I have been up all night. I have too much in my head and its getting all jumbled. I'm starting to feel a little...panic-y. I need some seriously intense cuddle/loving. No, not loving loving, like be held and told I'm beautiful and loved. Sexy and smart. When I am going thru stuff personally is when I feel the most needy. Its like I need someone to tell me everything will be ok. And I prefer it to be someone who knows me. Truly knows me. I want someone who wants to spend time w/ me. That cant wait to hear my voice or see me.
I dont feel like I have that right now.
This is so hard to type out...
I am so afraid of being alone. No not alone as in periods of time in between relationships. I am ok w/ that. I love myself and can handle just being me for awhile. But I mean alone forever. Just going from one relationship to the other. Or worse settling bc of that fear. I just want to be loved like how I think I should be. I dont think I am asking for anything over the top or have unrealistic expectations.
I dont want to change who I am either. I am a fat chick. I need for someone to love me like this. This is who I am. I may or may not ever change that. If I do, jackpot, if I dont, thats ok too. But I feel like I am missing out on certain men bc they cant see past the physical. I dont expect everyone to like me, but I feel like for some reason I dont deserve to be w/ someone smart or funny. Like all the fat women always end up w/ the inbreds. lol Thats awful but I'm just saying.
IDK.
Plus I didnt get the house. Boo. I mean I decided not to get it bc the neighbors started telling me all these horrible things about how he never answers his phone. And theres mold in my house, etc. So I chickened out. Now hes not wanting to return the $$. I am all stressed about getting that back too.
Anyway I need to head to bed.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Happy Memorial Day!
Yesterday I spent the day w/ Chris. He came over to my gparents house and we hung out in my room. He snooped thru my laptop. lol He did remove/add some stuff while he was snooping. BUT he saw ALL of my pics. Nosey butt. Oh well. Sigh...
After that we went out to the pool. He doesnt swim and just put his legs in at first, but after I was in for awhile he decided to get in. I helped him w/ some sunscreen and he got in. I had a really good time w/ him in the pool. He was so silly and I helped him w/ paddling and stuff. After we played a little, we sat on the steps and talk. He opened up some more about his past relationships and I told him about Kevin. Pretty much my only relationships in the last 1.5 years.
He started to get a headache so we got out and got dress then headed to Freebirds for lunch. And then went back to his apt. We were both pretty exhausted after spending the day in the pool and being out in the sun. We basically just lounged around watching movies. Until I headed home. Left a little earlier then normal bc I had to be at work early today.
After I get off today at 1:30, I'm gonna head over to the house and unload what I already have in my trunk. Then pick up Ronnie, get my gpa's truck and head to the storage unit. I wanna try and take his toolbox out of the bed so we can have more room and not have to make more then one trip...hopefully.
OMG I am so excited!!
After that we went out to the pool. He doesnt swim and just put his legs in at first, but after I was in for awhile he decided to get in. I helped him w/ some sunscreen and he got in. I had a really good time w/ him in the pool. He was so silly and I helped him w/ paddling and stuff. After we played a little, we sat on the steps and talk. He opened up some more about his past relationships and I told him about Kevin. Pretty much my only relationships in the last 1.5 years.
He started to get a headache so we got out and got dress then headed to Freebirds for lunch. And then went back to his apt. We were both pretty exhausted after spending the day in the pool and being out in the sun. We basically just lounged around watching movies. Until I headed home. Left a little earlier then normal bc I had to be at work early today.
After I get off today at 1:30, I'm gonna head over to the house and unload what I already have in my trunk. Then pick up Ronnie, get my gpa's truck and head to the storage unit. I wanna try and take his toolbox out of the bed so we can have more room and not have to make more then one trip...hopefully.
OMG I am so excited!!
Saturday, May 26, 2012
My House!!
I cant believe I didnt blog about my new place. Umm lets see about 1 week ago I found a small little guest house for rent on craigslist. I sent an email to let Chad the landlord know I was interested. That was Friday or Saturday. I was going crazy waiting to hear from this guy. He finally emailed me Monday w/ his number. I called once in the morning and once in the afternoon and he finally answered. Tuesday I went and looked at it. I was already in love before I even saw it. Once I saw it I was head over heels. Its bigger inside then it looks. Nice size living room, full dining room and kitchen. Good size bedroom and bath. There is a fenced in private backyard w/ a backdoor. And a swing on the front porch. A-dor-able!! I put the deposit down on Thursday and got the key.
Now I am dying. DYING to move in. I want to get my stuff outta storage and start figuring out how I wanna arrange the furniture. I'm ready to decorate and have my puppy back!!! Cable and internet is being installed on Weds. So currently my plan is move in Monday w/ the help of my brother and my gpa's truck (hopefully hes off). Tuesday do some unpacking/arranging. Weds get kitchen/house stuff when my direct dep hits and then be at the house to wait for the cable guy. And Chad said thurday I can officially be moved in. Whoop whop wop!!
