Seriously? You have GOT to be kidding me!

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Happy 30th Birthday to my friend Randi!!

**Adult Product Info**
I wanna say I ran across this new product advertised in Redbook. I immediately went to the company's website to get more info. I am totally blown away by this. (ha!) Its called Masque. Its a flavored quick dissolve strip scientifically made to block flavor profiles associated with oral sex on men, especially of semen. I am speechless. If this really works it will change the world. I love, LOVE uh... participating in the activities mentioned but also hate the ending, flat out refuse. I'm gonna order some, see how it goes. I'll report back.
**Ok Done**

Today is Day 2 of the 5 Days of Christmas at work. Today was a catered "lunch" from Boston Market. OMG It was delish. I love working for a company that 1 acknowledges Christmas and 2 acknowledges us. And we are always having little fun days and such. Its cool. I am appreciative. Especially coming from Dish Networks call centers. God that job suck big fat...hey maybe Dish should give their employees the Masque. Make it go down easier. Ooooooooh. lol

Since I have to work Christmas day my mom is gonna have a family dinner on the 24th. I am glad I'll be able to spend the day with the family. Its still a big bummer about the actual day but I guess I'll survive. I'm off on the 26th too. That's the day Kevin is leaving for Dallas. So I'll be able to see him off hopefully. I'll let him know. Sigh...January is going to be the longest month of my life.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Rambles

Friday didnt quite work out as hoped. Unfortunately Kevins mom was not available to babysit as late as we had planned so he had to leave by 5. Since both my mom and Krystal had to work, we were unable to have dinner w/ them. I was pretty bummed. But at least she was willing to watch Johnathan so we could see each other for awhile. We had a long talk about Dallas and we were able to discuss some major topics like:
Am I working? up to me
Covering my bills? he will
Allowance? have my own debit card
Expectations? transportation for Johnathan
etc...
We also covered the whole topic of is he 100% sure. I am taking a huge step by quitting my job, leaving my friends and family behind to be with him in Dallas. I understand and hear all the worries of my family and friends. I understand our timeline is shorter and quicker then they are comfortable with. Kevin and I know that more then anyone else. But we also know we have never felt this way about another before. He is sure he wants me there. He understands what I am sacrificing to be with him. I know this is what I want. He has mentioned numerous times that he can't wait to come home to me, be able to cuddle on the couch w/ me. He tells me all the time he misses me in his arms and how he would love to wake up to my pretty face everyday.
UGH! I hate being away from him. February cant come soon enough. Like I said on my facebook on Friday, I fit so perfectly into his arms, no matter what is going on the moment my head hits his shoulder, I feel better. And thats a true story. I wasnt feeling well when he made it over, and was almost thinking maybe I should cancel. He walked in and sat on the couch, I cuddled up to him, laying my head on his shoulder, he wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close and I felt better.
One side of me is annoyed/disgusted w/ how lovey dovey I am. I feel so silly. But I know these feelings are more of newness and as time goes by they will fade. Hopefully leaving behind a strong bond. So I am trying to enjoy them, w/o making too many people nauseated in the mean time. But this is MY blog and I can smile and sigh as I remember something Kevin said and you just have to suck it up chump! lol

Hmmm what else, oh Friday night Krystal and I went to the tattoo place and she got her loves bday tattooed on her ring finger. I have pics and video that I will post. She was trying to get my to get something too, since she hates to be in pain alone. But alas I am broke.
Saturday was the 1st annual Christmas Cookie decorating party w/ Krystal and her 2 sisters, Melissa and Kacie. It was a lot of fun. We laughed alot, watched Elf, and Krystal made a white chocolate mocha coffee drink that tasted just like a starbucks drink. So good. Afterwards I went to my grandmas to return her rolling pin and baking sheet. We ate a few cookies and had some eggnog.

Overall a pretty good weekend.
Friday Kevin is going to bring Johnathan and we will all spend the day together. I am so nervous and excited. Johnathan is autistic, more specifically Aspergers syndrome. I have no idea what to expect. I hope he likes me. I am giving him his Christmas presents so hopefully that will help win him over. If anyone who reads this can give some words of advise on this subject it will be mucho appreciated.

Love is...

Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are.

Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two.

Louis De Bernieres

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Censorship

I've censored the following, in protest of a bill that gives any corporation and the US government the power to censor the internet--a bill that could pass THIS WEEK. To see the uncensored text, and to stop internet censorship, visit: http://americancensorship.org/posts/22094/uncensor

I ████ ███████ ████ the ██████████ is ██████ to ██████ the ████████. We ████ to do ██████████ we can to ████ ████ █████ now!!!

Uncensor This

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Look I'm Back

My kidneys have been hurty all day today. I think I need to cut back on the soda for awhile. I need to really get my butt in gear and start losing weight. When I move in w/ my boys (Kevin and his son Johnathan) I want to be able participate and enjoy all the activities. They are very active as far as doing fun family stuff on weekends and I dont wanna miss out or be miserable. I need to get my stamina up to where I can walk long distances. It wont take long if I just start walking everyday.

I have a very busy weekend coming up. Friday I need to take Chance to be groomed. I am having lunch w/ Kevin, that night he's meeting my mom and Krystal for dinner. At some point I will have to clean up the apt since Kevin is coming over. Saturday Krystal and I are co-hosting a Christmas cookie party at her apt. My idea for the party she was nice enough to volunteer her place. I said I would bring all the cookie dough and "base" frosting. So I'm gonna have to find time to make the dough. And I need to run to the store to get cookie cutters, parchment paper, sprinkles/decorative frosting and a better cookie sheet.
Phew. I am pooped just typing that out. lol

So I have wisdom/molar problems. All the bottom ones that have come in as an older teen/adult came in rotten and have given me years and years of pain. Well I am pretty sure I never got any wisdom teeth up top. Not too sure. But every once in awhile w/i the last year or 2 the top right will kinda hurt. Nothing like the bottom ones but still uncomfortable. Well its hurty today. I have been rubbing my tongue up there. It feels like a tooth is pushing up against my gums. There is no room in between my back molar and my jaw. I am praying this is not a damn tooth or I am going to be miserable. Sigh..

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

I am a bad blogger

So yeah Kevin spent the night last week. I was the happiest woman in the world for 12 hrs...until he left. I hate being apart from him. I am counting down the days till I move to Dallas w/ him.

Oh yeah...

Since he got the job in Dallas I asked him what that meant for us and he said he wants me there. We talked some more about the details of that and he is thinking Feb for me to come up there. My lease isnt up till March so we'll see. I have had a lot of people giving me their opinions about this, when I havent asked, and I understand all the concerns people have but ultimately its my decision. My mind is not made up 100% and Kevin and I have a few serious conversations between now and then.

Yesterday was Rylands 18th bday. Very sad day for me and my mom. I went to him page and saw all the messages from his friends. It brought tears to my eyes. God I miss him so much. His 16th, 17th and 18th bdays have been spent locked up. I hope he is out before his 19th bday.

Ok I am going to try and start blogging more then once a week again, so I'll come back tomorrow or Thurday. For real.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Yay Last Night

Kevin spent the night for the first time last night. Man it felt to good to have him there w/ me...

oops never finished this one...I back dated it to the correct date

brb w/ a new post

Monday, December 5, 2011

Catch Up

After last weeks post I had pretty much decided that Kevin and I needed to have a serious talk. I wasnt going to continue this way. Its too stressful and I dont think I was being irrational. I sent him an email overnight Thurs/Fri morning. The email is below:

So...I completely understand that you have a whole lot going on right now. So it makes it hard for us to physically see each other. But I don't understand silence. 2 weeks in a row we've gone days w/o "speaking." Its hard for me to understand how you don't even have 5 mins everyday to log in and just see how I'm doing or a quick phone call would blow my mind. Or even if you are going to MIA for a few days to tell me that, so I'm not sitting here wondering if you changed your mind.
If you aren't interested anymore the proper thing to do is tell me. (Which I hope isn't what you want.)
If you are just swamped and tired, please remember that I want to be a part of your life, I love you and being left alone and in the dark is hurtful and lonely and frustrating and heartbreaking....etc.
Please understand I'm not trying to be a bitch at all. My feelings are hurt. And I was looking forward to talking to you last night, only to have been forgotten...
If I have this all wrong and I've missed something please let me know.
<3
Rhianna
PS I'll be waiting to hear from you.


Friday when he got to work at 6pm he logged in and messaged me inviting me to his work. I get there and the first think he does when he opens the door is say he's sorry and hugs me tight. We go in his office and I explain to him why I feel the way I do. We end up talking for hours. About everything. Laughing our butts off, telling stories, etc. It was so nice. We talked about the plans for Dallas (he got the job and has to move :'( I am so bummed). He told me more about Johnathan, his son and his level of Autism. He opened up more to me Friday night then ever before so far. Normally I do most the talking, not on purpose, if I stopped we'd just sit there. But not this time. lol

The hours flew by and before we knew it it was 11. The party he was working was supposed to end at 11 so we wrapped up our convos and started heading for the door. As I leaving he pulled me back and said I didnt have to leave just yet and the look in his eyes... I hadnt seen that in awhile. He had been so stressed w/ everything going on he had forgotten us. He's a cuddler and loves to just hold me. I stayed awhile longer and when we heard the music stop upstairs, he walked me to my car, where he promised me to not leave me hanging and told me that as soon as I meet Johnathan our relationship will totally change, for the better. So... I'm waiting on that now.

