MIA

Sorry for being gone for a few days.
After my last post I went to the dr that next morning and she said she didnt think it was strep. I didnt have a fever. She said she thinks its mono. I was kinda thinking that in the back of my mind. And I also have an ear infection. So antibiotics, some pain meds, and OTC sinus meds to help drain my tubes.
As expected I have gained 2lbs since my last weigh in. Boo. I did talk to her about my WLS thingy and she agreed. She was impressed w/ the amount of info I already had and said she agreed about the sleeve. She told me to keep her in the loop w/ insurance clearance etc.
Anyway she put me on voice rest and since my job is my voice I got an unexpected 4 day weekend. So I ended up being able to lay around in my pjs, nap and snack. Very happy. Its nice sometimes to take a break from the world.

Tonight is my last night w/ my roomies. I came back to pack up all my stuff, which isnt too much. I have 2 suitcases, 2 laundry baskets, 1 box, my lingerie bag, a CVS tote and then my bed, and laptop/laptop table. Didnt take me too long. Packed up all my shower stuff tho, oops. Cause I'll take one after the move. I'm sure I'll need it. The girls have been trying to convince me to stay by offering me all kinds of tempting offers. They cleaned out the room across from mine which has a walk in closet and is about 2 times the size. Its also cooler room temp wise, has an awesome window seat and recessed lighting. They even offered to lower the rent to $400. But I turned it all down. Many many reasons, but I am doing the right thing even tho $200 less a month is very tempting.

Puss Pockets are Sexy :)

Last night was awful. After I got home I felt like death. Just completely drained and no will to live. lol So I packed up some stuff and went to my apt to let Russ baby me. I get off at 10:30, get home around 11:10, I ate dinner, packed up and drove over there. By 1am I was in bed. I slept till 11am. It was glorious. But I would be happier if I could stay home in my jammies and eat soft foods and sip on cold or hot drinks. I went ahead and made an appt to see my dr tomorrow morning. I'm nervous. I havent seen her since earlier this year and I am a bad patient. I am also nervous about getting on that scale. But it will be good to be for sure what my number is. I am hoping I can convince here to give me a shot instead of a round of antibiotics bc A: I am terrible about remembering to take them and B: they give me yeast infections sometimes. Too effective, kill all the bacteria!!! No no, some we need, stupid strong pills. Calm down.
One of the things I do when I am really sick is actually funny. When I am sleeping I make funny noises and talk a WHOLE lot. If I have a fever its even worse. I dont have to be asleep, just sitting there watching tv and I'll like make this grunt sound. The sleep talking is worse w/ a fever too. Its one of those things outside of it I think its pretty funny, during the moment, I'm sick and probably grumpy and always super emotional, I'll cry bc you are picking on me by laughing. Luckily I havent had a fever yet this go round.

Only 11 more days till the WLS seminar.
Oh and looks like Russ and I are switching places this weekend. Wahoo. I am so freaking excited.

TMI Sorta Kinda Yeah

OMG I can hardly keep my eyes open. How am I supposed to make it 4.5 more hrs. So Sleepy. I have already had a cup of coffee. Gonna have to go for a 2nd one. My throat is still killing me. And I made an unwise choice and went and saw Matthew this morning.
So I got up too early when I really need to be getting my rest. To go see a boy who doesnt really deserve me bc he only sees me as a booty call (but I am ok w/ that for now.) So I'm sick and I let him know when I got there. Like I thought he wont kiss me. I understand. lol But then right in the middle of the action my stupid body that hates me decides then is the right time to start spotting.
Sigh... so he stops and that ruins everything. lol I cant help him out bc I have strep and my throat is all swollen and gross. Good times :(
Whats frustrating is I dont have a period bc of my weight. So once the spotting starts its possible that it wont stop for a very very long time. Everytime I become aroused I could potentially start spotting again. Its not heavy like a cycle and if I was in a committed relationship it probably wouldnt be so embarrassing. But being single it makes me feel like I dont know my body. He kept calling me a tease. Said I knew this was gonna happen but came over anyway just to torture him. Yeah. Ok. *eyeroll

I am moving back into my apt by next weekend. Wahoo. Russell couldnt afford it anymore and I needed to take it back before he was in this huge hole and I would have to dig myself out of it. I am excited to be on my own for real this time. And to be back to my pup Chance and my kitty Max. I cant wait. OMG! Seriously.

