Seriously? You have GOT to be kidding me!

Monday, January 30, 2012

I dont know anymore

Havent heard from Kevin since I sent that email. As far as I'm concerned I'm taking his silence as a sign that its over. Its very difficult to move forward when someone is being selfish and not communicating. This isnt middle school. Grown men should act like grown men.

Anyway...I restarted my okcupid profile. Had a meet and greet w/ Bradley on Saturday. His pics made him look kinda chubby...which I prefer, just because I feel like a skinny guy can't be attracted to me, idk. So yeah he was average size and we didnt click at all. But it was still friendly. Then Saturday night, Krystal, Kelli, Kacie and I all went and played Bingo. Good times.

So...back to the dating thing. I started talking to this guy Friday night. Troy...he's pretty cute. We exchanged #'s Saturday and we texted Saturday night and yesterday evening. Our personalities seem to click. I have put the vibes out there but he hasnt asked me out yet!! What the heck! Then theres Marc, I'm driving out to Temple to meet him next week. We've been talking for a month or so. As friends. But we are semi close so we're gonna hang. I'm excited to finally be meeting in RL.

Its getting busy so I better get going.

Friday, January 27, 2012

My Email to Kevin

Dear Kevin,
When we first met and started our relationship my heart and soul rejoiced. I hadn't been expecting to find someone who made me so happy. I was just coming to terms w/ being back in the dating world and how awful it was when I posted that ad. I didnt expect to meet someone who met my list. My list didnt include someone w/ money or a fancy car, big house, etc. You didnt have a lot of time to see me, but we messaged each other for at least a few hours every day. It frustrated me that you didnt have a phone, but you said you would get one. It took a month for you to find time to see me. You cancelled on me several times before that happened. You never took my out on a date. You lied to me. You faked a car accident. And then your death.
But I stayed right there. Thru it all. I was in it for the long haul. I understood your scheduling stuff and Johnathan. Still no phone, thats fine. Oh ok cancelling again. I understand. I understand. I understand. I cried a lot, but I was promised it would get better and I believed you so I held on.
When you died. I thought I would never stop crying. My heart was broken.
You came back and I was so happy. I forgave you. All I asked was for you to be with me. For the first week you once again messaged me every single day. You're gonna get a phone. Then it started to fade again. But thats ok, you had a toothache, I understand. I saw you last Saturday. But Friday. Friday I am going to see you and meet Johnathan. I couldnt wait to ask you about MonsterJam. Did he love it? Sunday...Monday...Tuesday. Oh a stomach bug. Oh poor thing. I hope hes ok. I wonder if John is sick too. Hope his mom is watching him. Wednesday...Thursday...oh...ok...where are you?
Do you see what I see?
I see a woman who loves a man so much, so completely she is willing to stand by him thru whatever. YOU FAKED YOUR DEATH AND I TOOK YOU BACK!!
I also see a man who for whatever reason it going to let that go.
I love you.
Plan and simple. But I can not and will not be involved w/ someone who isnt willing to be honest and make time for me in his life. How can I sit here and be sad bc my boyfriend, who says he loves me, wont call me/text me/something once a day to see how my day was? If I am sad, or sick, or am just having a bad day and really need to hear you say that you love me but I cant, whats the point of being in a relationship. I might was be single. I feel just as alone if not more so. Bc at least when I'm single I have a reason for being lonely.
Not to mention how foolish I look to my friends and family when you make plans w/ me and I excitedly tell them, oh yeah I'm meeting his son, and I cancel plans w/ other people. Then as the days go by and more and more time passes I realize that once again I am not as important to you as you are to me.
Heres the bottom line, I feel like if you truly love and care for me, the way you say you do, and as much as I love and care for you then you know what needs to be done. Put 100% into us and show me.
I hope I am worth it.
And if I'm not. Or you have something to say. Just say it. Just put me outta my misery.
You have my cell and email and yahoo...if I'm on.
I love you and I want you in my life.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

I dont care what they say I'm in love with you

Saturday Afternoon w/ my love

Well...after thinking it over and over and over. I finally realized that I had to move forward w/ Kevin. He makes me happy. I know what he did some people think they could never forgive him and that I should move on, but...I cant. I love him. I want him in my life. And I want to be in his and Johnathan's. Period.