Since Friday we have talked all day Saturday, a little Sunday and he messaged me today to say he was on his way home and he would message me when he got home. He is supposed to come over tomorrow and spend the night for the first time. OMG I am so excited. I took tomorrow off so I can make sure my house is presentable.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

No TV and No Beer make Homer Something Something

Stop playing w/ my emotions.
I am going to FLIP OUT. Its not ok. Its not. And I am tired of feeling crazy over some guy.
Kevin has once again gone MIA. Sunday was the last time we IM-ed. I am not a crazy girlfriend. I am really not. But he is making me this way.
When he logs in, when ever that may be, he will hear about this. Either he has time for me in his life and will respect my time as well or he doesnt and he needs to let me move on. I dont have to sit around and wait on his ass. I have options and I deserve to be treated like a FREAKING MATTER!!!!!!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Happy Post

Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. Mine was all over the place but over all pretty good. If nothing else I got a car.

Yep. You read that right. I got a car. Shes beautiful. lol 2002 Acura 3.2TL I have pics but I'm at work. I got her all by myself...sorta. Its in my own name. I did borrow the down payment from my momma but I am paying her back this week.

I ordered a sexy little "outfit" from Hips and Curves and everything looks and fits great except the corset. I am so bummed. I read the sizing instructions for everything more then once. It said order by your bra band size and if your cup was DDD or larger go up 2 inches. So if my bra is 42G they are suggesting a 44. In the comments it stated if you want a more "relaxed" fit go bigger. I ordered a 46. That thing is a joke. I would have to have someone dress me :( I cant decide if I want to return it or not. I probably will. Its not practical to have someone (krystal) come over everytime I wanna wear it.

Went grocery shopping. How is it that everything needed to be replaced this week? Toilet paper, razor blades, qtips, cat litter, cat and dog food, etc plus groceries. Crazyness.

After a few days of not talking to Kevin, I finally got a message from him telling me he was leaving for his hunting trip. Which is exactly what I asked him to do so that eased my mind. (And if he was trying to phase me out he wouldn't have done that. lol) Then the 1st thing he did when he got back in town late late last night, a day early, was let me know he was home. Then we chatted today. I miss him so much. I cant wait to see him again.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Hate all the things!!

I'm too depressed to blog...
Which is kinda silly bc actually I use my blog to vent and such so I should just post about the issue troubling me.
But I dont wanna sit here and think about the stuff thats make me sad.
BUT I dont wanna neglect my blog either.
So I'll do a bullet point post and get my issues out and catch y'all up.

*My car. I hate BOA. Its gone...my poor baby car that I loved so much.
*I have no transportation.
*Russell is moving back into my apt bc...I need him around for transportation but his truck sucks up so much gas that he cant afford to drive to his house and back, picking me up, etc. Yay.
*Kevin not having a phone. I am sad and want to be comforted.
*I got approved for a car loan in my name but its part of a 2nd chance credit program and it requires me to have a co-signer for 6 months and no one, who has been nice enough to try, has credit thats good enough. Everyone w/ good credit wont do it. I understand its risky but I was even willing to have my direct dep automatically take the amt of the car note and put it in their acct.
*I asked my family to please stop having all the family functions on Sundays bc I have to work and cant attend, and to please swt them back to Saturdays like they used to be. (The only reason they swt to Sundays to begin w/ was bc my mom worked Saturdays years ago and couldnt go to those, but now thats not necessary.) And yet 3 of the last 4 have still been Sundays. I hate not being able to see my family, makes me even more depressed.

Whatever...this isnt helping. I just feel like crying so I'm gone for now. Have a good Thanksgiving. I'll be working.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

I'm all better..I know you were worried. lol

Whats wrong with me?

I dont understand whats happening?
I am completely terrified over something bad happening w/ me and Kevin. This feeling of intensity is turning into anxiety. Which is eventually gonna give me an ulcer.
It probably has something to do w/ having ZERO control over the situation. Since he has no phone and we only communicate via yahoo IM or gmail chat (very rarely his office phone) I cant just call or text and have him respond. You dont realize how comforting that is until you dont have it.
I'm gonna have to pray for peace and comfort for myself. lol
Ugh...

ETA: I know I sound crazy. I'm venting my "crazy" out and keeping it away from actual people bc I realize how I sound. lol

Such a Worrywart

Sorry for being MIA for almost a week. Theres a lot going on both in life and in my head and I havent been able to process it all.

First off BOA repo-ed my car. I am super annoyed about it bc I honestly didnt know I was far enough behind for it to be repo-ed. I mean I knew I was behind, but... yeah. That happened over night Friday. So I have been vehicle-less for a few days. I am getting it back just trying to get a total from BOA. Even tho they took the car Fri/Sat it still has yet to be processed. Bc of this I am on an impromptu vacation. Yay.

Saturday night Kevin asked if I would be interested in moving in w/ him and his son when they move down here. That wont be till after the first of the year, so we still have time to get to know each other. He said he is ready for me to meet his son. Wow... yeah ok. Sunday he told me if he gets this job (that hes in Dallas for the 2nd interview) then when I move in I wont have to work. Wow again. I understand his reasons, he even said when he asked me to move in, that he just wants to be with me all the time. So if I kept this current job I wouldnt be home when he was, or have the same days off. But I dont think I wanna not work at all. IDK. I'll have to see how the next few months go.

I went and saw Kevin at his job Monday night and hes just so awesome. He pushes me outta my comfort zone in a good way. Makes me not be to uptight and rigid. He has an office thats kinda out of the way and a door that locks. So we had alittle fun, which was so not like me at all. I am not an outside of the box kinda girl. His office is also just a hallway away from the lake. We sat out there for awhile and talked more. It was really nice out there.

OK so thats all the actual stuff. But internally I am fighting myself. I hate the fight. I am so afraid of rejection. And the unknown. All my head does all day is worry. I'm gonna have an ulcer by the time we move in together. Its all unfounded. I know this. So at the same time I am worrying I am also trying to tell myself to calm down, shut up and everything is fine. I am such an uptight person. I wind myself up tighter and tighter. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaah!!! I am annoying myself.

I love Kevin.
Kevin loves me.
Everything is good.
(repeat until Jan)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Say Aah - Music Meme

Thanks to Amanda for this awesome Meme!

For an explanation of the blog title, please see the last question!
  1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
  2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
  3. Write that song name no matter how weird it sounds.  (NO CHEATING!)
  4. Tag some other people and force them to do the same thing ♥
IF SOMEONE SAYS ‘ARE YOU OKAY’ YOU SAY?
Right Thru Me – Nicki Minaj
WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Take it Off – Ke$ha (hehe)
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
Always - Atlantic Starr
WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
I Keep Forgetting - Michael McDonald
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Pray for You - Jaron
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE’S PURPOSE?
I Celebrate My Love for You – Peabo Bryson and Roberta Flack (I am a little obsessed w/ love)
WHAT’S YOUR MOTTO?
Beautiful Girls All Over the World - B.O.B
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Hood Rat Bitch - Cash Money Millionaires (How rude!!)
WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Realize - Colbie Caillat
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Love Me Dead - Ludo
WHAT IS 2+2?
All of Creation – Mercy Me
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Here and Now – Luther Vandross (Perfect)
WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Young Forever – Jay-Z
WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Firework - Katy Perry
WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Party Like a Rockstar – Lil Wayne (Hahaha)
WHAT WILL YOU DO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Beat the Trunk Up - GT Featuring Slim Thug (Probably true)
WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Hard to say I'm Sorry - Chicago
WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Marvin's Room - Drake
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
Drive - The Cars (bad drivers/car accidents all scary)
WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
We're in This Love Together - Al Jarreau (Back to the love again)
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Stitch by Stitch - Javier Colon
WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
My Old Friend - Tim McGraw (Russell? lol)
WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
All I Do is Win - DJ Khaled
WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
My Best Friend – Tim McGraw (True Story)
WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Last Friday Night - Katy Perry (I did cry last friday)
WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Secrets – One Republic (lol)
WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Say Something(Dirty) - Timberland ft Drake (I hate talking dirty, lol)
DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
My Chick Bad - Ludacris & Nicki Minaj (Kevin did say I was wild one ;)
IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
The Lazy Song - Bruno Mars
WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Just Cant Get Enough - Black Eyed Peas (of Kevin?)
WHAT WOULD YOU WANT TO SAY TO THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU?
I Want This Forever - Drake ft Lil Wayne, Eminem, Kayne West (I wasnt tagged but I love Meme's)
WHAT WILL YOU NAME THIS NOTE?
Say Aah - Trey Songz (ttt)

I love Meme's!!

Introducing...

