Memories

I read a whole lot of blogs. Some personal, some tech, some daily funny junk. One of them is Memoryglands.com. Most the time the stuff on there is things I had, or friends had when I was growing up. But bc of I love the 80's and 90's and other nostalgia based blogs/website I have seen most my childhood favorites.

2 entries in a row spurred excitement from me.

Mr Mouth

Mr Mouth was my favorite game. I remember playing for hours w/ my family. I would love to get a hold of this game again.

2 Ball Screwball

In Jr high and HS, the neighborhood I grew up in was...lower middle class. Working folks. So the kids took care of themselves mostly. Big kids looking out for little kids. The ice cream truck was the best thing for awhile. We also at one point had 3 different trucks, which was cool bc you had your different favs. My bff and I loved the 2 Ball Screw ball. It was in the blue ice cream truck, and I remember teasing the guy we'd flash him. lol

Sleepy phones

I missed both dosages of my pain reliever yesterday and I paid for it by last night/this morning. Some of the worse pain I have felt so far. I feel like such a helpless dud. Getting up and down the couch, walking anywhere, putting my shoes and socks was damn near impossible. :( I hate this. And because of all this pain I am having its really messing up my sleep. I have actually started dozing off while driving. NOT SAFETY 1ST!!! 2 close calls today. 1 w/ the cement divider and then a little later on w/ a car in the right hand lane next to me. Oops. I need to get both the pain and the sleep under control.
So after waiting months and months, to swt phones/upgrade I finally did last night. I swt from tmobile CT Motorola Cliq. (Its still on the original side are And my daddy is <--- ok see I feel asleep while I was typing?? What does this mean??) I am upgrading to the Motorola 4G Proton. Its so pretty.

Ugh I cant wait to get it.

Ok I am falling asleep gotta get up and move around...

I cant text w/ wrist braces on

So...my sleep has been all jacked up again. I am getting pretty darn tired of this. I don't do well w/ sleeping problems. I really hate walking up every hour. Its the worst feeling in the world. Tonight I am going to do like 20 things to help me sleep hopefully. No dinner, just a snack. No computer. Take a bath. Take my new pain relievers. Crank down the ac, get the bedroom nice and cold. Maybe no tv too. Maybe read a book?? Hopefully I will sleep thru the night or at least a few hours straight.

My doctors appt went really well today. She listened to all my concerns, my hands and other joint pains, heartburn/reflux, and restarting the metformin. She rx me some braces for my wrist, which I have to sleep in?? I don't know how this is gonna work. RX for my heartburn, joint pain and she gave me metformin too!! I love my dr bc she could have referred me to specialist for all of those issues. I am so glad she didn't. Saved me a bunch of $$. Then she wanted me to go get lab work and normally that is also a big ordeal too. I am a terrible blood giver. And since I have started telling the techs that they get all big and bad like they have something to prove to me. This one listened, I told her I get close to passing out, so she let me lie down. Then I let her know they always have to use the vein on the outside of my arm. And she did. Smoothest visit ever. Glad that's done. I love her.

I am going to postpone my move to Pipers Cove by one month. 2 main reasons, 1 to help/make sure Russell is out and on his own, so I am going to help him get an efficiency or a small 1 bedroom. Once he's out he can go from there, I cant keep bailing him out. So this is it. Then while I wait to get my $500 dep back from this apt (hopefully, I mean I am sure they will find something to take away some, but no way that apt has $500 worth of damage) I will stay w/ family and pay off some debts. Wahoo. SO that way I can start new and fresh, mostly debt free. How exciting.

PS Kevin messaged me again...I ignored him this time.

Random Sexy Quote

"I like my body when it is with your body. It is such a new thing. Noticing muscles better and nerves more. I like your body. I like what it does, I like how it feels. I like to feel the trembling-firm-smoothness combination of our bodies."