Saturday I met him at his work for a few hours then he came over. We talked some more about "us" (his dad offered for him to move out to Chicago) and basically I said that I cant be emotionally invested in this relationship if we aren't moving forward and I felt like I should just prepare myself to lose him. He said he wanted to be here w/ me. I asked if he would like to slow down a little and he said yes. THANK GOD!! I mean was that so hard. Thats all he had to say. I wouldnt have left him, I wasnt even the one who was rushing things. We are going to continue the relationship the way it is. I am going to get an apartment in Pipers Cove, where my bff lives (HEY BFF!!! ARE YOU EXCITED!!). Just slow down and enjoy each other. Get to know more detailed info about us.

This Friday I am finally meeting Johnathan. I am so nervous and excited. I wonder if Kevin has already planned it out yet. If the weather is nice maybe we can go to the beach and fly a kite. Johnathan has been begging for a kite, so that will be fun.

Ok well I need to get to my Sunday google reader time. Just wanted to update this first b4 I got to tired.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I dont even know...

So I found out Thursday. Lemme just c/p this for you like I did w/ everything else.

avguywoodlands:can i confess something?
Rhianna Smith:Yes
avguywoodlands:this is kevin, not his mom, i wanted to know how you truly felt about me, and i know
I really dont know where to go from here. My mind is swamped w/ every ones opinions. But my heart is very clear in what it wants.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Hmmm... I dont know what to say here. But I found out Thursday that Kevin is alive.
Basically his last relationship the girl ended up using him for his money/taking his $$. He started to overthink this one, got scared and .... lost his mind.... idk, I have no answers for him as far as why or anything from there. He wants to work it out. I am taking him back. Obviously we have alot to work thru and talk about but thats between me and him. He is willing to stand up and face the consequences for his actions w/ my friends and family.

I am scared.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Love Is...not for me.

I had saved these for Kevin for once he was in Dallas and while I was still here.

I really dont see how this will ever get better. Its awful. I'm ready for someone to come and tell me this was all a joke. Please!!

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Soul Mates

Sorry from bombarding y'all w/ all that but all those convos were on my phone's yahoo IM and I didnt wanna lose those in case my phone crapped out or I replaced my phone, so yeah.

I am a rollercoaster of emotions. The slightest thing can take me from having an ok day to being sad again. Sad Rhianna is no fun. I dont do sad well. I have to keep myself numb. Its like I can't think. Thinking too much is bad. Most music is bad, a lot of tv is bad. I cant live. I cant be alive. Talking is good, blogging is good. The internet is mostly good. Except today I was reading something and then it starting talking about autism....nope! Cant do that. Typing up that last convo w/ Rita about how she knew he loved me...NOPE!! Ugh. No one should ever have to experience the feeling of losing a SO tragically. Sudden. Unexpected. Not that other ways arent awful but at least you get to know that your time w/ them is precious. We wasted so much time together bc we were supposed to have a lifetime. We were supposed to be together forever. He was my soul mate. We were each other eternal match. And we knew it from the very in the world am I supposed go on. To find love again. Sex...thats easy...but love. His love. I want HIS LOVE!

Convo w/ Rita #3

1/7/12 10:27am
Me: I miss you so am I supposed to do this...

1/7/12 11:20am
Her: getting ready for the funeral. today it might sink in on John that his daddy is not here anymore
Me: I wish I could be there
Me: I'll be thinking of you both all day
Her: thanks, and I will be thinking of you too
Me: please say goodbye for me
Her: we arent expecting a very big turn out
Her: I will say good bye for you
Me: Thank you...
Me: God my eyes are raw
Me: Is there gonna be a program thingie?