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Kevin and Rhianna

Yep. I never had a doubts on my feelings for this man. Almost from the moment he responded to my ad, I have felt deeply connected to him. No reason for this. And its not normal. I dont typically fall so quickly. There have been others tho. Not gonna lie. Mostly those were physical tho, ie Fat Mike, Philip. I had this connection w/ Kevin before it was even possible to have a physical connection, obviously.

Last night was finally the night. Our schedules parted and a magical rainbow window appeared for us. lol He had to work late Tues night, till 10pm and had to be back at 7am. Since he lives over an hour from his job, driving back and forth would have been dumb. On nights like that his boss will pays for a room. So he got a room at Super 8. After I got off work I met him there. I was so nervous for 2 reasons, safety first. Uh hello I was meeting him at a hotel. A strange man. lol. But I have a system and I always try to be as safe as possible. Reason 2, we were finally meeting.
Once I got there I was stupid nervous, saying dumb stuff I'm sure. Just talk, talk, talk, talk. It helps calm my nerves. If you asked me what I talked about. I had no idea, I think I told him why I decided not to eat Ramen Noodles right before I come over?? Ugh I dont know... once I shut up and let him know I was calming down, he leaned over and kissed me.
Phew, thats what I needed.
Pretty much the rest of the night went well. He doesnt normally stay up real late so he started to crash about an hr after I got there. We were just laying in the bed chatting and I would look up and he'd be sleeping. lol Poor little sleepy head. So I went ahead and let him sleep. I turn out the lights and watched tv until I fell asleep too.
He didnt try to rush anything, but we still had a great night. *cough*notsayingwewastedahoteltroom*cough* His alarm was set for 6 but he over slept, we woke up at 7. Oops, so he got dresses and flew out the door. I stayed till check out and then on my way home he texted to see if I wanted to meet him for lunch. So I went home, changed and then picked him up. He works at the Hilton right on the lake so we just went back there and sat out by the water.
We talked and he told me how happy he was that I was still interested after meeting him. lol That was the same thing I was worried about. We talked about how crazy it is that we just found each other. How does that happen!!? Seriously, so weird. Then we decided to make it official.

I am now in a relationship. OMG! I heart my bf! Kevin and Rhianna forever!! lol

Thank God. Seriously. I am so thankful to God for giving me Kevin. He has been a light in my life. Even tho 28 days to meet was rough, I remained as patient as I could be. I prayed and thanked Him for bringing Kevin into my life. And I will continue to pray for our relationship. I want this one to be done right. And that is thru God.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Finally

In about 1 hr and 20 mins I will finally be meeting Kevin.

HOLY FREAKING CRAP. TODAY HAS BEEN THE LONGEST DAY EVER.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up

*Thursday night, my Fridays, I went over to seem my old roomies. I hung out over there for awhile, got the scoop on the new roommates and how they hate them. lol
*Friday was my lazy day. I went grocery shopping. Made tator tot cass. Krystal was supposed to come over but she ditched me. So that was nice. lol Then later that night was when Kevin and I get into a little situation. And I cried. lol.
*Part of Saturday was quite lazy at first also. But then Saturday night Krystal and I went to play Bingo. So fun even if we never win. And we were the first outta the parking lot! WAHOOO! We won that. Ha.
*Sunday before work Kevin and I had that great convo. Then I went to work. While I was at work Kevin and I talked some more. That convo was also awesome. We talked about the future. Got some good info. We started the whole "I'm not on the pill" convo and he said he had a vasectomy. That made me sad, and he asked me if I wanted kids one day. I said I did. Just 1. A girl. I asked why he did that w/ only one kiddo. His reply was that he only wants one. I told him that made me a little sad but it didnt ruin everything. And he said he's not opposed to having more kids. Awww...seriously, guys. He'd be willing to put his junk back under the knife just to make adorable fat babies w/ me. If thats not true love...lol.

That was it. Exciting right? Arent you jealous of my life??

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Much Better.

Phew, after that last post I was feeling like I was gonna lose it. I hate that feeling of unknown. My mind tortures me and comes up w/ these horrible ideas and it just starts to snowball out of control.
We talked this morning. He was saying he just wants to know someone loves him, or even likes him. I guess he was feeling me pulling back. So we got some stuff off our chest. It was needed.

And I am getting more comfortable w/ how I feel for him. Luckily we finally are meeting, Tuesday night. OMG! I am nervous but its about time. Since I am trying to just embrace the feelings w/o over analyzing them I am going to be the biggest romantic cheesy sap ever. Hope you got your nausea meds, lol. I have been listening to songs and picking apart lyrics. Finding quotes, etc. I love it.

And with that I will leave you with one from today...

"But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But
I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you

They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth..."
Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

Saturday, November 5, 2011

The One Where I have an Emotional Breakdown

So Kevin and I had our first little ... fight or something? I dont even know. But what was so crazy is that even tho we were communicating via IM he knew I was upset. We had been IM-ing back a forth for only a few mins. He's sick and I was asking how he was feeling. Then just out of now where he said you must be mad at me. I was thinking of the words I wanted to say. It too new for me to feel like I tell him the 100% truth bc I am very emotional and I'm afraid. Ok There I said it. I am afraid of him losing interest. SO I am trying to figure out the words when he replies I know babe...
I burst into tears. How in the world does he know?! I reply back that I am sad and I feel stupid. I explain to him that I am literally crying over a guy who I havent met yet that I have more feelings for then I can understand...and I have horrible luck dating and I am scared that I am getting played. I dont feel like you are lying or playing games. Its been an unfortunate series of uncontrollable situations that have kept you from me, but ... I'm still scared.
He replied that he understood and does he need to back off?
No way. That would be the worse. What I need from you is to reassure me that you arent a dickhead and that it will get better... we get thru it and he comforts me, by the end of our chat I am back to normal.

But I am frustrated right now bc we still havent met in real life. Between his work schedule, mine, his boy and his boys bday and halloween, and then him being sick it just hasnt worked out, just in the short 3 weeks we've been talking. Fine. Whatever. But then the other side of me gets nervous and a fear of rejection starts to creep up and it picks at the cracks in my armor. Rational Rhianna is rational and fine.

There is something different about our relationship. And its the whole "love" thing. I have such a hard time even accepting it to myself let alone letting anyone in my life know how strongly I feel for this man. I dont know why I feel this way. I cant explain it. I wish I could. But hand on the bible from day we started emailing back and forth I felt something. So it may not fit in with the typical timeline but oh well. I did it the "right" way the 1st time and look what happened.

Ugh... its 4:30 I need to sleep

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Thursday Thirteen

1. Kevin - hes sick w/ the flu...poor little baby, but we are settling into a nice little spot together, its comfy.
2. Kevins house - he had an offer on it, too low, so he countered...we will see!!
3. Russ - we are doing very well at finding our way as friends. There are bumps but he is aware of Kevin and respects my privacy and relationship w/ him.
4. Bills - I started up an acct at clearcheckbook.com so I can follow my expenses more closely.
5. WLS - 11/12 is the seminar. Nervous, yet excited.
6. Sleep - its getting better, most night, altho I need to watch how late I eat and what I am eating, heartburn/acid reflex is back w/ some big balls, ouch
7. Ryland - he has called me a few days in a row to just say I love you. Awww so sweet.
8. Shopping - I really want a new purse. And I need a few new pairs of pants for work.
9. My Tire - I still need to get a new one, still on my donut...not good.
10. Mass Firing - at my old job, every year right before the holidays they fire a bunch of people. But this years list seemed to be the most tenured and typically the higher performers. Glad I am not there.
11. Krystal - Hey! I wanna see Anonymous and I wanna play Bingo. Saturday? For bingo I mean?
12. Need to go see my dad.
13. Clean my room. My room is messy right now and its driving me crazy.

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

8 Years Ago Today Part 2

At this time 8 years ago Russell and I were in the back of our limo headed to the reception. Just me and him. Its would be the first time we had a chance to be alone together and the last for the rest of the evening until we left for our honeymoon suite. So we had the driver take the long way. When we finally got to the hotel everyone was wonder what took so long. lol

So where I left off yesterday - After Russell dropped me off and I was safely inside I dont remember anything. I dont know if I got a snack or watched tv. I do remember laying in bed wondering if I would ever fall asleep. Apparently I did. I woke up to a phone call around 9ish from my BFFs in Baton Rouge. Thats where we were living at the time. Donna and Jennifer. They were fixing to go work and wanted to say Happy Wedding Day. lol We all worked together at Piccadilly. We talked for awhile and I wished that they were able to come but my boss couldnt give all 3 of us the days off. Humph...dont know why. lol

After I got off the phone I went into the kitchen where my momma made me breakfast. She make me a fajita omlet. I remember her saying Russells mom probably made him breakfast so she had to too. lol She thought I didnt like onions so she left them out. Shes wrong I do like them. Especially grilled. After breakfast I showered. I shaved everything!! I remember my dad was banged on the door at some point about me taking too long. And then hearing my mom say shes showering for her wedding, leave her alone. lol

I had my outfit picked out way in advance bc I had read in a bridal magazine to make sure you wear a button down so you can get your shirt off w/o messin up your hair/veil/makeup. I worn my fav pink striped top that I wore to my Bridal Shower. And a pair of jeans. We went to a place in Alvin where she did my nails, makeup and hair. I wore it half up and she placed my veil in. I swear I had 100 bobby pins in my hair that day.

