way
Her: exactly, sounds like you have good friends
Me: they knew how we felt for each other...even if the calender time wasnt long, they could tell
Her: I could tell too, he talked about you all the time
Me: That makes me happy, he tolds me a lot about you and John, I was nervous about meeting you, lol
Her: We'll have to have lunch sometime
Me: I would like that
Her: sounds like a plan
Her: I'm goin to bed, its been a crazy day here
Me: I bet. Goodnight Rita
Her: good night