Me: Wahoo Texans. Whether you had tickets or not I know you'd be watching!! Your boys did good. <3 ya babe

Even later...
Her: Hey just got in, it was a nice service, had about 30 people come out
Her: I have a program thingie for you
Me: Thank you. How was Johnathan?
Her: Well I think it sunk in that Kevin wont be coming home, but he is still confused about it all
Her: makes me sad
Me: Yeah that sweet boy, hes been on my mind. I have a pic w/ him and ariel, those eyes...oh man
Her: yeah, I was with them for that trip and he was in L-O-V-E
Her: lol
Her: but ariel is very pretty
Me: lol he def looks in love!
Her: we are going to hang around up here for a bit, maybe back to Texas in a week or 2
Me: I wanna thank you for telling me. And for keeping me informed the past few days. I feel like it really helps to speak w/ someone else who knows him and loves him...
Her: No problem dear. It has helped me too...Thanks.
Her: are you ok now?
Me: I'm doing better yes... I feel...more comforted? idk its weird but I know the tears arent gone for good
Her: I know what you mean, its is hard burying your child
Her: Even if he is almost 40
Me: I've had alot of support from my family and friends, oh and from what I understand thats one of the worse things, its not supposed to be that way
Her: exactly, sounds like you have good friends
Me: they knew how we felt for each other...even if the calender time wasnt long, they could tell
Her: I could tell too, he talked about you all the time
Me: That makes me happy, he tolds me a lot about you and John, I was nervous about meeting you, lol
Her: We'll have to have lunch sometime
Me: I would like that
Her: sounds like a plan
Her: I'm goin to bed, its been a crazy day here
Me: I bet. Goodnight Rita
Her: good night

Convo w/ Rita #2

1/6/12 12:13pm
Me: Kevin...I love you more then words can say. I'll never understand why we were only give a short time together but I will remember every moment. All my friends and family are praying for you, me, John and your family. I never imagined the physical pain I feel from losing you. I love you :-* Rhianna

Her: That is a very sweet sentiment
Me: I talked to him on here almost exclusively, so I feel like this is where I can go to talk to him
Me: I hope thats ok
Her: That is fine, what ever you need to do
Her: I found out something today
Me: I felt like talking to you last night was very comforting
Me: Whats that?
Her: I retracted his offer that he made on an absolutely beautiful home in Arlington
Me: Wow...
Me: He had found a home
Her: He told me he only wanted the best for you
Her: Its gotgeous the realator took me to see
Her: I wish I would have taken pics
Me: Did it have a garden tub?
Me: I asked for that :(
Her: yes it did, pool and jacuzzi in the backyard too
Me: Thats the one he told me about...he told me he wasnt for sure
Her: the entry was marble w/ a gorgeous chandelier
Her: I think he was trying to surprise you
Me: I miss him so much
Her: Johnathan asked me again where he is and when he'll be home
Her: poor baby just doesnt understand
Me: does he know and forgets/doesnt understand or is it better for him not to know
Her: doesnt understand, did Kev tell you about him, and his issues?
Me: yes he did.
Me: he wanted me to know all about it
Her: ok, just wondering
Her: ok
Me: as soon as he was sure he wanted me to meet him
Her: he was cautious with him
Me: yeah once he knew he wanted to live together he started telling me
Her: maybe we can arrange for you to meet him if you are interested
Me: I would love to. I loved Johnathan. He was a part of Kevin and I wanted to be part of his life. We were all supposed to meet the Friday before Christmas.
Her: the day the movers showed up early
Me: Yeah
Me: Are you doing any better today?
Her: A little, have to maintain my compsure for John
Me: I'm off on fti/sats thank goodness so I've had time to deal, dont think I can watch the texans game
Me: we'd always chat while he watch w/ Johnathan
Her: Kev had tickets, I gave them to his friend Freddie
Me: He said he wanted to get them
Her: what he wanted, he got
Me: I didnt know that, about the $$
Her: and you would have never known by that crappy van he drove, but he has close to $xxx,xxx in his acct
Her: I had no idea
Me: None of that matters, I'd give any amt to have more time w/ him
Me: and I'm sure everyone feels the same