Afterwards we went to the dollar tree. Not sure what we were getting there, but EVERYONE was staring at me. We went back home and started loading up the car. Just me and momma for now, but they only had one car so we all had to pack into the car w/ my dress and all the accessories. lol As we were leaving we were doing the checklist off in our heads and OMG I dont have a garter. So we stopped a few places and luckily right before the church there is a little boutique and they had some. Oops. lol

Once at the church, my bridesmaid and maids of honor show up. They are getting ready putting on make up. My gpa stops by to drop off a meat tray for snacks. Bc the wedding planner lady said we should have snacks. The wedding planner wasnt hired by us, she works for the church. She was a dud. I remember going to smoke a cigarette w/ my girlfriends. Taking pics of the bridal party before the ceremony. But not w/ Russell. My mom FREAKING out bc me and Russell cant see each other. Yes we know, mom, calm down.

Then is was time. I was waiting around the corner and Ronnie, my brother, came out and said you look very beautiful. I asked him who told you to say that. lol I can hear my mom singing Ava Maria. I am standing next to the water fountain. Ok they shut the doors to the sanctuary, my step dad on my left, my gpa on my right, they open the doors, the music starts, everyone stands and turns to me. I feel sick to my stomach. I'm looking at the people as we walk. I totally forgot to look at Russell. Oops ok Look now. I look at him. Hes smiling. Phew ok.

At the end of the ceremony as the pastor announce us, we kiss, then turn, everyone stands, music starts and we head back down the aisle, my arm around his, I am looking into the crowds. 2nd to last row. My real dad!! Last row Jennifer and Donna from Baton Rouge. I burst into tears. Russ and I are whisked into a side room to keep the guest from trying to hug us and congratulate us there (thats planned at the reception) we need to finish pictures. Supposedly when my mom saw me crying she pushed Russell outta the way to see what was wrong. He has never let that go. To this day. lol

The rest of the night is a blur. We are moved like cattle from one location to another. Cut cake. Pics. Toss flowers. Pics. Garter. Pics. Toast. Pics. Then we dance. And dance and dance. Wonderful night w/ friends and family. At the very end of the night, my mom, dad and brothers help us carry our things to the honeymoon suite we booked for just that night. The honeymoon is in New Orleans but we got 1 night free at the reception location. Ryland doesnt wanna leave the room, he doesnt understand why he cant spend the night. I undress, down to my petticoat and boob thingy, lol. My parents finally drag him out literally kicking and screaming. I shower and try to get all my bobby pins out.

Since we had 2 surprise out of town guest, staying in the same hotel, we had a small after party in their room. We smoke and drink. And then head back to our room. The hotel filled our room w/ plate of food. Which was good bc I didnt eat at the reception at all. I think I had a pineapple ring and a strawberry. lol After we ate, we head upstair (the room was a loft) and theres champagne. We toast to each other, take a sip, then pour it out and add Dr Pepper to the glasses. We spread all the cards, cash and envelopes out and start counting...

We ended up w/ $1000+ in gifts just from the $$ dance and the people who gave us cash and prizes. And we spent it all on the honeymoon. We had an amazing honeymoon in New Orleans...

So there is it. For the last time. All typed out.

Monday, October 31, 2011

New Gadget

<-------------------------------------------------

Do you see it?

Its part of my google reader. When I share something from my google reader it shows up there. So if I'm reading a funny/sad/etc blog and I want YOU to see it and maybe read it, it will be there.

K.THNKX.BYE.
:)

8 Years Ago Today


Wow...tomorrow is our 8 year anniversary. And here I am finishing up the paperwork to file.

8 years ago today we were finishing up rehearsal and headed to Mamacitas for the Rehearsal Dinner, where we had a fajita buffet and margarita machine in the little room upstairs. :( After dinner Russell and I went to my Maid of Honors apt and got high and hung out. Freaking out what the next day was bringing us. Russell dropped me off at my parents drive way and I was inside before the clock rolled over to 12:00 am 11/1/03.

Russ will always have a piece of my heart, but bottom line I was too young to make a decision on who to spend the rest of my life with. Especially since it was w/ someone who was already established and grown. I have changed so much in 8 years and unfortunately we didn't grow together. I'll tell tomorrows story tomorrow.

Happy Halloween. Sigh...Kinda feel like a downer now. Sorry about that. Don't worry, I am happier now. Really. Kevin is... amazing. He makes me smile. I feel like I am beaming whenever I talk about him. I know our situation is unusual, but that's ok. We both have these indescribable feeling for one another and we both have agreed to just enjoy. So that's what we are doing. He has planned a date for us on Friday. I am so excited. And he said he will get a cell in the next day or 2, here's hoping. I told him I wasn't holding my breath. lol He's just so busy working 6-7 days a week. Any free time he has on weekends is spent w/ his boy. But this week he is supposed to be getting off at 2 everyday. Maybe I'll wake up to a text or phone call from him.

I am having a hard time finding another WLS I can attend bc of my schedule. Oooo.... I found one. At the same hotel Kevin works at... I haven't told him yet. Guess I'm gonna need to mention it. Hope hes ok w/ it. Ok new date 11/12/11.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Thursday Thirteen

Here are my Thursday Thirteen.

  1. Krystal. I got us matching pj pants and I cant wait to give them to her. (HA! Now you're on here and b4 Kevin, feel special!!)
  2. Kevin. My sweet man. <3 Even if we are struggling thru this beginning stage I know we got this! :)
  3. Momma. I wanna hang w/ her more. Maybe lunch once a week or something.
  4. Lil Ron. Need to get a hold of him and see how hes doing.
  5. Big Ron. Just need to check in. Its been a few weeks. And he was giving my mom a hard time about hanging w/ me on Saturday and then on Tuesday.
  6. Russell. We have been doing really well on the "just friends" front. He still tries to kiss me or feel me up sometimes but we can talk about Kevin and his little friend Cindy.
  7. My tummy. Its kinda feels funny. And I feel alittle dizzy.
  8. Ryry. Havent talked to him in 3 weeks or so. Need to fix that.
  9. This cold front coming thru. I am so excited bc its supposed to kill the mosquito's!! Yippie!
  10. Adam. Hes back and trying to start messing around again. I told him I really like Kevin so too bad so sad for him.
  11. I love Pandora.
  12. I am ready for the holidays. I want and need to see my family. I need that recharge I get from them. They make me laugh and we just love each other so much. Its a blessing.
  13. WLS. I need a Saturday seminar to come around again soon!!
Thats it for this week edition. What are your Thursday 13?

Ghost and/or Goblins

I'm better. And no I didnt shed a tear. I was very upset tho. Not so much bc of him, just bc of my awesome dating experience leading up to him. I am scarred. I worry what his intentions are and maybe this is all a joke or fake. I have horrible horror stories from the short time I've been dating and its really done a number on my self confidence. Blah...maybe I should let him know?? IDK....

Got a last minute Halloween party invite. So now I am trying to figure out what can I put together tomorrow that cost $0. Bc Russ used my debt card and didnt tell me and it put me in the negative. I've thought of re-using my 80's costume. A baby/kid - just pjs, pigtails, slippers and a teddy bear or bottle. Alien Abduction - that one looks fun, but its gonna require a lot of sewing by hand, closing leg and arm holes. And I also so the Yip Yip guys from Sesame St and that looks easy but I would need some moola. Bummer...

I feel so blah right now. I had some random hot pockets and I am so worried I got food poisoning again*. I'm sure I'm fine, but man your brain is powerful. I got my tums, naus-ezzz and mint gum and only an hr left of work. So worse case scenario I can fight it until I get off.

*The one time I can for sure say I had food poisoning was from a pepperoni hot pocket. It happened years ago but I still suffer from PTSD, lol.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

I knew it!!

Parent teacher conference tomorrow at 10:30.
Date canceled.
Heart broken.
Tears will be shed when I'm not at work.

Anticipation is Killing ME!!

This is the reason stupid Kevin needs a cell phone. We IM-ed this morning for an hr or so then he got busy. He said he'd BRB but usually he gets swamped at work and I dont end up hearing from him up 9:30ish after he's gotten home and fed, washed and put his boy to bed. This normally wouldnt be the end of the world. I get it. BUT since we are finally meeting each other tomorrow morning I am feeling very...edgy? Thats not really the word I'm looking for. I need to be reassured that tomorrow is still happening. Was his mom ok w/ getting his boy off to school? Is his work schedule still clear? Ugh... Or worse yet, did he lose interest? Did he change his mind? Is he chickening out? And the longer I site here and go over every possible scenario the worse I get. So... I'm gonna stop. Just one last thing IF, for any reason, I dont see him tomorrow I am going to cry. Just fyi.

