I Got Called Out

One day last week, Russell came over and as we were talking I was saying how I am a different person then I was when we separated. He started talking about how when we were dating, then a few years into our marriage, one of the things he loved about me was my love for my church and faith in God. He said he was sad to see that I wasnt going anymore. He mentioned how happy I would be and how important it was to me to go every week.

This convo had been on my mind since then.

He was right. I was happier in church. My grandparents and mom go so its a chance to see them. I was baptised, confirmed (and married) in this church. I feel home there and when I leave I have been recharged for the week.

But I stopped going. And the longer you are away the harder it is to go back. You find so many excuses to not go. I used to find reasons TO go. But now I work on Sundays. Oh I know that I dont have to be there till 2 but I need my sleep. Everyone takes a break from church in their 20's. I can go next Sunday. I want to go every Sunday when I have my own family.

Then of course the unspoken reasons. I'm embarrassed to go to church. I left my husband. God (and the church, the people) doesnt approve of divorce. I should have made it work. I should have tried harder. Plus look what I'm doing now. I cant go to church knowing the choices I make everyday are so wrong. How can I sit in this building and say I want God to be in my heart, my soul and my life when I am not deserving.

Lets not forget the other side. I'm angry. Pissed off at how my life has played out w/ my family. Why would God let me and my faithful family suffer? Havent we been thru enough?! We have gone to church, praised His name, prayed, sung, volunteered, read the Bible, spread His word (sometimes)...etc. Why does it seem those who believe and try are punished?! The struggle in our family is constant. One thing after another. Where is the Blessing? We tithe. We were there.

You know what, none of that matters. God loves me despite all of that. Hes with me whether I go to church or not, so its not like any of that matters. If he wanted to control our lifes and make us perfect we wouldnt have free will. But we do. We fail. We sin. We ALL fall short of the glory of God. Jesus is our Savior and His life was given to spare me and my sinful ways.

So guess what I did.
I got up today and went to church.
And now I feel great.

I understand there are a lot of people, even some reading this, that dont believe in any of this. And thats ok. Its not my place to change your mind. Contrary to the media there are some of us who are ok with that. I believe in God, the devil and Jesus, heaven and hell. I believe that church is important to ME bc you are surrounded by like minded people where you are free to question and grow in your own faith. I dont blindly follow. I have my own faith. And I live my life as a Christian, which doesnt mean perfect.

I am so glad I went. I feel good and I cant wait till next Sunday.
I'm even planning on going to the Divorce Care group they have starting on Weds night.

Ok I've rambled enough...hope everyone has a good Labor Day!! :)