The Pain, The Pain

Lets see about 6 weeks ago I parked my butt in front of my computer and spent pretty much my entire weekend there. If I recall correctly it was the weekend Kevin "died." The internet was my only escape bc I could control the content. Anyways after sitting in that chair at that desk my knees hurt OMG SO BAD. I kinda dealt w/ it for a week or so. Then I busted out the heating pad and within 24 hrs I felt better. Well fast forward about 2 weeks later and I started having severe joint pain in my fingers, wrist, elbows, under part of my shoulders, knees and ankles. The worst of it being in my fingers and knees. I cant stand up if I have been sitting for any length of time, w/o stretching my legs first. My hands hurts to make a fist. So I am finally giving in and going to the doctor tomorrow. I just cant deal w/ the pain any longer.
I worry about the dr just saying lose weight, NEXT!! Its not weight related. This came on suddenly, and how would my weight affect my fingers/wrist? But I am probably over reacting, my dr is pretty awesome. This will test just how awesome she is.

Chaz, my adopted brother, came home Thursday. His charges were dropped and the case was dismissed. I dont know how I feel about this. I am happy hes home. And actually I can say that and mean it since I saw the pic w/ him and my parents made me wish I was able to go to the welcome home party. But I miss Ryland so much. I wish Ryland could have come home too :(

Any emotion, if it is sincere, is involuntary. ~Mark Twain

Wednesday night I hung out w/ my old work BFF Joey and then her new love Shawn came over and we all played Disney Monopoly w/ Joey's daughter Daisy. While it was just me and Joey, we caught up. She asked how I managed to get over the death of Kevin (heh, funny story -_-), we talked about my family. Then we swt to her. She told me the saddest story ever about how she had been fooled into falling in love with the wrong man, how that subsequently led to some other events in her life.
I was so used to men lying, saying its forever, making plans for the future and promises of whats to come. I think people get too caught up in that, and forget to build a relationship for there to even be in the future. Don't promise me forever, but its more then that, don't make promises that you cant yet keep. Remind me daily why you love me. Find time to show me that I am important to him. Whether its something grand like flowers on Valentines day or something small like sweet text while I'm sleeping.

Every relationship, whether committed or not, has the potential to go 2 ways, together or not together. That's it. I suggest in your current one, old or new, fast or slow, committed or casual, that you stop trying to define every single moment and force it into societies cookie cutter molds. Enjoy each other. Learn about them. Laugh with them. Love together. And if its meant to be, it will be.


*Kevin messaged me today. Blah*

I love looking at houses/apts/floorplans

I hate this time of night. I always get sleepy but I still have 2.5 hrs left of work. I am sitting at my desk nodding off. Ugh, lol. So frustrating. But by the time I get home I will be wide awake.

Tomorrow is Valentines Day. Wish I was able to spend it w/ my love.

None of that previous paragraph matters bc this weekend (hopefully) I will be putting down a dep on the apt in Pipers Cove. Krystal lives in 1204 and 1206 is open so I am gonna try for that one. We'll be neighbors, eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! It will almost be as exciting as when we lived together. Maybe even more so bc we wont actually have to live together. Oh eM Geeeeeee I love my bff so much. I have decided on a 2 bedroom w/ a roommate. Weird I know, but the 1 bedroom floor plans suck, and actually all the floor plans there suck. When I go in to put my dep I will see whats available again and if think about it really quick again. I think a roommate situation would be weird but...we'll see.

Hmmm ok I think thats about it. Its my Friday so you might not hear from me again for a couple of day.

Feb Fam Functions

This photo slideshow personalized with Smilebox

Time Heals

My new schedule started last Sunday and this was the first time I have ever worked Fri/Sat for this dept. It wasnt too bad. Actually it wasnt much different then the other days I work. Since I am there later I have more time to get bored and figure out stuff to keep me awake. I need a kindle or something. I had that nook but I "pawned" it and didnt get it out in time. Damn it. I hate that. I def liked having 3 days off in a row.
Like I said earlier it was my moms bday and party at my gma's house. I was able to get off and was glad to spend time w/ my family. My family joked a lot about the Kevin thing and while I do find it funny and can laugh about it, it does kinda start to hurt after awhile. I mean, I loved him. I trusted him w/ my heart. So I eventually had to say something to the effect of "this is funny and I can laugh but ouch it still kinda hurts."