Ouch...

My stupid throat is being stupid. Ugh. Its been kinda irritated for the past few weeks but people were saying it was bc of the wildfires. "They" said it was stirring allergies. Mkay yeah well now its almost swollen shut and covered in puss pockets. MMmmm yeah strep, yay!

Friday night was ladies night and my mom, 2 aunts, 4 cousins and I went to dinner at this new place called Chuys. Its a Mexican restaurant. It was ok. I had the classic texmex enchiladas...not too impressed. Then we went to see the Sara Jessica Parker movie I Don't Know How She Does It. I was impressed. I ended up really liking it. I wasn't interested in see it at all, only went for ladies night w/ the fam and the movie was good. I'm glad.

Saturday my roomies had a garage sale and originally I wasn't involved bc I wasn't getting any $$ from this and its not my crap, but they were so overwhelmed they came and woke me up. It was more of an estate sale vs a garage sale, so there were people all over the house which was nerve wracking. They kept going in my room asking how much was my laptop or whatever. lol

Saturday night I was supposed to meet Javi. This guy and I have been talking for over 2 weeks now and we still havent meet. I dont understand why guys are like this. Especially this guy. He acts like he wants to be my BF, calls me lover and shit. I keep meeting these guys who either wanna meet right away to fuck w/ no strings. Or these guys who act like they want a relationship but are too chicken to meet and date. SO so so so annoying.

All I want it a normal guy who is looking for a normal relationship in person to progress at a normal speed.

No Band, No Pouch.

So I got my little info packet in the mail about WLS. It went thru the 3 types, bypass, banding and sleeve. I had never heard of sleeve until just recently but I really wanna learn more about this option. I wonder if it would be a good fit for me. Here is my pro/con list:

LapBand Cons/Concerns

• Stuck foods
• Foreign object in body
• Band slippage
• Fill/Unfill issues
• Problems w/ not being able to vomiting bc of stomach flu/food poisoning
• Cancer at band site

LabBand Pros

• Reversible
• Nutritional Absorption
• ...?

Bypass Cons

• Permanent change to the function of your stomach and intestines
• Dumping - no not what you think
• All that rerouting of your insides
• Malnutrition/Nutrient absorption issues
• Meh... a lot

Bypass Pros

• Vomiting is "easier"
• No band/stuck issues
• ...?

Sleeve Cons

• Staple leakage
• some other stuff

Sleeve Pros

• Everything that was a con else where doesnt have w/ the sleeve.

Lol ok not really but I got tired of my bullet points about half way in. Could you tell? But seriously I feel like the band isnt really right for me and the bypass seems to have a lot of negatives as well, and the sleeves seems to merge the 2. I know it has its own set of complications just like the other 2 but I am leaning towards the sleeve. I think I will speak w/ my surgeon when the time comes and see what he suggest.
OMG I am excited.

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me - Philippians 4:13

Even tho there was a whole lotta bullshit going on bc of my dads craziness (and the apparent goings on of my mother) we were a very close loving family. My family and extended family as well has always been unusual when I compare them to other peoples families. We all live in the same area and we LOVE getting together. We are all christian and I would say are very strong in our faith. I have always felt like bc we are so faithful is the reason we are blessed w/ such a loving family. We have my grandparents who would give anything for one of us in need. I have 3 sets of aunts and uncles plus their kids. All of my cousins have grown up together. We get together frequently and mostly enjoy each other company. My most awesome bff and the lone subscriber over there <-------- is also my cousin.
At home, my brothers, mother and I, were all very loving and so was my dad. Ryland and I are super close. We are so much alike so we clicked. He and I have a special bond and he loves me so much. Its really hard that he is so far away for so long. I cant wait till he comes homes. But thats not my point. Every family has there secrets. No matter how perfect it seems from far away. Deep down there are things going on in there that no one knows about. Addiction. Abuse. Adultery. Money problems.
None of those things should take away the love. I worry about how my family will come out of all this. But I have faith that God will see us thru. I have had some bad days since the start of this. And I get mad. I cry. I question what it was all for then. Why did we even bother to BE a family? Wouldnt it have been easier if we all just got along but didnt build such a strong family core. That way when it broke we could just walk away like it never even mattered. Out of all of this I have never once questioned my faith. And thats how I know I will be ok. God has a plan. It will all work out in His time. It sucks so bad right now but I know the suffering is not what God wanted. We are given free will and we make worldly mistakes that may take us off the path God has intended for us. And that sometimes takes us thru hard times.

