Venting

Man...people just pissed me off at work. We got the official email for our new schedules. Now I have been screwed over and have been patiently waiting for this for...hmmm...6 months. And technically I wasnt even part of this shiftbid. Since I was completely screwed over I got to pick my shift first. Once I picked they pulled my shift out and then sent the shifts out. But anyway people feel like that wasn't fair. FUCK YOU! Get over it. My thing is this, what my schedule is and why I got it are my business. How abut you just worry about you? Now I know I'm nosey too but I dont get ugly. Thats the difference. So...20 days till my new schedule starts. Yay!!

July-Dec

I have kinda quickly started looking my blog for the 2nd half of my year and man...lol

July- My carpel tunnel was really bad. I was in so much pain and my hands and fingers were pretty much numb 24/7. I stayed single and on my dating break. I went and saw a garage apt from a friend of a coworkers. And decided to move in at the end of the month. Celebrated July 4th w/ family at the annual LC Park thingy and then went swimming. My blog turned 1 year old. Kelli had and placed Dylan for adoption. The same family as Reese. I celebrated my 30th bday w/ a fun 3-0 party w/ my fam. Went to Temple and moved into my new place.

August- Got settled into my garage apt. Kelli totaled her car. Basically had no internet and barely any cell coverage. Finally saw an ortho for my hands. And got cortisone shots which took away all my pain. Won concert tickets on the radio. Struggling w/ being single and feeling lonely. Decided to restart my dating profile. Had a flat tire, flat tire, blow out. Someone searched for Dead Guys email address and found my blog. Messaged Jon on okc after he checked out my profile. Gave him my number and texted a lot. Supposed to talk on the phone the night I got the blow out. Got stood up 4 times. But had a great first date with Jon. Dinner at Gringos.

September- 2nd date w/ Jon. Movies. Reminded that I am happier when I am faithful and go to church/pray regularly. Bday dinner w/ my dad. VMA party w/ Krystal. 3rd date. Bowling. 4th date. Dinner and back to my place to watch a movie. THE FIRST KISS YAY!! 5th date. 6th date. The offficial talk. We are facebook official. I finally have an awesome boyfriend. Yay. Hmm the 2nd/3rd/etc kisses. And the spark :) Went to his place for the 1st time. I fell in love w/ Jon. Chance and J met. He gave me the Kindle Fire. Spent the night for the first time, celebrated our 1 month and said I love you. Man this month was just all J all the time. lol

October- Reading 50 Shades of Grey kinda w/ Jon. He already read them. Dinner w/ Danny and Donna for the 1st time where Donna started moving me in, figuratively. Decided to wait to move in. Spent my off days at Jons house. Tried to leave for work but had a flat and ended up getting 4 new tires. Thanks babe. Eeesh. Decided to move in together at end of month. lol Got my smash book. I hate going back "home" to my apt on Fri nights. Finally told Juan I was moving out. Riley's Baptism and J meeting most the fam. Dinner w/ my mom and Pedro. Lunch w/ his mom and we went to the San Jacinto Monument and USS Texas Battleship. Dealt w/ the Donna 6 month fiasco. Officially out of my apt. Our 2 month anniversary. Carving pumpkins w/ Krystal. J and K meeting for the first time.

November- Got Chance forever. Did a daily thankful post for Thanksgiving. Participated in NaBloPoMo. The election. Danny went on a coke binge. They threaten to leave and J and I get prepared to be tight $$ wise. Krystals baby shower. Got Guitar Hero. J and I picked out our song. We also found our spot for our weekly date nights. I had a slight freak out but got over it. Had our first Thanksgiving, first at his moms then at my gmas. Bonfire at The Deweys. 3 months!!

December- I have another and the last irrational freak out. I get baby fever over baby Everett. Started Christmas shopping and planning for Jon. Rylands bday sparked a sad post. We got our Christmas tree. Found out I was going to have to work Christmas. Started the 12 days of Christmas. Our first Christmas. And today...our 4 month anniversary!!

Welp... that was the 2nd half of my yearly recap.
What can I say? I am def 100% happier going into Jan 2013 as I was Jan 2012. And the 2nd 1/2 was way better then the 1st. Thanks to my awesome bf. It was really neat reading back over our courtship. lol So sweet. I love my man. Cant wait to go home and kiss his face off and thank him for the last 4 months.
2013 will be awesome w/ him by my side. I just know it.