Monday, January 9, 2012

Convo's w/ Rita #1.5

Same night; A little later on
Her: are you ok
Me: no
Me: I'm sick to my stomach
Me: and I've been crying this whole time
Her: I still cant sleep
Me: I never believed in love at first sight or any of that kinda stuff but from the first message w/ him I just felt this unexplainable connection
Her: I know, he loved you dearly. He told me he planned to propose to you
Her: I never thought he would remarry
Me: thats what he said...
Me: about the remarrying thing I mean
Her: he bought you a ring, I know that much
Me: ...
Her: johnathan is taking this very hard, he keeps asking when his daddy is coming home
Me: I love that little boy I couldnt wait to be part of his life
Her: he is a little sweetie
Me: I'm still in shock, this is very hard I know it must be for you too not trying to take that away
Her: I understand, you must have truely loved him
Me: I had something of his and I made him take it back last time I saw him and now I wish I wouldnt have
Her: I dont know you, but you seem like a very nice girl
Me: Thank you. I love him...
Her: never forget, he thought the world of you
Me: I dont wanna go on...I cant imagine replacing him
Her: you have to go it for kevin
Her: he would want you to
Me: He had so many plans, for us
Me: I hate that now
Me: Now I feel lost
Her: why do you hate it?
Her: I know how you feel
Her: I feel lost too
Me: I'm sorry
Her: Let me have your address, I want to send you the ring he bought for you
Me: that would be, that would mean so much to me
Her: email is here and I will send it, its a beautiful ring
Me: email it to his yahoo
Her: Yes
Me: I can do that, if you mail it tho, I live in an apt maybe I should have it sent to my gmas so it will be safe
Her: yes, that would be a good idea, the ring is probably worth close to 10k
Her: its big
Me: that doesnt matter to me...I'm a simple girl
Me: all I ever wanted was to have someone who loved me completely
Her: that is all we all want dear, unconditional love
Me: the last time we were together, before he got here I was having a bad day and wasnt feeling well, as soon as he wrapped his arms around me and I laid my head on his shoulder it all disappeared...
Me: It was like my head was made to be right there, and he arms fit perfectly...
Her: He had that effect on people, he was a caring man
Her: How long did you know Kevin?
Her: just got your email
Me:just since Oct not long enough
Me: thats my gparents address, I always have my important stuff send there
Her: ok I will box it up and send it, I will also insure it and make ups get a signature
Me: Do you have any personal belongs of his? A shirt, a sock, anything? Something?
Her: I do
Me: Can I get anything? Please
Her: I have his favorite shirt
Her: A cubs jersey
Me: you dont have to give me that, if you wanna keep it
Her: it has his name on it
Her: I dont mind you having it
Me: I got something for Kevin for was a suprise, he said not to get him anything...but I couldn't give him nothing
Me: would you like to see it?
Me: I think he would have laughed
Her: sure
Her: what is it?
Me: I sent a pic
Her: emailed
Me: yes, email. The Cars cars were for Johnathan
Me: I knew how much Kevin loved the cubs since he said not to get him anything, I got something smal and cubs related
Her: lol thats cute, him and Johnathan would have fought over it, John lives Mr Potatohead
Me: And I said that to Kevin, when I said I got him something he gave me this look and I said, well Johnathan would like it too
Her: yes
Her: I know he recently updated his will, if he left you anything, I will not fight you getting it. I kow he had just orderedd and paid for a new car.
Her: the will will be read in 3 weeks
Me: I'm speechless...he ordered that silly car?
Her: he did... a cadillac, I think
Me: lol I thought that was so silly
Me: hes crazy
Me: :(
Me: But he was so excited about it
Her: its pretty
Me: I know, its a beautiful car
Me: he did a good job picking everything
Her: he was looking for a house, Im not sure how far he got on that
Me: I'm not sure, I just asked him to make sure I could go online to see it once he picked it out
Her: something else for me to look into
Her: I have the realators card, I'll call him
Me: did he pass here or dallas?
Her: Dallas
Me: But you went up there? so he wasnt alone?
Her: I came up when he said he'd been in an accident and wasnt feeling well. I came up to take Johnathan off his hands until he felt better, good thing I came
Me: Where was John when he had the accident? I just assumed he was still in Houston
Her: His best friend Freddie has a daughter who was babysitting him
Me: Thank God Johnathan wasnt in that van
Her: He would have been killed instantly
Me: by the way...I'm Rhianna
Her: I am Rita
Her: very nice to meet you, wish it was under different circumstances
Me: wish we could have met under different circumstances
Me: heh...
Me: I keep thinking I am sleeping
Her: are you still crying?
Me: yeah off and on, I'll think of something and it starts all over again
Me: I have pics of us in my comp and they randomly pop up
Her: I'd like to see a pic of the two of you
Me: I can send them
Her: I would like that
Me: 1 min
Her: no problem
Me: I sent them...I am a photoshop addict so forgive the look
Her: ok
Her: you guys look good together
Her: I need to try to get some sleep, we will chat again soon
Me: thank you...ok goodnight