But Dear Baby Jesus (my God has a sense of humor) please please please can You comfort my broken heart and those members in my family who are also going thru heartache. Amen

And I know this as my truth. Doesnt have to be yours :)

The One About My Family

I have mentioned it briefly about my mom leaving my (step)dad. That is a whole long story that I wasn't really ready to get into. But I feel like it will help me cope if I vent alittle and in an effort to be a good blogger I need to get my reader(s) up to speed.

My mom was a teen mom, my parents were never married. My "real" dad was not a major role then (or ever). My mom and stepdad began dating when I was 2 or 3. They married when I was 5 and he has always been my dad. I didn't like him tho. He was mean. And really strict. Like way too strict for a 5 yr old. And they would fight a lot. I don't remember them actually getting physical but apparently it did happen. I would pray for my mom to leave him or him to leave and not come back. The fighting continued for years and years. When I was 8 they had my brother, Ronnie. And then when I was 11 they had Ryland.

When I was 12 my mom went back to school and 2 years later they both worked 2nd jobs so I took care of my brothers. I still hate my dad and they still fight a lot. But its not physical anymore. All I do it go to school and when I come home, I get my brothers from the bus, do my chores, take them outside, cook dinner, help them w/ their homework, bathe them, and put them and myself to bed. I do that for a year or 2 and I start getting into trouble so my dad quits his night job and stays home in the evenings now.

We continue to butt heads and he and I start getting into physical fights. My mom hates it. She feels bad I have to do so much around the house and how strict he is on me' but nothing changes. I hardly see my mom at all from 8th grade thru HS, or it felt that way at least. My brothers are my babies!

My dads mom and dad die and all of a sudden he stops being so strict. He lets me smoke and drink at the house. We start getting along more. He apologized for being an asshole when I was younger. I still have chores and have to take care of a lot of the house since my mom is gone a lot but everything is good, sorta. I turn 18 and move out.

My dad is a very angry man and can get really mad really fast. He is a functioning alcoholic and drug user(these are my opinions, never admitted by him) so he has fits of rage over the stupids crap. My mom has graduated and has a good job. Things look like they are going well. My parents have their annoying moments. They are always the ones who bicker at family functions, my dad will pout or leave, after cussing my mother out in front of everyone. My mom isn't happy but... she not going anywhere.

My baby brother, Ryland goes to jail (more on that some other time) and that obviously puts a strain on my family, but even more so my mom and dad. My mom doesn't/hasn't dealt with it at all. Its been 2 yrs and she is still keeping everything bottled up. My dad is very emotional and has gotten into fights w/ my mom over what caused my brother to go down the wrong path. He's really controlling over my mom and snoops thru her things. She hates it.

Fast forward to 3-4 weeks ago, I am talking w/ my mom and she tells me she has tried to leave him so many times but when he gets mean and she was scared. BUT she finally did it she left, yay! Good for her....except now hes airing out their marital issues and being ugly. I have found out about stuff I really didn't wanna know. And Ronnie has really been having a tough time w/ her behavior vs how she raised us. Ryland doesn't know bc we cant decided if he should know or not. I have my mom keeping me out of it bc she feels that since we are grown its not really our business, my dad calling to cry to me and insult my mother, and my brother judging my mom for things that are very hard to know about ones own mother but don't change the fact that she is an awesome mom.

