A Letter

12/12/12

Dear Ryland,

Happy 19th Birthday baby brother!! I cant believe you are 19. Holy crap. Time sure has flown by. You know I was 11 when you were born? We lived in the blue duplex in Dickinson. I was in 6th grade and went to Dunbar. I was really hoping you would be like Ronnie and be born on a school day. But nope momma went into labor early Sunday morning. I was spending the night at gmas. But someone called and woke gma up bc we went over there in the morning instead of church.
Momma is such a weirdo and had you at home naturally like me and Ronnie so I watch you being born. I remember Krystal started feeling woozy so we walked across the street to the coke machine to get her a soda.
When you finally greeted us momma actually said put it back when they said you were a boy. LOL Oops She wanted a girl. We were all surprises as far as our sex. Told you momma was weird. You were gonna be named Rayna Jazmine. But since you were a boy (duh) they named you Ryland Gordon-Lewis McCloud. Your middle name is after mom and dads fathers.
You were a good baby and adorable of course. When you were 9 months old you got really sick and wouldnt eat. Everyone was so worried about "fattening" you up. I remember gma brought over jello, pudding and ice cream. Anything to get you to eat. Whatever happened to you or just genetics you were tiny from then on out. You could fit into you baby clothes until you were almost 5. Weird.
Also around that time was when you started your evilness. Man you were mean and so bad. You would spit your milk on people. Steal things from my room and then when I'd chase you you'd run into your room and throw it. Which numerous times that was fingernail polish and resulted in broken glass and polish all over the walls and carpet.
You were also EXTREMELY insane about your food and clothes....just really anything. Your tantrums where on a whole other level. You would throw your body back slamming your head into anything, walls, concrete, whatever. If you wanted waffles for breakfast and we cut them, or didnt cut them, or put syrup on them, or didnt put syrup, if we accidentally touched them, ugh the list goes on and on.
BUT you were then and still are super sweet. The most lovable and loving little boy. Cuddly and warm. SO affectionate. And you could always make us laugh. Oh man, remember how you used to do your stripper dance. You were obsessed with your body. :) I wont tell all your stories. You'd probably be embarrassed. Sorry. I love you.
You were also the one to nickname me Lala. From the time I was learning to talk and every baby since then has always said Nana (Nah-nah) when trying to say my name. You called me Nana for about 2 weeks then decided yourself to call me Lala. From then on I am Lala. The family still calls me Lala. And I forget that other people, people outside the family done know Lala...
Which is why I have been so sad today...

The last letter you wrote got thrown away...My heart is broken. I know its just one letter but we dont get to share our lives like a normal brother and sister.

This is your 4th bday behind bars. You made some choice real early on that werent the best. No one will understand why you did. But we all hope and pray for you that this was your wake up call. You are serving your time. And when you get out you will still be young. Yes it will be tough but you are made from tough genes. We are not a weak family. Every single one of us will support you and help you 100% as long as you are doing the right thing.

Ryland. You and I have always had a strong bond. You are my mini me...just more extreme. lol I am also very emotional and hard headed. You got my named tattooed on you before momma's. This time about has been so hard on me. But I suck it up. I hold in the tears (mostly) and I go on. I just miss you so much...

Just please please please remember your actions affect everyone who loves you. Dont go back. My heart cant take it.

I love you.
Your Big Sister,
Lala
xoxox

Christmas is Coming

I am getting so excited and antsy about finishing up my Christmas shopping. And I am also doing a "12 Days of Christmas" for Jon. So I have been putting that together too. OMG I love Christmas. Weds when I get paid I'm gonna get the rest of my gifts and all the stuff for wrapping them up. And I need to get some stuff to decorate the tree.

Ugh my abs are killing me, so is my throat. I had my heartburn/reflux throw uppy thing last night. So Jon got to see that for the first time. I was so annoyed. I hate when that happens. If I catch it soon enough its not too bad but it was really bad last night. Its took forever to settle my stomach afterwards. I need to buy some crackers to keep in the room. That was one of the reasons it was so bad. Normally I eat some bland to reduce the acid but there was nada. Man....it was so bad. And Jon was able to fall asleep in the middle of it, once I told him that I'm ok I mean. Thats like the #1 reason I wanna lose weight. Boo.

Hmmm I am wondering how the weight loss thing is gonna go between my schedule changing and us moving. Its really gonna depend on me cooking every night. I'm asking my mom for a crock pot for Christmas so guess we'll be eating a lot out of there, lol. But I dont wanna put off making our "life style" changes till April. I am eager to get this show on the road. I usually start to feel better physically pretty quick, within about 30lbs or so. I start sleeping better, my skin looks better, etc. And I am tired of my ankles swelling up everyday. Thats a new thing that just started about...hmm...4 months ago and I HATE it bc its a daily reminder that "hey you're still fat!!" Thanks ankles/poor circulation, I know! But the point of that was that I hate going upstairs to cook. Makes me feel like I am invading their space.