Its hard not to take that situation and feel like its my fault it happened. I made him to that. I dont deserve him or anyone or to be happy. Rationally I know, I know, its not my fault...I wish I could have had the strength to end it before it ended w/ me hurt. I dont wanna be a broken woman who is bitter, angry and been hurt so many times that she isnt capable of love.

Love Is...

I love these little comics. You can always find just the right one to speak to you.

The Poet

Tell her that if I could,
I’d hold her,
I’d kiss away her tears,
I’d let her lean onto my chest,
I’d hold her close and listen to her breathe.
Tell her that I’m sorry.
Tell her that no matter what I say or do that I can’t fix whats broken,
and that’s what we are.
We are broken.
Make sure she know’s that it was worth it. That the agonizing love and hatred were worth every second.
Be sure that she knows that I wish for nothing more than to see her smile, and hear her laugh, once more.
Tell her that I loved her.
No, tell her that I love her.


Tell her I said goodbye.

What A Disaster

I went out last night w/ a friend to watch the UFC fight and smoke. Well while I was over there, my dad called and said my moms boyfriend texted him, from my moms phone and said for my dad to come get his wife. I told my dad to just hold on and I'll call my mom. Called. No answer. Called the BF. No answer. Text. Call. Left messages. Nada. At the same time my dad is calling me. Texting me. My brother is now calling. Texting me. I am the only one who knows where she lives. I am conflicted bc my dad is kind of crazy when it comes to my mom. And he had been hounding me. I didnt know what to do. So finally I give in, gave the address to my dad and brother. Apparently once there, my mom and Pedro call the cops, they pretend to leave and then when the cops leave they go back. My mom calls me. But I ignore the call. Then my brother text me, to apologize for my dad telling my mom that I gave the address. So I call him and hes like momma is mad and I can hear my dad in the background and we get in a yelling match. I was asking him to please stop putting me in the middle. I asked him to please not call me anymore w/ these things. I hate being in the middle. Hes get mad and starts cussing me out. And I dont take shit from him so I start yelling and cursing back at him. He says Fuck You. So FUCK YOU BACK. And I hang up.
I immediately call my mom and she says why did you tell them? And I start to get emotional and I'm so rambling about not wanting to be in the middle. And eveyone just needs to let me live my life and stay out of my life bc I dont need any extra drama/bullshit, especially from my PARENTS! I say something about her bf being childish by texting my dad when he and my mom are fighting...It was the first time I have EVER cussed at or even around my mom. And then I hung up on her.
I dropped the phone and sobbed. Not cried. Sobbed. Like hysterically. Tears pouring from my eyes. The only thing I have ever been able to count on in my life is my family. And now it is shattering to a million pieces. I have nothing but shit in my life. I cant find a decent man, that I want to be w/ who wants me, makes me feel sexy, beautiful and loved. That thinks I am awesome. The whole Kevin thing is still fresh. I feel broken from that. My schedule at work suck, dont have time to spend w/ my family/go to family functions. I'm still fat. And probably always will be. I'm almost 30 and dont have a kid, etc. Ryland and his whole situation...

Both my mom and dad sent me a text shortly after to apologize for me being in the middle and having to deal w/ that. I dont know what I am going to do. One of the reasons I wanted the Kevin thing to work out was bc of all this...he was going to be my prince charming. He was supposed to save me...I need someone who can be here when I cry. To wipe my tears away, hold me tightly and kiss my forehead, and tell me that everything is going to be ok. It was supposed to be him...

:(

The Ryland Story

This is the whole story of Ryland and his case, from the best of my memory.

