Whats wrong with me?

I dont understand whats happening?
I am completely terrified over something bad happening w/ me and Kevin. This feeling of intensity is turning into anxiety. Which is eventually gonna give me an ulcer.
It probably has something to do w/ having ZERO control over the situation. Since he has no phone and we only communicate via yahoo IM or gmail chat (very rarely his office phone) I cant just call or text and have him respond. You dont realize how comforting that is until you dont have it.
I'm gonna have to pray for peace and comfort for myself. lol
Ugh...

ETA: I know I sound crazy. I'm venting my "crazy" out and keeping it away from actual people bc I realize how I sound. lol

Such a Worrywart

Sorry for being MIA for almost a week. Theres a lot going on both in life and in my head and I havent been able to process it all.

First off BOA repo-ed my car. I am super annoyed about it bc I honestly didnt know I was far enough behind for it to be repo-ed. I mean I knew I was behind, but... yeah. That happened over night Friday. So I have been vehicle-less for a few days. I am getting it back just trying to get a total from BOA. Even tho they took the car Fri/Sat it still has yet to be processed. Bc of this I am on an impromptu vacation. Yay.

Saturday night Kevin asked if I would be interested in moving in w/ him and his son when they move down here. That wont be till after the first of the year, so we still have time to get to know each other. He said he is ready for me to meet his son. Wow... yeah ok. Sunday he told me if he gets this job (that hes in Dallas for the 2nd interview) then when I move in I wont have to work. Wow again. I understand his reasons, he even said when he asked me to move in, that he just wants to be with me all the time. So if I kept this current job I wouldnt be home when he was, or have the same days off. But I dont think I wanna not work at all. IDK. I'll have to see how the next few months go.

I went and saw Kevin at his job Monday night and hes just so awesome. He pushes me outta my comfort zone in a good way. Makes me not be to uptight and rigid. He has an office thats kinda out of the way and a door that locks. So we had alittle fun, which was so not like me at all. I am not an outside of the box kinda girl. His office is also just a hallway away from the lake. We sat out there for awhile and talked more. It was really nice out there.

OK so thats all the actual stuff. But internally I am fighting myself. I hate the fight. I am so afraid of rejection. And the unknown. All my head does all day is worry. I'm gonna have an ulcer by the time we move in together. Its all unfounded. I know this. So at the same time I am worrying I am also trying to tell myself to calm down, shut up and everything is fine. I am such an uptight person. I wind myself up tighter and tighter. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaah!!! I am annoying myself.

I love Kevin.
Kevin loves me.
Everything is good.
(repeat until Jan)

Introducing...

Kevin and Rhianna

Yep. I never had a doubts on my feelings for this man. Almost from the moment he responded to my ad, I have felt deeply connected to him. No reason for this. And its not normal. I dont typically fall so quickly. There have been others tho. Not gonna lie. Mostly those were physical tho, ie Fat Mike, Philip. I had this connection w/ Kevin before it was even possible to have a physical connection, obviously.

Last night was finally the night. Our schedules parted and a magical rainbow window appeared for us. lol He had to work late Tues night, till 10pm and had to be back at 7am. Since he lives over an hour from his job, driving back and forth would have been dumb. On nights like that his boss will pays for a room. So he got a room at Super 8. After I got off work I met him there. I was so nervous for 2 reasons, safety first. Uh hello I was meeting him at a hotel. A strange man. lol. But I have a system and I always try to be as safe as possible. Reason 2, we were finally meeting.
Once I got there I was stupid nervous, saying dumb stuff I'm sure. Just talk, talk, talk, talk. It helps calm my nerves. If you asked me what I talked about. I had no idea, I think I told him why I decided not to eat Ramen Noodles right before I come over?? Ugh I dont know... once I shut up and let him know I was calming down, he leaned over and kissed me.
Phew, thats what I needed.
Pretty much the rest of the night went well. He doesnt normally stay up real late so he started to crash about an hr after I got there. We were just laying in the bed chatting and I would look up and he'd be sleeping. lol Poor little sleepy head. So I went ahead and let him sleep. I turn out the lights and watched tv until I fell asleep too.
He didnt try to rush anything, but we still had a great night. *cough*notsayingwewastedahoteltroom*cough* His alarm was set for 6 but he over slept, we woke up at 7. Oops, so he got dresses and flew out the door. I stayed till check out and then on my way home he texted to see if I wanted to meet him for lunch. So I went home, changed and then picked him up. He works at the Hilton right on the lake so we just went back there and sat out by the water.
We talked and he told me how happy he was that I was still interested after meeting him. lol That was the same thing I was worried about. We talked about how crazy it is that we just found each other. How does that happen!!? Seriously, so weird. Then we decided to make it official.