Monday, October 24, 2011

I freaking love tootsie rolls.

Especially the fruit and vanilla flavored ones.
Sorry had to get that out.

So... I need to file for divorce. How exactly do I do that? lol Ugh this part seems like a lot of work. I guess I better start googling. Sigh...
Russ begged to stay at the apt/car pool this week bc hes totally broke. I said yes but only after explaining to him that once Kevin moves to this side of town hes gonna have to be able to stand on his own 2 feet. So he we rode together today, right before we got to work he was looking kinda blah. I asked him what his problem was and he said he felt like he was getting a migraine. Oh boy! So after being at work for about 2-3 hours he puked all over himself and got sent home. Yay. NO! Hes in my car and hes going back to my apt. Now in case you dont know I suffer from emetophobia and it stresses me out beyond belief when I am around someone sick. Blerg. I hate it. But I cant talk about it anymore, gross...

Kevin was living in the stone ages and didnt have a cell. He said it was bc no one every called him so got rid of it. Well after talking to me he realized he needed one. lol So he was supposed to go today and start check some out. Thank God!! I hate it now. We currently can only communicate via yahoo or email. So its only after he gets home and gets settled for the evening. Or sometimes we talk on his phone in his office. Boo. I hate not being about to stay connected thru out the day.
He said last night that he has never introduced his son to any one he has ever dated but once he gets to know me a little better he looks forward to including me in the activities he does w/ his son. WOW!! That made me happy to hear that. He just makes me happy in general. I cant wait till his house sells so we can be closer. He's planning our date for Friday. I'm excited to see what he picks. I got a coupon for The Melting Pot, but thats like uber romantic. I dont know if he'd wanna do that so soon. Might be uncomfortable for him...lol. Actually I doubt that, hes moving things along pretty quickly.

Its driving me crazy that I havent talked to him today yet!! AAaaaaaaa...

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Weekend Wrap Up

Friday I woke up w/ a sweet message from Kevin. I had intended to spend go grocery shopping and run a few other errands. I stopped by the Dollar Tree first and then headed over the Walgreens. By the time I was done there I didnt wanna do anymore shopping. I was hot and sweaty and the mosquitos* were swarming me like mad men. I had bought some halloween decorations but I wasnt gonna risk myself for that. And I have a whole brand new bottle of Off that I cant find anywhere. Ugh stupid.

Bingo
Saturday was my company picnic. Picked up Krystal and headed out there. It was such a nice day. I had 2 more tickets and gave those to my mom. The 3 of us had a blasty blast cracking up of dumb things like we like to do. We played some Bingo, didnt win then headed home. After dropping Krystal off, I went and got some Off. There was nothing left on the normal shelf, luckily there was a table set out and there were about 6 Deep Woods Off left. Thats it.

my purty momma


The Bestest BFF/Cousin and me



*So we have gone all summer long w/o any mosquitos. Normally we are fighting them all summer. But bc of the lack of rain we had none. Well it finally rained a good amout and a slight cool front and holy crap they are so bad. When I take chance out I literally have to dance around. They swarm any warm blooded creature as soon as you step outside. The only thing that sucks is I dont wanna come to work smelling like Off. And even after I walked Chance last night, I jumped right in the shower and it didnt seem to wash off? I guess its not supposed to come off that easy. So for the walk this morning I sprayed in on my clothes and wore 2 layers. Its so bad.

4 Things



4 Things I'm Enjoying Right Now...
Mmmm
*A large coke w/ extra ice from McD's

*A chicken quesadilla from Chachos

*My google reader full of awesome bloggers

*Internet access at work where I can listen to Pandora

Those were my 4 Right Nows...what are yours?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Thursday Thirteen

Heres are the 13 things on my brain right now.
  1. Kevin - LOL of course. Sigh...I really like him.
  2. My Family - This is to general for just one number so as I hit them they will get their own numbers. I feel so disconnected for some reason. I dont know if I am purposely doing it to keep from hurting or what.
  3. My Mom - She left my dad and my relationship with her is ...changing. I love her so much, she is one of my best friends. But I found out stuff that had been happening that I felt like I didnt need to ever know. Now I have to figure out this new mother/daughter thing.
  4. My Dad - Hes my stepdad. Yes I love him. Hes been w/ my mother and I since I was 2 but that doesnt change the fact that he is an alcoholic and an asshole. Do I want to have a continued relationship w/ him?
  5. Ronnie - My older younger brother. He knocked up his gf and they are keeping it. Probably gonna get married. Dont like her. HATE that another person is having a freaking baby.
  6. Halloween - I am so bummed out that we arent having our annual awesome party w/ the DJ. SO SO So so sad. Typically every year my mom throws a Halloween party w/ a DJ and everything and its awesome.
  7. Ryland - His trial is quickly approaching. 1/26. OMG! I really worry that he has learned anything during this time locked up.I really dont think I can handle having to go my whole life visiting my baby brother in prison.
  8. Russell - I wish I could just snap my fingers and make our situation normal. I hate the amount of involvement we still have. But I'm working on it. Just a few more weeks hopefully.
  9. WLS - I had to cancel the last seminar and I am waiting for another Sat one to come along so I register again.
  10. I want a baby. Its a phase but I do.
  11. Being on my own and making it work. FYI Do not watch American Horror Story right before bed. OMG!!!!
  12. Javi - I told him I had moved on and he got pissed at me. He only text me like once a week. He never has time to hang out. It took like 4 weeks to get him to come over and meet. Plus he isnt physically what I am interested in anyway so...no thanks.
  13. Grocery shopping. I need to do it. I need cat litter, cat and dog food, milk, cheese, eggs, sugar, and lunch/dinner foods. I'm waiting....
So there ya go. 13 very random but honest thought I have had today. If not everyday.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Do You Believe in "At First Sight?"

Ok I started talking to this new guy, Kevin, on Wednesday. We clicked from the moment we started chatting. Honestly it was weird bc it felt like there was this instant connection. The more and more we talked, the more and more I feel…something.
I don’t wanna acknowledge it bc I feel crazy.
But then Monday night, we are having "the talk" about what we are looking for. He says he is looking for a GF, and then maybe… the one. I say I am looking to get out of the dating world, hoping for a BF. Not thinking much further then that yet. He said he'd love to be my bf.
Aww cute smiley faces. We cont to chat. I finally say, look I don’t wanna seem crazy but this…this feels really good. Like already established. He was like OMG I KNOW!!! Weird...

Now I have had run-ins w/ crazy guys and the ones who are pressuring you to move quickly. But this is different. I don't believe, or I should say I have never believed that this could happen. Its so weird. I feel silly. I am all bubbly and happy. I am trying to stay rational tho. I don't want to rush into anything, but I also think you know what I deserve this. I deserve to feel this way. And maybe the timing isn't quite right, but when is it ever. I am eager to get to know him more and we both will enjoy the head in clouds feeling we have w/ each other.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Catch Up - End of Week

After my Very Special Episode I was pretty shook up. Besides the super weird weirdness, we did have a really good discussion about my luck w/ guys. Or finding guys who are interested in more then sex. Now he was more on the extreme side of things but he made some sense. Basically his point was no guy would get involved w/ me when I was still involved w/ Russell. And I was trying to fight my point of, we arent involved per say, but he said we work together, car pool sometimes, we help each other financially. Thats too much involvement since he is an ex. Thats competition.
And he is absolutely right.
But the problem is how do you completely cut ties w/ someone you have been w/ for 11 years. I've never broken up as an adult. I am slowly weaning Russ off. And I see progress being made slowly. Nothing is mine or his. Everything is ours. So lots of sorting and its time consuming, not to mention emotionally draining.
So he may be on to something, BUT I also think there is a happy medium and I am working on finding it.
~
Speaking of VSE (ha!) he left me w/ a bad mojo and I needed to clean that aura outta my apt, so I invited Brian over Thurs night. Mucho bettero. Seriously. I wonder if VSE is a virgin. Such a weird night.

Friday I had my drs apt for my insomnia. I was rx-ed Ambien. And an inhaler for my .... something. I wasnt paying attention. lol I havent filled them yet bc I have to wait till pay day but I'm nervous about the Ambien. She did give me the controlled release which she said doesnt have all the crazy side effects as regular ambien.
Friday night I went to my BFF's and met her kitty Valentine. OMG she is adorable. She was abandoned by her momma kitty and she still has to be bottle fed. So stinkin cute!

Valentine


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

A Very Special Episode

I had the weirdest "sexual" experience as an adult last night. I don't wanna make anyone pass out from being TMI but this story has to be told so, heres my disclaimer:

*THE FOLLOWING STORY IS RATED TVMA FOR SEXUAL CONTENT*

A guy I had chatted w/ for a few weeks during the summer, messaged me on okcupid to see how I was doing. We texted and I invited him over. It was kinda weird. Not really feeling any chemistry there, but he was nice to talk to. Over the course of the night he said I should get more comfortable, ie take my bra off. I kept laughing him off. But at one point I did go to the restroom and decided it was time for my bra to go.
Once he realized it was off things kinda moved from there. I do wanna say the way he handle me/touched me was super creepily soft. Like Tom Hanks in Big. Me no likey.
Anyway so I kept waiting for him to kiss me, nope...I was trying to be more aggressive to show him it was ok. Buy he never picked on it or didnt care.
Then he moved to position himself like something was fixin to happen, I kinda waited for it, took a breath, closed my eyes, sucking my stomach, lol...

