I have been up all night. I have too much in my head and its getting all jumbled. I'm starting to feel a little...panic-y. I need some seriously intense cuddle/loving. No, not loving loving, like be held and told I'm beautiful and loved. Sexy and smart. When I am going thru stuff personally is when I feel the most needy. Its like I need someone to tell me everything will be ok. And I prefer it to be someone who knows me. Truly knows me. I want someone who wants to spend time w/ me. That cant wait to hear my voice or see me.
I dont feel like I have that right now.
This is so hard to type out...
I am so afraid of being alone. No not alone as in periods of time in between relationships. I am ok w/ that. I love myself and can handle just being me for awhile. But I mean alone forever. Just going from one relationship to the other. Or worse settling bc of that fear. I just want to be loved like how I think I should be. I dont think I am asking for anything over the top or have unrealistic expectations.
I dont want to change who I am either. I am a fat chick. I need for someone to love me like this. This is who I am. I may or may not ever change that. If I do, jackpot, if I dont, thats ok too. But I feel like I am missing out on certain men bc they cant see past the physical. I dont expect everyone to like me, but I feel like for some reason I dont deserve to be w/ someone smart or funny. Like all the fat women always end up w/ the inbreds. lol Thats awful but I'm just saying.
Plus I didnt get the house. Boo. I mean I decided not to get it bc the neighbors started telling me all these horrible things about how he never answers his phone. And theres mold in my house, etc. So I chickened out. Now hes not wanting to return the $$. I am all stressed about getting that back too.
Anyway I need to head to bed.