I am now in a relationship. OMG! I heart my bf! Kevin and Rhianna forever!! lol

Thank God. Seriously. I am so thankful to God for giving me Kevin. He has been a light in my life. Even tho 28 days to meet was rough, I remained as patient as I could be. I prayed and thanked Him for bringing Kevin into my life. And I will continue to pray for our relationship. I want this one to be done right. And that is thru God.

Weekend Wrap Up

*Thursday night, my Fridays, I went over to seem my old roomies. I hung out over there for awhile, got the scoop on the new roommates and how they hate them. lol
*Friday was my lazy day. I went grocery shopping. Made tator tot cass. Krystal was supposed to come over but she ditched me. So that was nice. lol Then later that night was when Kevin and I get into a little situation. And I cried. lol.
*Part of Saturday was quite lazy at first also. But then Saturday night Krystal and I went to play Bingo. So fun even if we never win. And we were the first outta the parking lot! WAHOOO! We won that. Ha.
*Sunday before work Kevin and I had that great convo. Then I went to work. While I was at work Kevin and I talked some more. That convo was also awesome. We talked about the future. Got some good info. We started the whole "I'm not on the pill" convo and he said he had a vasectomy. That made me sad, and he asked me if I wanted kids one day. I said I did. Just 1. A girl. I asked why he did that w/ only one kiddo. His reply was that he only wants one. I told him that made me a little sad but it didnt ruin everything. And he said he's not opposed to having more kids. Awww...seriously, guys. He'd be willing to put his junk back under the knife just to make adorable fat babies w/ me. If thats not true love...lol.

That was it. Exciting right? Arent you jealous of my life??

Much Better.

Phew, after that last post I was feeling like I was gonna lose it. I hate that feeling of unknown. My mind tortures me and comes up w/ these horrible ideas and it just starts to snowball out of control.
We talked this morning. He was saying he just wants to know someone loves him, or even likes him. I guess he was feeling me pulling back. So we got some stuff off our chest. It was needed.

And I am getting more comfortable w/ how I feel for him. Luckily we finally are meeting, Tuesday night. OMG! I am nervous but its about time. Since I am trying to just embrace the feelings w/o over analyzing them I am going to be the biggest romantic cheesy sap ever. Hope you got your nausea meds, lol. I have been listening to songs and picking apart lyrics. Finding quotes, etc. I love it.

And with that I will leave you with one from today...

"But something happened
For the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground
Found something true
And everyone's looking 'round
Thinking I'm going crazy
But I don't care what they say
I'm in love with you
They try to pull me away
But they don't know the truth..."

Leona Lewis - Bleeding Love

The One Where I have an Emotional Breakdown

So Kevin and I had our first little ... fight or something? I dont even know. But what was so crazy is that even tho we were communicating via IM he knew I was upset. We had been IM-ing back a forth for only a few mins. He's sick and I was asking how he was feeling. Then just out of now where he said you must be mad at me. I was thinking of the words I wanted to say. It too new for me to feel like I tell him the 100% truth bc I am very emotional and I'm afraid. Ok There I said it. I am afraid of him losing interest. SO I am trying to figure out the words when he replies I know babe...
I burst into tears. How in the world does he know?! I reply back that I am sad and I feel stupid. I explain to him that I am literally crying over a guy who I havent met yet that I have more feelings for then I can understand...and I have horrible luck dating and I am scared that I am getting played. I dont feel like you are lying or playing games. Its been an unfortunate series of uncontrollable situations that have kept you from me, but ... I'm still scared.
He replied that he understood and does he need to back off?
No way. That would be the worse. What I need from you is to reassure me that you arent a dickhead and that it will get better... we get thru it and he comforts me, by the end of our chat I am back to normal.

But I am frustrated right now bc we still havent met in real life. Between his work schedule, mine, his boy and his boys bday and halloween, and then him being sick it just hasnt worked out, just in the short 3 weeks we've been talking. Fine. Whatever. But then the other side of me gets nervous and a fear of rejection starts to creep up and it picks at the cracks in my armor. Rational Rhianna is rational and fine.

There is something different about our relationship. And its the whole "love" thing. I have such a hard time even accepting it to myself let alone letting anyone in my life know how strongly I feel for this man. I dont know why I feel this way. I cant explain it. I wish I could. But hand on the bible from day we started emailing back and forth I felt something. So it may not fit in with the typical timeline but oh well. I did it the "right" way the 1st time and look what happened.