I have a long list of stuff I needs since I gave away so much to Russell. Luckily I no longer have to get a TV and entertainment center. Russell had my tv and was using it BUT when I said something he said I could have it. Thank God. Seriously. I need a fridge tho.
*Kelli is alive
*I didnt end up getting sick
Things are going well w/ Chris. We didnt get to see each other this week and that made me have a sad. But I am going to see him tomorrow. My gparents are outta town so we will have some privacy. I was gonna invite him to spend the night tonight but... there isnt a big comfy bed. But my question is, when are we bf/gf. I keep asking people this and getting different answers. If we are both exclusive then....now? Sigh, I hate this part.
Anyway here are a few pics of the house from the ad. Have a good weekend.
Now I am dying. DYING to move in. I want to get my stuff outta storage and start figuring out how I wanna arrange the furniture. I'm ready to decorate and have my puppy back!!! Cable and internet is being installed on Weds. So currently my plan is move in Monday w/ the help of my brother and my gpa's truck (hopefully hes off). Tuesday do some unpacking/arranging. Weds get kitchen/house stuff when my direct dep hits and then be at the house to wait for the cable guy. And Chad said thurday I can officially be moved in. Whoop whop wop!!
I have a long list of stuff I needs since I gave away so much to Russell. Luckily I no longer have to get a TV and entertainment center. Russell had my tv and was using it BUT when I said something he said I could have it. Thank God. Seriously. I need a fridge tho.
*Kelli is alive
*I didnt end up getting sick
Things are going well w/ Chris. We didnt get to see each other this week and that made me have a sad. But I am going to see him tomorrow. My gparents are outta town so we will have some privacy. I was gonna invite him to spend the night tonight but... there isnt a big comfy bed. But my question is, when are we bf/gf. I keep asking people this and getting different answers. If we are both exclusive then....now? Sigh, I hate this part.
Anyway here are a few pics of the house from the ad. Have a good weekend.
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| front |
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| bathroom |
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| bedroom |
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| Kitchen |
Friday, May 18, 2012
Frugal Shopper Here
3rd "date" with Chris. This was much different then the other 2, in my opinion. We seem to have relaxed w/ each other more, we spent a lot of the day together and it was good. He makes me smile and laugh. He tells me I'm beautiful and I dont feel like my weight is something holding him back.
*Kelli is still "missing." No one has heard from her. I am really starting to worry.
*I got a letter from Ryry. I miss him!!
*I was so busy on my days off. But I got my a/c fixed. $319!
*I downloaded some new songs on itunes and just realized I got jipped on a song. Its only like a min long.
Mkay...My gma has been sick the past 2 days. And I have been careful about washing my hands and not putting my fingers in my mouth (I'm a nail biter) so hopefully I'm in the clear.
Ta-ta for now...ewww who says that...
Monday, May 14, 2012
I wanna wake up skinny
I am so disappointed right now. Kelli left rehab either last night or today. Man my family was really praying that this was it. I am not kidding when I say I am done. I've done it before and I will do it again. I will delete her from Facebook, stop responding to text, not answer her phone calls. Its hard. I worry about her. What if one of those text is an emergency?? But I really feel like the whole family needs to step in and say we wont just let you sit here, sick, and be ok w/ it. Get help or get out. I wish everyone could be strong enough to actually do that. That poor baby she has, shes 6(?) months. Ugh!!
I have been feeling very...disconnected again lately. I hate for things in my life to be blah, mundane. I like to feel happy, I want to be IN LOVE... I enjoy feeling giddy and excited. It seems like I had spent too much time putting all this energy into the wrong relationships and now I just want to already be far enough into a relationship to be established.
Speaking of, had a 2nd date w/ Chris. It went well. I like him. I would say the negatives are completely un related to him or us, really. Time, distance and work schedules are major negatives. I would like to see him more then once a week, and get the feeling he would too, but currently it seems we are stuck dealing. We started talking about seeing each other on my off days this week. Didnt agree on anything yet. We cant decide what we wanna do. I am too relaxed. Really I'm good w/ hanging at the house. But I think if it develops into more we'll have plenty of time to do that, we should take advantage of this dating phase now.
I actually have quite a few things I wanna get done this "weekend." I need to pay my car note, get my a/c fixed in my car, my brother wants me to come hang and see his new place, visitation w/ my puppy, see Chris, hang w/ my bff at some point. And I really wanna swim/tan too. Oh and I need new work shoes.
Man, I am so bored...come on, someone needs to text me or something...help keep me awake...
I have been feeling very...disconnected again lately. I hate for things in my life to be blah, mundane. I like to feel happy, I want to be IN LOVE... I enjoy feeling giddy and excited. It seems like I had spent too much time putting all this energy into the wrong relationships and now I just want to already be far enough into a relationship to be established.
