Seriously? You have GOT to be kidding me!

Monday, December 3, 2012

Sorry J this ones gonna upset you

I wanna start off this post w/ saying:
  1. I am being irrational.
  2. I am very happy.
I'm just having an "off" day. So I need to do some dumping of my emotional baggage.

I'm not sure what is exactly is triggering this "freak out." Well...yes I do. It all stems from something seemingly so innocent. Something I KNOW isnt an issue. I feel like I am not completely satisfying J. He has done nothing to make me feel inadequate and this is where the irrational thing comes in. I dont want to share our personal issues here, but let me use an example from the 50 shades books (sorry it was the first idea that came to mind). In the book, he gets pleasure out of inflicting pain in the bedroom, but she isnt interested in pain. She struggles w/ the future of their relationship bc she feel how can he be happy LONGTERM if she cant give him want he finds pleasurable. So its kinda like that. Its not that tho, lol. (I'm not opposed to pain) Oh :) Theres that.
Then I get scared about our short time together. I feel like normally couples in our "phase" spend so much time together and it helps build their love. You would never doubt each others feelings or anything bc you know. You can see it over and over all day long. But we dont get that. This schedule leaves too much time for someone like me, a worrier. I'm scared that all this time apart from me that he'll change his mind. That he'll decide he doesnt want to be w/ me. That he doesnt want me in his life...That he'll stop loving me...

That is was all just a lie.

I am so scared. Like as I type this I have tears in my eyes. I cant imagine losing him. I mean, I can imagine it and then I get myself all worked up. I guess I was more fucked up from my past then I thought.

But like I said I know better. And 95% of the time I dont let myself do this. Sometimes I...just feel like...

I dont know what I did to deserve him. To be happy...

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