Ugh... its 4:30 I need to sleep

8 Years Ago Today

Wow...tomorrow is our 8 year anniversary. And here I am finishing up the paperwork to file.

8 years ago today we were finishing up rehearsal and headed to Mamacitas for the Rehearsal Dinner, where we had a fajita buffet and margarita machine in the little room upstairs. :( After dinner Russell and I went to my Maid of Honors apt and got high and hung out. Freaking out what the next day was bringing us. Russell dropped me off at my parents drive way and I was inside before the clock rolled over to 12:00 am 11/1/03.

Russ will always have a piece of my heart, but bottom line I was too young to make a decision on who to spend the rest of my life with. Especially since it was w/ someone who was already established and grown. I have changed so much in 8 years and unfortunately we didn't grow together. I'll tell tomorrows story tomorrow.

Happy Halloween. Sigh...Kinda feel like a downer now. Sorry about that. Don't worry, I am happier now. Really. Kevin is... amazing. He makes me smile. I feel like I am beaming whenever I talk about him. I know our situation is unusual, but that's ok. We both have these indescribable feeling for one another and we both have agreed to just enjoy. So that's what we are doing. He has planned a date for us on Friday. I am so excited. And he said he will get a cell in the next day or 2, here's hoping. I told him I wasn't holding my breath. lol He's just so busy working 6-7 days a week. Any free time he has on weekends is spent w/ his boy. But this week he is supposed to be getting off at 2 everyday. Maybe I'll wake up to a text or phone call from him.

I am having a hard time finding another WLS I can attend bc of my schedule. Oooo.... I found one. At the same hotel Kevin works at... I haven't told him yet. Guess I'm gonna need to mention it. Hope hes ok w/ it. Ok new date 11/12/11.

Ghost and/or Goblins

I'm better. And no I didnt shed a tear. I was very upset tho. Not so much bc of him, just bc of my awesome dating experience leading up to him. I am scarred. I worry what his intentions are and maybe this is all a joke or fake. I have horrible horror stories from the short time I've been dating and its really done a number on my self confidence. Blah...maybe I should let him know?? IDK....

Got a last minute Halloween party invite. So now I am trying to figure out what can I put together tomorrow that cost $0. Bc Russ used my debt card and didnt tell me and it put me in the negative. I've thought of re-using my 80's costume. A baby/kid - just pjs, pigtails, slippers and a teddy bear or bottle. Alien Abduction - that one looks fun, but its gonna require a lot of sewing by hand, closing leg and arm holes. And I also so the Yip Yip guys from Sesame St and that looks easy but I would need some moola. Bummer...

I feel so blah right now. I had some random hot pockets and I am so worried I got food poisoning again*. I'm sure I'm fine, but man your brain is powerful. I got my tums, naus-ezzz and mint gum and only an hr left of work. So worse case scenario I can fight it until I get off.

*The one time I can for sure say I had food poisoning was from a pepperoni hot pocket. It happened years ago but I still suffer from PTSD, lol.

Anticipation is Killing ME!!

This is the reason stupid Kevin needs a cell phone. We IM-ed this morning for an hr or so then he got busy. He said he'd BRB but usually he gets swamped at work and I dont end up hearing from him up 9:30ish after he's gotten home and fed, washed and put his boy to bed. This normally wouldnt be the end of the world. I get it. BUT since we are finally meeting each other tomorrow morning I am feeling very...edgy? Thats not really the word I'm looking for. I need to be reassured that tomorrow is still happening. Was his mom ok w/ getting his boy off to school? Is his work schedule still clear? Ugh... Or worse yet, did he lose interest? Did he change his mind? Is he chickening out? And the longer I site here and go over every possible scenario the worse I get. So... I'm gonna stop. Just one last thing IF, for any reason, I dont see him tomorrow I am going to cry. Just fyi.

I freaking love tootsie rolls.

Especially the fruit and vanilla flavored ones.
Sorry had to get that out.

So... I need to file for divorce. How exactly do I do that? lol Ugh this part seems like a lot of work. I guess I better start googling. Sigh...
Russ begged to stay at the apt/car pool this week bc hes totally broke. I said yes but only after explaining to him that once Kevin moves to this side of town hes gonna have to be able to stand on his own 2 feet. So he we rode together today, right before we got to work he was looking kinda blah. I asked him what his problem was and he said he felt like he was getting a migraine. Oh boy! So after being at work for about 2-3 hours he puked all over himself and got sent home. Yay. NO! Hes in my car and hes going back to my apt. Now in case you dont know I suffer from emetophobia and it stresses me out beyond belief when I am around someone sick. Blerg. I hate it. But I cant talk about it anymore, gross...