Few secs pass by...

Uh. Open my eyes, hes over me just kinda grinding on me, while doing his thing...

WTF!!!

He ended up dry humping me. What is this? 6th grade....sigh... I was embarrassed for him. Afterwards I even said that is was weird, unexpected. And he was kinda like hey, hey now! If he wasn't prepare for sex, ie condom!!, there were other options.

Super bonus deluxe weirdo

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Drugs are GOOD mkay!

I'm not usually the type to take meds for any reason. Doesn't matter if its OTC or Rx. I just don't think its a good idea to pump chemicals into your body unnecessarily. Now there are time when it becomes necessary. And that's a different story. Like my sleeping issues. It was starting to effect my work, social life, etc. If the insomnia was just fewer hours of restful sleep each evening I, honestly, would have been able to handle that. But only sleeping for 1 hr, wake up, 1 hr, wake up, 1 hr....all night. I wasn't getting any rest at all ever. FOR 10 DAYS!!
My bff Krystal is a druggie who loves to pop pills and she does sleeping pills all the time sometimes needs to take sleeping pills so I figured I would go ahead and just ask to have a few, until I could go to the dr. She gave me some muscle relaxers and...

ZOMG!

I slept so good last night. It wasn't the best sleep ever but compared to the last few days it was heaven. I took the pill about 30 mins before I wanted to sleep and the next thing I know I'm scratching my face but it feels like its far away. My lips felt...weird. It was awesome. As soon as I laid down I was asleep and I slept till almost 7 before I woke up the first time. I still dozed off a few times at work today but overall it was much better. The first thing I said when I got outta bed this morning was I cant wait till tonight to take another one.

LOL Uh oh I'm addicted.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Change of Plans

So I was supposed to go to the seminar for the WLS on Saturday. But on Friday my mom called the jail in Olla, LA and asked if it would matter if I had a ticket/warrant. And the lady said no. So now I need to re register for the next one. I am a little bummed but I am so glad to have had the visit.
Now I am super bummed. I went to the website and there are no seminars on the weekend showing on the calendar. I'll have to call, last time I spoke w/ the girl she said they dont post all the dates.

We left for Olla at 2am. It was mom, dad, my little brother Ronnie and his gf Erinn. Drove the 5.5 hrs there and got a little lost. Just about 2 blocks from the driveway I got pulled over for SPEEEEEEEEDING. Again. This time really wasnt on purpose. The speed limit changes every few miles. So I missed one. He got me going 61 in a 50. And I was so scared. I wasnt sure how my old ticket would show up. He came back and asked me to step to the back of my car and I burst into tears. I was so scared. I dont wanna go to jail. No he was just having me sign the ticket. Dumb. Omg. That was scary.
Then when I was getting off the shoulder I peeled out accidentally. Ooops. lol

First visit was 8am-10:30am. We ate breakfast w/ him and it was the most awesome visit ever. The next visit started at 1, so we paid $60 for a hotel room so we could nap for 2 hrs. We were so tired from the drive. After our nap we went to the 1-3:30 visit. I just cant explain how nice it was to be able to sit at a cafeteria table and have him right there. To be able to hug him and hold him and squeeze him. And love him. It was like it hasnt been over a year. But I will say for the family that reads this, he looks different. His baby face is going away and he is more buff then Ronnie. After staring at him for a few hours he looked like my sweet Ryry again but not at first. My mom drove back and the rest of us slept off and on. Good trip.

Adam came over last night. He wanted to cuddle. Aww hes so cute. We laid in bed and talked. It was nice.

Lastly on the way to work today my car was riding kinda weird. And I kept saying I'm gonna have a blow out. And I did. I was about 5 mins from work. I was really hoping I would make it. Oh well. Now I have that sexy golden yellow donut on my car. I dont know when I will have an extra $180. My tires are so expensive. Dumb! Ugh.

So that was my fun filled weekend. I am going to be making an appt w/ my Dr to discuss my new found insomnia. I cant take it anymore. If I wasnt actually falling asleep all the time I'd be ok. Stupid.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Do you know the Potty Rules?

I feel like death. Death on a stick. Blerg. Its my stomach today. And I hate pooping at work so bad. lol Sorry TMI. But its true. No one knows the rules. I just prefer to not if at all possible. I wish there was a secret bathroom at work. lol

Javi texted me finally last night. He said I wasnt texting him/replying to his text. Hmmm I dont know... Seems shady. And he could have called or texted again. Blah. So now I dont know what to do. Boys are dumb and so it dating. I like him but I want someone I can count on. Already my guard is up. Just not a good way to start a relationship... or whatever this is going to be.

My whole family is going to see Ryland this Saturday. I am so jealous. I wanna see him too. I miss him so much. Since they moved him to LA we dont get to see him twice a week like before. He has been there since before Sept. With the holidays coming I need to take care of my ticket in LA so I can go see him before his trial starts in Jan. Which I do already have 2 weeks off for. God I hope and pray that he is able to come home soon. He was so young when he made a really stupid mistake. He has already served 2 years just waiting for trial. I think that is plenty for a minor. Just bring him home!!

Russell, my ex husband (almost), is "talking" to a new lady. LOL I think its cute and I am happy for him. Not gonna lie there is/was a part of me that was all ghetto head rolling hand in the air gum smacking attitude having "oh no he did-eh!" but really. I cant expect him to be alone for the rest of his live. I have moved on and he can too.

TGIF. This week has been ok work wise minus the sleepiness. But I'm excited bc Adams GF is going to be out of town allllllll week. She leaves this weekend and comes back next. SO thats means I get some quality time w/ him. Wahoo.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

So Sleepy

I have been so exhausted the past few days. I am hoping its just related to the move and getting adjusted to everything at the apt. I hate dozing off all day long. I feel so blah.

OH! Funny thing happened last night. I went to bed in my standard attire, t shirt and panties. I woke up around 6 and I was totally nude. How in the world? I have never done such a thing.

Nothing too exciting going on at the moment. I need to restart my dating prospects over again since Javi ditched me for being a skeezebag. lol

Saturday is my WLS seminar. I am really looking forward to that.

Meh...sorry such a lame post.

Monday, October 3, 2011

I've always wanted a Sobakawa Pillow

I am seriously so confused about men. So Javi, he messaged me a few weeks ago on okcupid (a dating site) and we had been texting everyday for about 4 weeks. We had made plans to meet but for one reason or another they wouldnt work out. Highly frustrating but ok. Saturday night he comes over finally and yay we met. I felt like it was kinda weird but ok. Not like scary weird just...different. We went to bed and of course things happened that I didnt plan or expect to happen. (Now of course he says the same thing but who knows) He spent the night and in the morning I walked him out. He remembered that he left his pillow* as we were walking to his car but said he'd come back for it.
Yesterday we texted a few times. Today...nada.
Sigh...How in the world did I let that happen? Shit!!

*that pillow he just bought, one of those Japanese pillows from the infomercial, yeah I am keeping it now jerk!

Sunday, October 2, 2011

On my Own!!

Yesterday was the longest day in history. After staying up too late hanging w/ my roomies, then tossing and turning all night w/ the anticipation of what was coming, the day started early and never seemed to end. Russ came straight from picking up his paycheck. We loaded up all my crap, then drove back to the apt. Unloaded my stuff. Took a short break, loaded his crap, then he left. Then my work started. While I was sick I had already cleaned off the desk, cleaned the drawers and sorted thru his/her crap.(Including all of our old love letters, fun stuff) Yesterday I rearranged the living room how I like it. Put the love seat in the bedroom, unpacked all my clothes. Decluttered most the apt. Still have some work to do but mostly its done. The carpet needs to be cleaned badly and the floors/cabinets in the kitchen and bath. Why dont men pay attention to there things. Oh well.
My body is feeling it today tho. So so sore. And for some reason I have noticed when I take advil I get heartburn?? So I'm thinking I cant do that anymore. Ulcers are bad, def dont want one.

FINALLY met Javi last night, he came over. First time meeting in real life. Hes a big boy, short and stocky. Hes goofy but kinda annoying. IDK we'll see.

Friday, September 30, 2011

MIA

Sorry for being gone for a few days.
After my last post I went to the dr that next morning and she said she didnt think it was strep. I didnt have a fever. She said she thinks its mono. I was kinda thinking that in the back of my mind. And I also have an ear infection. So antibiotics, some pain meds, and OTC sinus meds to help drain my tubes.
As expected I have gained 2lbs since my last weigh in. Boo. I did talk to her about my WLS thingy and she agreed. She was impressed w/ the amount of info I already had and said she agreed about the sleeve. She told me to keep her in the loop w/ insurance clearance etc.
Anyway she put me on voice rest and since my job is my voice I got an unexpected 4 day weekend. So I ended up being able to lay around in my pjs, nap and snack. Very happy. Its nice sometimes to take a break from the world.