Speaking of, had a 2nd date w/ Chris. It went well. I like him. I would say the negatives are completely un related to him or us, really. Time, distance and work schedules are major negatives. I would like to see him more then once a week, and get the feeling he would too, but currently it seems we are stuck dealing. We started talking about seeing each other on my off days this week. Didnt agree on anything yet. We cant decide what we wanna do. I am too relaxed. Really I'm good w/ hanging at the house. But I think if it develops into more we'll have plenty of time to do that, we should take advantage of this dating phase now.
I actually have quite a few things I wanna get done this "weekend." I need to pay my car note, get my a/c fixed in my car, my brother wants me to come hang and see his new place, visitation w/ my puppy, see Chris, hang w/ my bff at some point. And I really wanna swim/tan too. Oh and I need new work shoes.
Man, I am so bored...come on, someone needs to text me or something...help keep me awake...
Sunday, May 6, 2012
I wanna MOVE!
Ok sorry about the picture purging. I have a bad habit of right clicking stuff and never doing anything w/ it. So I had a ton of pics in my folder at work. And I very badly needed to clean it out.
I am currently having an internal conflict. I went and looked at The Bradford apts. The floor plan I want, on the 1st floor, etc. Its available a little sooner then I expected. The 19th. Of course I couldn't actually move till the 22nd. If I moved now things might be a little tight for the first 2-3 months. Maybe...OMG I wanna this apt so bad. AND I want my pupster w/ me. I miss my Chancey-loo.
Last night, while looking for some Tylenol I found a pain pill. Hallelujah! I took that and in about 30 mins I was gooooooood. Killed my pain and knocked me out. I slept great. But I sure was groggy this morning.
And just for Chris I blogged about kittens. This is Roosevelt. He was my napping buddy when I was at Krystal. He is big and fluffy. He has a big cat brother named Roman and a little cat sister named Valentine.
I am currently having an internal conflict. I went and looked at The Bradford apts. The floor plan I want, on the 1st floor, etc. Its available a little sooner then I expected. The 19th. Of course I couldn't actually move till the 22nd. If I moved now things might be a little tight for the first 2-3 months. Maybe...OMG I wanna this apt so bad. AND I want my pupster w/ me. I miss my Chancey-loo.
Last night, while looking for some Tylenol I found a pain pill. Hallelujah! I took that and in about 30 mins I was gooooooood. Killed my pain and knocked me out. I slept great. But I sure was groggy this morning.
And just for Chris I blogged about kittens. This is Roosevelt. He was my napping buddy when I was at Krystal. He is big and fluffy. He has a big cat brother named Roman and a little cat sister named Valentine.
Purging My Pictures Folder/Some Adult Content
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| awww thats cute |
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| the most beautiful church, mine! LCUMC |
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| Cute cake |
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| also made me lol |
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| awwww |
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| If I ever have a baby girl I want these made. |
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| <3 LOVE |
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| pretty for a wallpaper |
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| I agree. |
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| lol |
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| For Krystal |
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| For Krystal |
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| For Krystal |
Other Bedroom Ideas
I love LOVE the lights strung around the headboard.
I did really like this one at first but now idk...seems too over the top.
Friday, May 4, 2012
11 advil in 16 hours is ok?
My stay with Krystal is coming to an end. Whomp whomp. Matt is coming home Sunday or Monday and so I am headed back to my gparents house. Waaaaaah how sadly. I love living w/ my bff. Its so much fun. We do so many activities. lol No not really we just laugh, a lot. Like all the time. Like shoot boogers out, choke on our drink laughter. Sigh...oh well...lol.
I went shopping yesterday for my date w/ Chris. I got a new top, bolero jacket, skirt and panties. I am keeping them all except the skirt. Its super cute and everything but 1 - I dont like that style skirt 2 - the freaking zipper messed up. Already. Oh and the panties weren't really for the date, lol. My older ones were too big, lol. So we met at his apt and when to dinner. Dinner went well. Of course the newness at first was fun, lol. Awkward. But we relaxed pretty quick. After we had dinner we went back to his apt. He lives there w/ his sister, and his mom was there visiting his sister. So I met mom on the 1st date. lol We watched 2 movies and snuggled. It was a nice night. He walked me to my car and yes, we will be seeing each other again. Yay. I'm happy. He is a cutie.
My tooth/temple/jaw area is killing me, too annoyingly painful to use my brain currently. Maybe I will be back...
I went shopping yesterday for my date w/ Chris. I got a new top, bolero jacket, skirt and panties. I am keeping them all except the skirt. Its super cute and everything but 1 - I dont like that style skirt 2 - the freaking zipper messed up. Already. Oh and the panties weren't really for the date, lol. My older ones were too big, lol. So we met at his apt and when to dinner. Dinner went well. Of course the newness at first was fun, lol. Awkward. But we relaxed pretty quick. After we had dinner we went back to his apt. He lives there w/ his sister, and his mom was there visiting his sister. So I met mom on the 1st date. lol We watched 2 movies and snuggled. It was a nice night. He walked me to my car and yes, we will be seeing each other again. Yay. I'm happy. He is a cutie.
My tooth/temple/jaw area is killing me, too annoyingly painful to use my brain currently. Maybe I will be back...
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