Kevin was living in the stone ages and didnt have a cell. He said it was bc no one every called him so got rid of it. Well after talking to me he realized he needed one. lol So he was supposed to go today and start check some out. Thank God!! I hate it now. We currently can only communicate via yahoo or email. So its only after he gets home and gets settled for the evening. Or sometimes we talk on his phone in his office. Boo. I hate not being about to stay connected thru out the day.
He said last night that he has never introduced his son to any one he has ever dated but once he gets to know me a little better he looks forward to including me in the activities he does w/ his son. WOW!! That made me happy to hear that. He just makes me happy in general. I cant wait till his house sells so we can be closer. He's planning our date for Friday. I'm excited to see what he picks. I got a coupon for The Melting Pot, but thats like uber romantic. I dont know if he'd wanna do that so soon. Might be uncomfortable for him...lol. Actually I doubt that, hes moving things along pretty quickly.

Its driving me crazy that I havent talked to him today yet!! AAaaaaaaa...

Weekend Wrap Up

Friday I woke up w/ a sweet message from Kevin. I had intended to spend go grocery shopping and run a few other errands. I stopped by the Dollar Tree first and then headed over the Walgreens. By the time I was done there I didnt wanna do anymore shopping. I was hot and sweaty and the mosquitos* were swarming me like mad men. I had bought some halloween decorations but I wasnt gonna risk myself for that. And I have a whole brand new bottle of Off that I cant find anywhere. Ugh stupid.

Bingo

Saturday was my company picnic. Picked up Krystal and headed out there. It was such a nice day. I had 2 more tickets and gave those to my mom. The 3 of us had a blasty blast cracking up of dumb things like we like to do. We played some Bingo, didnt win then headed home. After dropping Krystal off, I went and got some Off. There was nothing left on the normal shelf, luckily there was a table set out and there were about 6 Deep Woods Off left. Thats it.



my purty momma




The Bestest BFF/Cousin and me



*So we have gone all summer long w/o any mosquitos. Normally we are fighting them all summer. But bc of the lack of rain we had none. Well it finally rained a good amout and a slight cool front and holy crap they are so bad. When I take chance out I literally have to dance around. They swarm any warm blooded creature as soon as you step outside. The only thing that sucks is I dont wanna come to work smelling like Off. And even after I walked Chance last night, I jumped right in the shower and it didnt seem to wash off? I guess its not supposed to come off that easy. So for the walk this morning I sprayed in on my clothes and wore 2 layers. Its so bad.

Thursday Thirteen

Heres are the 13 things on my brain right now.

1. Kevin - LOL of course. Sigh...I really like him.
2. My Family - This is to general for just one number so as I hit them they will get their own numbers. I feel so disconnected for some reason. I dont know if I am purposely doing it to keep from hurting or what.
3. My Mom - She left my dad and my relationship with her is ...changing. I love her so much, she is one of my best friends. But I found out stuff that had been happening that I felt like I didnt need to ever know. Now I have to figure out this new mother/daughter thing.
4. My Dad - Hes my stepdad. Yes I love him. Hes been w/ my mother and I since I was 2 but that doesnt change the fact that he is an alcoholic and an asshole. Do I want to have a continued relationship w/ him?
5. Ronnie - My older younger brother. He knocked up his gf and they are keeping it. Probably gonna get married. Dont like her. HATE that another person is having a freaking baby.
6. Halloween - I am so bummed out that we arent having our annual awesome party w/ the DJ. SO SO So so sad. Typically every year my mom throws a Halloween party w/ a DJ and everything and its awesome.
7. Ryland - His trial is quickly approaching. 1/26. OMG! I really worry that he has learned anything during this time locked up.I really dont think I can handle having to go my whole life visiting my baby brother in prison.
8. Russell - I wish I could just snap my fingers and make our situation normal. I hate the amount of involvement we still have. But I'm working on it. Just a few more weeks hopefully.
9. WLS - I had to cancel the last seminar and I am waiting for another Sat one to come along so I register again.
10. I want a baby. Its a phase but I do.
11. Being on my own and making it work. FYI Do not watch American Horror Story right before bed. OMG!!!!
12. Javi - I told him I had moved on and he got pissed at me. He only text me like once a week. He never has time to hang out. It took like 4 weeks to get him to come over and meet. Plus he isnt physically what I am interested in anyway so...no thanks.
13. Grocery shopping. I need to do it. I need cat litter, cat and dog food, milk, cheese, eggs, sugar, and lunch/dinner foods. I'm waiting....

So there ya go. 13 very random but honest thought I have had today. If not everyday.