Tonight is my last night w/ my roomies. I came back to pack up all my stuff, which isnt too much. I have 2 suitcases, 2 laundry baskets, 1 box, my lingerie bag, a CVS tote and then my bed, and laptop/laptop table. Didnt take me too long. Packed up all my shower stuff tho, oops. Cause I'll take one after the move. I'm sure I'll need it. The girls have been trying to convince me to stay by offering me all kinds of tempting offers. They cleaned out the room across from mine which has a walk in closet and is about 2 times the size. Its also cooler room temp wise, has an awesome window seat and recessed lighting. They even offered to lower the rent to $400. But I turned it all down. Many many reasons, but I am doing the right thing even tho $200 less a month is very tempting.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Puss Pockets are Sexy :)

Last night was awful. After I got home I felt like death. Just completely drained and no will to live. lol So I packed up some stuff and went to my apt to let Russ baby me. I get off at 10:30, get home around 11:10, I ate dinner, packed up and drove over there. By 1am I was in bed. I slept till 11am. It was glorious. But I would be happier if I could stay home in my jammies and eat soft foods and sip on cold or hot drinks. I went ahead and made an appt to see my dr tomorrow morning. I'm nervous. I havent seen her since earlier this year and I am a bad patient. I am also nervous about getting on that scale. But it will be good to be for sure what my number is. I am hoping I can convince here to give me a shot instead of a round of antibiotics bc A: I am terrible about remembering to take them and B: they give me yeast infections sometimes. Too effective, kill all the bacteria!!! No no, some we need, stupid strong pills. Calm down.
One of the things I do when I am really sick is actually funny. When I am sleeping I make funny noises and talk a WHOLE lot. If I have a fever its even worse. I dont have to be asleep, just sitting there watching tv and I'll like make this grunt sound. The sleep talking is worse w/ a fever too. Its one of those things outside of it I think its pretty funny, during the moment, I'm sick and probably grumpy and always super emotional, I'll cry bc you are picking on me by laughing. Luckily I havent had a fever yet this go round.

Only 11 more days till the WLS seminar.
Oh and looks like Russ and I are switching places this weekend. Wahoo. I am so freaking excited.

Monday, September 26, 2011

TMI Sorta Kinda Yeah

OMG I can hardly keep my eyes open. How am I supposed to make it 4.5 more hrs. So Sleepy. I have already had a cup of coffee. Gonna have to go for a 2nd one. My throat is still killing me. And I made an unwise choice and went and saw Matthew this morning.
So I got up too early when I really need to be getting my rest. To go see a boy who doesnt really deserve me bc he only sees me as a booty call (but I am ok w/ that for now.) So I'm sick and I let him know when I got there. Like I thought he wont kiss me. I understand. lol But then right in the middle of the action my stupid body that hates me decides then is the right time to start spotting.
Sigh... so he stops and that ruins everything. lol I cant help him out bc I have strep and my throat is all swollen and gross. Good times :(
Whats frustrating is I dont have a period bc of my weight. So once the spotting starts its possible that it wont stop for a very very long time. Everytime I become aroused I could potentially start spotting again. Its not heavy like a cycle and if I was in a committed relationship it probably wouldnt be so embarrassing. But being single it makes me feel like I dont know my body. He kept calling me a tease. Said I knew this was gonna happen but came over anyway just to torture him. Yeah. Ok. *eyeroll

I am moving back into my apt by next weekend. Wahoo. Russell couldnt afford it anymore and I needed to take it back before he was in this huge hole and I would have to dig myself out of it. I am excited to be on my own for real this time. And to be back to my pup Chance and my kitty Max. I cant wait. OMG! Seriously.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Ouch...

My stupid throat is being stupid. Ugh. Its been kinda irritated for the past few weeks but people were saying it was bc of the wildfires. "They" said it was stirring allergies. Mkay yeah well now its almost swollen shut and covered in puss pockets. MMmmm yeah strep, yay!

Friday night was ladies night and my mom, 2 aunts, 4 cousins and I went to dinner at this new place called Chuys. Its a Mexican restaurant. It was ok. I had the classic texmex enchiladas...not too impressed. Then we went to see the Sara Jessica Parker movie I Don't Know How She Does It. I was impressed. I ended up really liking it. I wasn't interested in see it at all, only went for ladies night w/ the fam and the movie was good. I'm glad.

Saturday my roomies had a garage sale and originally I wasn't involved bc I wasn't getting any $$ from this and its not my crap, but they were so overwhelmed they came and woke me up. It was more of an estate sale vs a garage sale, so there were people all over the house which was nerve wracking. They kept going in my room asking how much was my laptop or whatever. lol

Saturday night I was supposed to meet Javi. This guy and I have been talking for over 2 weeks now and we still havent meet. I dont understand why guys are like this. Especially this guy. He acts like he wants to be my BF, calls me lover and shit. I keep meeting these guys who either wanna meet right away to fuck w/ no strings. Or these guys who act like they want a relationship but are too chicken to meet and date. SO so so so annoying.

All I want it a normal guy who is looking for a normal relationship in person to progress at a normal speed.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

No Band, No Pouch.

So I got my little info packet in the mail about WLS. It went thru the 3 types, bypass, banding and sleeve. I had never heard of sleeve until just recently but I really wanna learn more about this option. I wonder if it would be a good fit for me. Here is my pro/con list:

LapBand Cons/Concerns
  • Stuck foods
  • Foreign object in body
  • Band slippage
  • Fill/Unfill issues
  • Problems w/ not being able to vomiting bc of stomach flu/food poisoning
  • Cancer at band site
LabBand Pros
  • Reversible
  • Nutritional Absorption
  • ...?
Bypass Cons
  • Permanent change to the function of your stomach and intestines
  • Dumping - no not what you think
  • All that rerouting of your insides
  • Malnutrition/Nutrient absorption issues
  • Meh... a lot
Bypass Pros
  • Vomiting is "easier"
  • No band/stuck issues
  • ...?
Sleeve Cons
  • Staple leakage
  • some other stuff
Sleeve Pros
  • Everything that was a con else where doesnt have w/ the sleeve.
Lol ok not really but I got tired of my bullet points about half way in. Could you tell? But seriously I feel like the band isnt really right for me and the bypass seems to have a lot of negatives as well, and the sleeves seems to merge the 2. I know it has its own set of complications just like the other 2 but I am leaning towards the sleeve. I think I will speak w/ my surgeon when the time comes and see what he suggest.
OMG I am excited.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13

Even tho there was a whole lotta bullshit going on bc of my dads craziness (and the apparent goings on of my mother) we were a very close loving family. My family and extended family as well has always been unusual when I compare them to other peoples families. We all live in the same area and we LOVE getting together. We are all christian and I would say are very strong in our faith. I have always felt like bc we are so faithful is the reason we are blessed w/ such a loving family. We have my grandparents who would give anything for one of us in need. I have 3 sets of aunts and uncles plus their kids. All of my cousins have grown up together. We get together frequently and mostly enjoy each other company. My most awesome bff and the lone subscriber over there <-------- is also my cousin.
At home, my brothers, mother and I, were all very loving and so was my dad. Ryland and I are super close. We are so much alike so we clicked. He and I have a special bond and he loves me so much. Its really hard that he is so far away for so long. I cant wait till he comes homes. But thats not my point. Every family has there secrets. No matter how perfect it seems from far away. Deep down there are things going on in there that no one knows about. Addiction. Abuse. Adultery. Money problems.
None of those things should take away the love. I worry about how my family will come out of all this. But I have faith that God will see us thru. I have had some bad days since the start of this. And I get mad. I cry. I question what it was all for then. Why did we even bother to BE a family? Wouldnt it have been easier if we all just got along but didnt build such a strong family core. That way when it broke we could just walk away like it never even mattered. Out of all of this I have never once questioned my faith. And thats how I know I will be ok. God has a plan. It will all work out in His time. It sucks so bad right now but I know the suffering is not what God wanted. We are given free will and we make worldly mistakes that may take us off the path God has intended for us. And that sometimes takes us thru hard times.

But Dear Baby Jesus (my God has a sense of humor) please please please can You comfort my broken heart and those members in my family who are also going thru heartache. Amen

And I know this as my truth. Doesnt have to be yours :)

Monday, September 19, 2011

The One About My Family

I have mentioned it briefly about my mom leaving my (step)dad. That is a whole long story that I wasn't really ready to get into. But I feel like it will help me cope if I vent alittle and in an effort to be a good blogger I need to get my reader(s) up to speed.

My mom was a teen mom, my parents were never married. My "real" dad was not a major role then (or ever). My mom and stepdad began dating when I was 2 or 3. They married when I was 5 and he has always been my dad. I didn't like him tho. He was mean. And really strict. Like way too strict for a 5 yr old. And they would fight a lot. I don't remember them actually getting physical but apparently it did happen. I would pray for my mom to leave him or him to leave and not come back. The fighting continued for years and years. When I was 8 they had my brother, Ronnie. And then when I was 11 they had Ryland.