Ok well my evening is almost over.
<3
Me :)

Sneaky Devils

I dont exactly know the reason but I have been letting little things here and there distract me from my happiness. It clicked to me today and I am not gonna deal w/ that shit. I have a whole lot to be happy about right now. And no one or nothing deserves to take that away from me. I am in love w/ an awesome man, he loves me and I deserve to be 100% happy right now. I am conscious of what I was letting happen and it wont be happening anymore.

I cant get enough of him. He makes me so happy. I love our time together. The giggling over dorky things. Holding hands riding in the truck. So yeah I am not gonna waste my time, our time, I'm not gonna waste one moment on that any more. My focus is back where it should have stay.

I long you top honey bunches of oats ;)

"And he is good, so good..."

Oh Baby, baby fever...

So...moving along after that last overly emotional post. Just gonna say I talked about it w/ Jon and a close friend and you will hopefully not see those post from me anymore.

Tuesday I drove to Clear Lake to see Krystal and lil baby Everett. They got to come home Tuesday afternoon. I dropped off Chance w/ my ex, went and saw my gma for a few, it was her bday, and then went to Krystals for awhile. Everett is a great little baby. He snuggled up w/ me for hours. Literally drooling down my shirt. Such a comfy little bugger. Stayed over there for awhile till we all got sleepy. Came home and realized I had a horrible splinter in my foot. J had fun trying to get that stupid thing out. I was screaming bloody murder. Why do those dumb things have to hurt so bad!!? UGH.

Did a whole bunch of nothing yesterday. My stomach was cramping so I just laid around, sleeping, watching tv. Jon had to go to a class till late. So it was a pretty boring day. Today wasnt that much more exciting. Got Chance back.

Yup. That was about it. lol

Spent some much needed cuddle time w/ J. I miss him when a few days go by and we just kinda see each other in passing. During our cuddle talks tonight I ask him if he felt like we were just like floating thru the days. Like not really living. Waiting so we can our life together. Just going day by day, marking another day off the countdowns. 44 till my schedule changes, which that one will be a big one for us. I cant hardly wait till we can actually spend every night together AND weekends. WHAT!!? Whats that? Will we be able to handle it? lol Of course we will. Then in Feb/March we will be looking and moving into our own place. We have to be out of here by April 2. I'm sure we wont wait THAT long, but we can use that for a countdown. Hold on, lemme count it up...brb...

114 DAYS UNTIL WE WILL DEF 100% BE JUST THE 2 OF US.
Oh boy. I cant freaking wait. Seriously.
Mkay well I had really planned on going to bed early but I freaking fell asleep w/ J when we were cuddling...dang it...

Anyone watching X Factor?

Sorry J this ones gonna upset you

I wanna start off this post w/ saying:

1. I am being irrational.
2. I am very happy.

I'm just having an "off" day. So I need to do some dumping of my emotional baggage.

I'm not sure what is exactly is triggering this "freak out." Well...yes I do. It all stems from something seemingly so innocent. Something I KNOW isnt an issue. I feel like I am not completely satisfying J. He has done nothing to make me feel inadequate and this is where the irrational thing comes in. I dont want to share our personal issues here, but let me use an example from the 50 shades books (sorry it was the first idea that came to mind). In the book, he gets pleasure out of inflicting pain in the bedroom, but she isnt interested in pain. She struggles w/ the future of their relationship bc she feel how can he be happy LONGTERM if she cant give him want he finds pleasurable. So its kinda like that. Its not that tho, lol. (I'm not opposed to pain) Oh :) Theres that.
Then I get scared about our short time together. I feel like normally couples in our "phase" spend so much time together and it helps build their love. You would never doubt each others feelings or anything bc you know. You can see it over and over all day long. But we dont get that. This schedule leaves too much time for someone like me, a worrier. I'm scared that all this time apart from me that he'll change his mind. That he'll decide he doesnt want to be w/ me. That he doesnt want me in his life...That he'll stop loving me...

That is was all just a lie.

I am so scared. Like as I type this I have tears in my eyes. I cant imagine losing him. I mean, I can imagine it and then I get myself all worked up. I guess I was more fucked up from my past then I thought.

But like I said I know better. And 95% of the time I dont let myself do this. Sometimes I...just feel like...

I dont know what I did to deserve him. To be happy...

Carrie Underwood - Mama's Song