Convo's w/ Rita #1

1/5/12 9:56am
Me: tell me you've been in this terrible accident and then dont hear from you again. Are you ok? Did you go to the hosp? Were you able to start your new job? Are you alive!!
1/5/12 9:20pm
Me: I need to talk to you, hope everything is ok
1/6/12 12:01am
Him(his mom from here on out): Im dead
Me: huh
Me: Are you still there?
Him: Kevin passed away, he had a punctured lung and bled internally
Me: Uh?
Him: yes, this is his mother
Me: is this for real?
Him: yes, I am very sorry to break this news to you
Him: and I have his son w/ me now
Me: no way
Him: the funeral is Sat in Chicago
Him: at 1pm
Me: omg wait for real
Him: yes, im very sorry, he told me that he loved you, and for me to say godd bye from him
Me: is there anyway you can call me
Him: that was his last words
Him: I cant talk about it right now, im still very upset
Me: I am having a very hard time w/ this just bc...when did this happen?
Him: Tuesday about 3am, he was rushed to the ER coughing blood, he passed at 1:47 on wednesday
Him: I know I dont know you, but he though very highly of you
Him: he spoke of you often
Me: is there anyway I can get closure from this?
Him: i can email a pic of him in a coffin at the funeral, other then that, I'm not sure what to say
Me: I dont wanna seem cruel...
Him: his money is now tied up or I would fly you up to the funeral
Me: this is unbelieveable
Him: I'm sorry
Him: I really need to go, I havent slept in days
Me: Well...I had a present for Johnathan
Me: for christmas
Him: Johnathan has anything he could want/need, Kevin was VERY well off, and he spoiled that boy rotten
Me: ok...
Me: I'm sorry
Him: I miss him SO much... he was my reason for living, now I have a little Kevin to keep me going, but I will never stop missing Kevin
Me: I can't stop crying...he was amazing
Him: just remember one thing...tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone
Him: live life to its fullest
Him: I have to go, sorry to break the news to you this way
Me: ok I understand thank you (12:26am)

2nd to Last Convo w/ Kevin

Me: I sure do miss you...I don't know if I'm supposed to move on or not tho?
Him: I miss you too... things are just really crazy right now
Him: I have just found my laptop, it was accidently loaded on the truck
Him: and put into storage
Me: Omg
Him: yes??
Me: I had no idea what was going on
Me: lol
Him: I'm sorry, had no way of contacting you...the movers came last Friday and completely caught me off guard
Me: I kept telling myself that you wouldn't just ditch me but I was starting to lose hope
Him: I am SO sorry
Me: Its ok
Me: I'm glad you didn't ditch me
Him: never baby
Me: thank GOD
Me: You need a phone!
Me: Damn it
Him: I get one next tuesday!!
Me: what are you doing do you have time to chat or were you just stopping by real quick
Him: just stopping by, Im in mcdonalds parking lot
Him: stealing internet
Me: ok here or there?
Him: here... im in arlington right now
Me: when can we chat again?
Him: ur off tomorrow?
Me: yep
Him: ok, tomorrow at 2pm
Me: Chat?
Him: Yes
Me: ok babe
Me: Promise?
Him: bye sexy, need to run
Him: promise
Me: ok bye
Him: bye baby
Him: love you
Me: love you too

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Our Very Short Story

We met thru an "Strictly Platonic" ad I posted in October. I was frustrated w/ men and dating. I laid it out plan and simple 10 Questions. If you answer yes to all of them message me.
I had quite a few replies but from the moment I read yours and then responded we seemed to click. Our relationship grew quickly and we both fell hard, surprisingly you first :)

Your love made me believe again. I had had so many bad experiences after re entering the dating world after my divorce. We made plans for our future, well, mainly you made plans and you wanted me by your side. February was the big month, you had already moved up to Dallas, and I was coming next month. We were moving quickly compared to the "normal" timelines of a relationship, but we knew what we were ready, what we wanted. I was so excited.