Point of the story, my mom should have left my dad when we were kids instead of staying together for the kids, bc your parents divorcing as an adult SUCKS! I feel like my whole life is being dumped upside down. Its hard enough having my brother, my sweet baby brother gone for 2 years(so far) and my own divorce. Now I feel like I don't have anything left. The strong loving family that we were (really we were, lol) is gone. Gone. I feel alone and empty. And it is awful.

Nothing will ever be the same.

Now or Never!!

So... I made the decision to go forward w/ trying to get lapband. I am so majorly excited but I am trying not to get my hopes up, in case my insurance doesn't cover it for some reason. I don't know why it wouldn't. I mean I work for a group of clinics of over 23+ locations in a major city, one of the most obese places in the USA. Seems like they of all people would cover weight loss surgery (from here on referred to WLS). We will see.
I have battled the decision to have WLS since 2006 when I found out the comp's insurance I worked for at the time covered it. My family has really pushed and pushed, friends have tried also. But really, no one could ever convince me to do this. And no one should have. Its something I needed to be ready for. To do it for me. So after researching it and then putting it on the back burner and doing that for 5 years I am finally ready. I cant even imagine how it will change my life. I have been overweight my entire life. And the lbs just keep coming. This is me taking over my life. And what a better time then now to do it.

Bullet Point Posting

*I am easing my way in to re telling Russell that I am done. And its for sure what I want. Ugh. No fun. So far I have tried but everytime his say "is that what you want?" I just cant say yes. Blast.

*A guy who totally ditched me in the worst way possible, which I thought I blogged about but I cant find it, responded to my happy bday text. I saved his # bc I really liked him. And occasionally I would text him and tell him he sucked. lol Well I remembered his bday was 9/11 bc what a terrible day to have a bday and so I texted him. He responded and we started talking again. He asked to see me and I was reluctant for obvious reasons. I told him no, but then he said I could come over to him, so I agreed. We had a good time, and afterwards I asked if I'd see him again or if this was gonna be like last time. He said I'd see him again, hmph. We will see. He did text me this morning and has been all day. Oh and I was able to verify he is not married. He lives at his moms w/ his son.

*I am thinking of moving to an apt complex behind my work. Its cheap and I can save some money and time commuting everyday. I know I will be even further from family but I work 5 days a week, I see family/friends only once a week or less. Yes Krystal you will come see me more then once :)

*Lastly - I am going to restart the process to get lapband, thank to Krystal. And I am terrified.

OMG. I need a BOYFRIEND!!!
Ugh...
That is all.

Yay and Boo.

I cant believe we finally met. We have been talking for over a year. Then 3 months ago, exactly, our friendship turned into something more. During this 3 month period we tortured each other and its slowly progressed. First we only talked on gmail from 2pm(me coming to work)-5pm(him getting off work) Mon-Thurs. Then we occasionally email over night, or on weekends. We text rarely. He's called a few times. Then I started waking up to emails, and I would leave him ones over night. He drove by my house one night. When I was living at the apt he drove by there once too. Now we talk all day, every day. Emailing mostly.


So last night as I was waiting for him to let me know to head over, we were meeting at my gparents house, I had pretty much made up my mind that if he did not show up, or chicken out tonight, that I would not talk to him anymore, or at the very least we would no longer be talking like we are. He finally emails me to head over. The drive over was nerve wracking. Ugh. I never even knew what he looked like.

I park and he parks in front of me. Gets in my car and … FINALLY. He wasn’t hideous. Short, average weight, not fat at all, dorky/nerdy cute, glasses, nice teeth. And I have no idea who he is. Lol He was so worried I would know him and his gf. Dumb. Anyway. He was really nervous, I was too, but not nearly as much. We hung in my car for 35-45 mins. It was nice. He was a little much w/ the agressiveness but I understand his reasons. Dont really like hooking up in a car. Feel too old and too mature for that. lol Then he left. Before I could even get home he emailed me. So I know I will be seeing him again.

~

So I totally seem to have given Russell the wrong idea. He thinks we are for sure going to get back together as long as he just makes some changes. Sigh…now I gotta go and rebreak his heart. Boo.