On Halloween 2009, Ryland (15), my adopted brother Chaz(15) and 2 other males(1 minor and 1 adult) allegedly robbed a smoke shop by gun point at closing time. The owner was shot in the stomach when defending himself and his store. In Nov 2009, I received a phone call from my mom, while I was at work, that the FPD was looking for my brother and Chaz for multiple armed robberies. The police came and got Chaz from my parents house sometime after that. And then a few days later, a Saturday, they came and got Ryland.

Apparently there was 2 identified robbers, and 2 unidentified. Both Chaz and the other minor were identified, the adult and Ryland were unidentified, the adult was later identified. Because of his prior history and affiliations w/ the 3 identified Ryland was then labeled the 4th unidentified robber who also so happened to be the shooter. The victim couldnt identify Ryland, he wasnt ever on camera, the weapon was never recovered. But yet he was in jail.

He started off in juvie, where it was the easiest to see him. Visitation hours were convenient. I could come twice a week. Parking was easier/better. It was never crowded. We have contact visits and you can buy snacks to bring in the little room. He was there from Nov-Dec. until he was certified as an adult. Dec he turned 16, in Jail.

In Dec 2009 he was certified as an adult. This never has anything to do with the minor, their history, etc, its just based on the crime they are being charged with. Which is Aggravated Robbery. So once he was certified he was transferred to the adult county jail. Visitation there was awful I hated going and honestly I avoided it as much as possible (which makes me feel terrible). It was so hard in many different ways. Parking is terrible. Hours are awful. Very overcrowded w/ less then desirable people. We have to see him behind glass in a room full of people. The speakers in the glass dont work so everyone is yelling. And since he is still a minor he has to be protected so it takes him forever to be called down bc he has to be escorted. And hes in hand cuffs. I saw him once there before my mom was able to bond him out. Which was right before Christmas. Best C-mas present ever.

In January 2010 he goes to court and fails his drug test. So he goes back. At first he went back to juvie, so I visited him there a few times. But he eventually gets transferred back to county. His bond gets reset and he gets back out. He has a GPS ankle monitor and cant leave the house. House arrest. can only leave for school. The GPS monitor is supposed to be better then a regular one. Its more precise. The guy who runs it says he can tell if Ryry is in the kitchen or his bedroom. In May 2010 my parents ask for him to be able to go to church and the gym. He is give M/W/F 2 hours at the YMCA and Sundays he can go to church from 9am-12:30pm.

In August 2010 a car is pulled over leaving my parents neighborhood. The driver and passenger are visible shaken up and when questioned told they cops they were just robbed at gun point of their drugs (WTF?) and that my brother and Chaz had done it. At this time Chaz has to take sleeping pills to sleep bc of his ADD meds. So my mother gave him a pill and saw his asleep in his room around 11. And Rylands ankle monitor was shown as charging between 11pm and 2am when this robbery happened. The "victims" said it took place in the driveway at my parents and its was around 11:45pm. So even tho the GPS guy said he can see Ryry he then retracted and said it wasnt that accurate, and of course my parents word about Chaz isnt good enough. So back to jail they go.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Nothing really happened between then and now. They offered him deals and he would reject them. And his bond was never reset again. He kept asking for 5 yrs. He'd sign for 5. His lawyer said no way that will happen. This week the DA offered 8 years for the 1st charge, drop the 2nd charge, 22 months of time already serve to apply, eligible for parole in 2 years 2 months. And he took the deal. He wanted to go to trial but we were scared. He said he took the deal bc he felt like no one was supporting his decision to go to trial. Ugh...dont put that on us. I didnt feel comfortable giving him an opinion. If I said trial and he got the max, I would be wracked w/ guilt.

So hes 18 now and if everything goes right he'll get out when he is 20. I really hope this is a wake up call for him and he straightens out once he's out. I dont wanna go back and forth w/ this my whole life.