You were rearended on Dec 30 by a dumptruck but you didnt go to the hospital. Wed 3am you were rushed to the ER. You passed Weds Jan 4th at 1:47pm in Dallas.

No one notified me. Until Thurs/Friday at 12:05am. I guess you thought you'd make it and wouldnt want me to worry? I dont know... I wish I could have been there...I should have been there. What am I supposed to do now?

Your mom has been amazing. She told me about the ring!! And the house you made an offer on in Dallas. I cant believe you were gonna surprise me!!

I love you KJ. You will forever be in my heart, but damn it... why did you leave me here all alone??

Sad News

Kevin passed away due to complications of injuries sustained from the accident on 12/30/11. He was rushed to the ER around 3am Tues night/Weds morning and passed at 1:47pm on Wednesday 1/4/12.

Here are some copy paste from other pages I have already posted the new too:

1/6/12 12:35am this is not rhianna, but i was told to leave a message saying that kevin has passed away from injurys from a car accident...

1/6/12 1:22am I can't stop crying...

1/6/12 5:25am Please....please tell me this is all a horrible nightmare...the tears won't stop!! Everything changed in the blink of an eye...

1/6/12 9:30am I dont understand why I was only given such a short time w/ him. Knowing our plans for the future and what HE wanted for us but bc I am nothing but a gf whom they (his family) hadnt even met yet, feeling left out of the process. He passed 2... days ago. I should have been there. But no one contacted me. His service is in Chicago tomorrow. I cant go. I dont wanna sleep bc I know I'll see him there. My face literally hurts from hours of crying, but I cant seem to stop the tears...

1/6/12 5:16pm I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

1/7/12 8:00am its an unimaginable feeling. He had just put an offer on a house, bought a ring and and was planning on suprising me...I didnt know any of that. We were planning on moving in together in 4 weeks, but he kept acting like we were gonna get an apt or something...his mom found all this out, she retracted the offer on the house...she says shes gonna send me the ring...his service is today @1pm but I wont be able to go bc its out of state. He had past for 48 hrs before she told me, apparently he had $$ and his family wasnt sure of my intentions. But I had NO idea. None. From the time he was in the hospital to the time he past I could have driven up there, but no one contacted me. I should have been there...

1/7/12 9:30am I slept last night...thats a plus.

1/7/12 9:34pm I wanna say thank you to everyone who has left messages, texted, called, and commented the past 2 days. And another thank you to every who prayed for me, and his family. I still need both the prayers and support thru this. I ♥ you Kevin :-/

<3 R

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Been Away

I hope everyones holidays were spent w/ family and friends. I've been away from the blog for a couple weeks. Been thinking about my return, but I HAD to catch on my google reader first, I was over 1000+ post for a week. I couldn't let myself blog until I was all caught up and I finally am.

So a quick catch up.
Kevin is in Dallas now. He was in a terrible accident on the 30th. The last we spoke he was alive, but pretty banged up. He was supposed to start his new job Tues but I have no idea if he did or not. I'm assuming not, bc he was supposed to be getting a work cell and I havent heard from him. We anticipated this period of mass frustration, but it doesnt stop it from sucking big time. Especially now w/ the accident. I have no idea how hes doing. Did he end up in the hospital?

Since I was rejected for the weightloss surgery, I am going to try again to do this on my own. I really hope I can figure it out, bc I dont wanna lose to gain back more then I lost. I am currently at my heaviest and my body can tell. My knees hurt, I am sore everyday. I am getting heartburn every night (I fixed that one). Plus I turn 30 this year and I would really like to make some babies!! :-) My brother and his GF are expecting and it kinda hurt my feelings when my mom said she had given up on me ever making her a gma :-( Dang its not like I didnt try. I know she didnt mean it like that, but people need to be more considerate of things like that. Oh well. So anyway my plan is to lose 25lbs per quarter. 100lbs total for the year.

Well... today is my Friday and its almost over, so I better wrap it up for now, be back in a few days.