When I was 12 my mom went back to school and 2 years later they both worked 2nd jobs so I took care of my brothers. I still hate my dad and they still fight a lot. But its not physical anymore. All I do it go to school and when I come home, I get my brothers from the bus, do my chores, take them outside, cook dinner, help them w/ their homework, bathe them, and put them and myself to bed. I do that for a year or 2 and I start getting into trouble so my dad quits his night job and stays home in the evenings now.

We continue to butt heads and he and I start getting into physical fights. My mom hates it. She feels bad I have to do so much around the house and how strict he is on me' but nothing changes. I hardly see my mom at all from 8th grade thru HS, or it felt that way at least. My brothers are my babies!

My dads mom and dad die and all of a sudden he stops being so strict. He lets me smoke and drink at the house. We start getting along more. He apologized for being an asshole when I was younger. I still have chores and have to take care of a lot of the house since my mom is gone a lot but everything is good, sorta. I turn 18 and move out.

My dad is a very angry man and can get really mad really fast. He is a functioning alcoholic and drug user(these are my opinions, never admitted by him) so he has fits of rage over the stupids crap. My mom has graduated and has a good job. Things look like they are going well. My parents have their annoying moments. They are always the ones who bicker at family functions, my dad will pout or leave, after cussing my mother out in front of everyone. My mom isn't happy but... she not going anywhere.

My baby brother, Ryland goes to jail (more on that some other time) and that obviously puts a strain on my family, but even more so my mom and dad. My mom doesn't/hasn't dealt with it at all. Its been 2 yrs and she is still keeping everything bottled up. My dad is very emotional and has gotten into fights w/ my mom over what caused my brother to go down the wrong path. He's really controlling over my mom and snoops thru her things. She hates it.

Fast forward to 3-4 weeks ago, I am talking w/ my mom and she tells me she has tried to leave him so many times but when he gets mean and she was scared. BUT she finally did it she left, yay! Good for her....except now hes airing out their marital issues and being ugly. I have found out about stuff I really didn't wanna know. And Ronnie has really been having a tough time w/ her behavior vs how she raised us. Ryland doesn't know bc we cant decided if he should know or not. I have my mom keeping me out of it bc she feels that since we are grown its not really our business, my dad calling to cry to me and insult my mother, and my brother judging my mom for things that are very hard to know about ones own mother but don't change the fact that she is an awesome mom.

Point of the story, my mom should have left my dad when we were kids instead of staying together for the kids, bc your parents divorcing as an adult SUCKS! I feel like my whole life is being dumped upside down. Its hard enough having my brother, my sweet baby brother gone for 2 years(so far) and my own divorce. Now I feel like I don't have anything left. The strong loving family that we were (really we were, lol) is gone. Gone. I feel alone and empty. And it is awful.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Now or Never!!

So... I made the decision to go forward w/ trying to get lapband. I am so majorly excited but I am trying not to get my hopes up, in case my insurance doesn't cover it for some reason. I don't know why it wouldn't. I mean I work for a group of clinics of over 23+ locations in a major city, one of the most obese places in the USA. Seems like they of all people would cover weight loss surgery (from here on referred to WLS). We will see.
I have battled the decision to have WLS since 2006 when I found out the comp's insurance I worked for at the time covered it. My family has really pushed and pushed, friends have tried also. But really, no one could ever convince me to do this. And no one should have. Its something I needed to be ready for. To do it for me. So after researching it and then putting it on the back burner and doing that for 5 years I am finally ready. I cant even imagine how it will change my life. I have been overweight my entire life. And the lbs just keep coming. This is me taking over my life. And what a better time then now to do it.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Bullet Point Posting

*I am easing my way in to re telling Russell that I am done. And its for sure what I want. Ugh. No fun. So far I have tried but everytime his say "is that what you want?" I just cant say yes. Blast.

*A guy who totally ditched me in the worst way possible, which I thought I blogged about but I cant find it, responded to my happy bday text. I saved his # bc I really liked him. And occasionally I would text him and tell him he sucked. lol Well I remembered his bday was 9/11 bc what a terrible day to have a bday and so I texted him. He responded and we started talking again. He asked to see me and I was reluctant for obvious reasons. I told him no, but then he said I could come over to him, so I agreed. We had a good time, and afterwards I asked if I'd see him again or if this was gonna be like last time. He said I'd see him again, hmph. We will see. He did text me this morning and has been all day. Oh and I was able to verify he is not married. He lives at his moms w/ his son.

*I am thinking of moving to an apt complex behind my work. Its cheap and I can save some money and time commuting everyday. I know I will be even further from family but I work 5 days a week, I see family/friends only once a week or less. Yes Krystal you will come see me more then once :)

*Lastly - I am going to restart the process to get lapband, thank to Krystal. And I am terrified.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Yay and Boo.

I cant believe we finally met. We have been talking for over a year. Then 3 months ago, exactly, our friendship turned into something more. During this 3 month period we tortured each other and its slowly progressed. First we only talked on gmail from 2pm(me coming to work)-5pm(him getting off work) Mon-Thurs. Then we occasionally email over night, or on weekends. We text rarely. He's called a few times. Then I started waking up to emails, and I would leave him ones over night. He drove by my house one night. When I was living at the apt he drove by there once too. Now we talk all day, every day. Emailing mostly.


So last night as I was waiting for him to let me know to head over, we were meeting at my gparents house, I had pretty much made up my mind that if he did not show up, or chicken out tonight, that I would not talk to him anymore, or at the very least we would no longer be talking like we are. He finally emails me to head over. The drive over was nerve wracking. Ugh. I never even knew what he looked like.

I park and he parks in front of me. Gets in my car and … FINALLY. He wasn’t hideous. Short, average weight, not fat at all, dorky/nerdy cute, glasses, nice teeth. And I have no idea who he is. Lol He was so worried I would know him and his gf. Dumb. Anyway. He was really nervous, I was too, but not nearly as much. We hung in my car for 35-45 mins. It was nice. He was a little much w/ the agressiveness but I understand his reasons. Dont really like hooking up in a car. Feel too old and too mature for that. lol Then he left. Before I could even get home he emailed me. So I know I will be seeing him again.

~

So I totally seem to have given Russell the wrong idea. He thinks we are for sure going to get back together as long as he just makes some changes. Sigh…now I gotta go and rebreak his heart. Boo.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Holding My Breath

OMG so tonight is (maybe) the night that I will finally get to meet Adam. If he chickens out I am going to lose it. He has a girlfriend, I get it. But people cheat. So either cheat or not, don’t string people along. I know all he has to do is show up, the rest will just fall into place.

I am seeing Burrito on Friday. I may not have ever mentioned him here. He is a very sweet guy, looking for a girlfriend but English isn't his 1st language and we just don’t have anything in common. He pursued me for awhile and I finally gave in. Then after that I told him I wasn’t interested. He would message me every once in awhile. Hoping to have some contact w/ me. He asked to be my FWB and after thinking about it for 2 days I said ok. So there's that.

Besides my boy escapades, there is so much going on in my world. I don’t even know where to begin. My mom left my dad 2 Sundays ago. And now my dad is text me and freaking out all the time. Good times. And my mom is… annoying me bc I think she may have lied to me about something. I'm gonna talk to her about it and see.

My baby brothers court date was set so I need to see about getting time off from work so I can be there. I have to be there. Not an option.

And then the whole thing w/ Russell. I think I am going to have to tell him I don’t think we will ever work it out. I don’t know how I am going to be able to break it to him. Ugh fun times.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Randomness

I need a boyfriend. I have so much going on in my personal life, I need someone who can be there for me while I handle all this. I don’t wanna do it alone.
My mom left my (step)dad on Sunday. My 2 baby bothers in jail awaiting trial. My and my separation. Just a lot going on. Would be nice to have a boy around to help me take my mind off things.
I wonder if me leaving Russell is the reason my mom got the courage to leave my
My mind is kinda all over the place.
I like Michael, but I really really want Adam. I feel like I am getting someone where with him. He really needs to break up w/ his stupid girlfriend.
And now Michael might kinda be getting on my nerves. We dont know each other that well and it seems to be causing issues via texting. Last night I complimented him and we argued about me saying whatever. Now tonight we are going back and forth over something I said. Frustrating.
Anyway...too much randomness in my head to make a semi readable post.
dad? Interesting.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Pros and Cons

First date w/ Michael last night. I would say it was more like a meet in real life to see if we both are still interested. Which we are, yay.

Pros:
  • He is cuter then I expected.
  • He drives a nice truck.
  • He has a good job.
  • No kids.
  • Good conversation.
Cons:
  • He has a gold tooth.
  • He talks a little ghetto.
  • His mom is sick.
  • He works a lot.
This is going to be really interesting trying to figure out how we are gonna continue seeing each other. Our schedules are just all over the place. He works 6 days a week, 3pm-4am. He's off on Sundays. How in the world…sigh… I guess we will figure this out somehow if we wanna make it work.