Jan-June Recap

I decided I wanted to do a Yearly Wrap Up. This last year sure has been a interesting one. I can think of a few major events. But I am sure as I read over each month lots of little things will pop up. Yay. Or not. And I will put links to the monthly recap and maybe some links on really popular entries.

January- Oh gawd...I almost dont even wanna recap this month. Basically it was supposed to be me and Kevins 3rd month together. He had moved to Dallas and I was waiting to move up there in Feb. He died in a car accident. And I was devastated...But then its all lies. All of it... I spent the rest of the month trying to figure out things. I did meet Marc that month and he has become one of my best guy friends and I am so lucky he came into my life when he did bc he really saved me from Kevin.

February- I didnt blog much in Feb. I was still very much trying to come to terms w/ the whole dead guy thing. We were broken up. I was moving on. I finally told the blog about Ryland, his whole story and he finally took a deal and started his sentence. I got flowers for valentines day. I went to Temple for work and celebrated my mommas bday. My carpel tunnel and sulfate allergies where really beginning to flare up. And I got my new phone. I also met Troy that month too.

March- I found out that dead guy was married. And I took him back...for a week. But then I regained consciousness. The lease was finally up in the apt me and my ex shared, so cleaning and packing all that up was kinda nice, to be done w/ that. I blogged even less this month. I moved into my grandparents.

April- Another slacker month of blogging. I re-entered the dating world, sorta. I was very wary. I didnt trust anyone. I pretty much relied on my friendship w/ Marc for male companionship. (Not like that, pervs) Just as someone who kinda kept me from feeling like I needed to rush into dating. I started talking to Chris. Went to Temple again.

May- Stayed at Krystals for a week. Had my first date w/ Chris. I was itching to get back out on my own. Kelli left rehab for the millionth time. I found a cute little house. Chris and I continue to date. Tried to move into the house but had mold and other issues. Chris and I spent Memorial Day Weekend at my gmas.

June- Chris and I "broke up." Quotations bc I dont think we were ever really official. June was emotionally hard for me. I was very stressed about family and then trying to date w/o dealing w/ assholes who were just trying to get in my pants. So I quit dating. Took a break. Chris and I tried to stay friends. My alternator went out on a trip to Temple. My brother and Erin had their baby, lil Riley Celine.

OK I'll stop there. The first half of the year kinda sucks. Hmm I wonder how the rest of the year will go :)

Its seems like so much of my time was consumed by either boy drama or family drama. But I mean, what else am I gonna blog about. When things are peachy, I dont blog bc what am I gonna say "yep still happy over here" lol. Yeah...

Camera Dump

Best Snack

They love each other

Xmas Bfast @ his moms

Someone is spoiled

Yay GC!

my purse and ipod from J

Christmas Haul

As usual I had an awesome Christmas. So blessed by my family. I had a lot of fun shopping for everyone and loved my gifts. I spent Christmas morning w/ Jons and his momma. She made us breakfast and then I finally got to open presents. After that I went to work until 3. Jon picked me up from work and we headed to my aunts where my family wait for me to show up to open presents. After that we just socialized for awhile until both J and I were getting sleepy. Plus the weather was getting bad. The temp was 78 on the drive to mom-in-laws ;) and then by the time we got home it was 42. Brrrrrr.

So heres what I gave:

Jon-

*12 Days Gifts

*3 new shirts

*New Jeans

*Portal 2 Replica Gun

*Mini Nerf Gun

Mom-

*Queer as Folk Complete DVD Set

*Star Wars Bank thingy

Dad-shorts

Ronnie-USB cord and GC to AMC

Riley-Toy Piano thing

Kacie and Randy (people we drew) GCs

Pedro-Sweater

And my haul from:

Momma-

*Microwave

*Toaster Oven

*Crock Pot

*Pretty custom jewelry box

Jon-

*iPod Nano

*Purse (that I have wanted soooo bad)

*GC to itunes

Krystal-Purses

Melissa-GC to Bath Body Works

Barbara-Scentsy Pot w/ scents and fuzzy socks

Ronnie-Kindle Fire cover

Gma-$25

Work-$50

Jon got a GC to Academy and Game Stop from my family.

I know its not about the giving or receiving but I like to post so I can remember 1, 5, 10 years from now what an awesome Christmas I had w/ my family.

Merry Christmas everyone. Cant wait to read everyones post about what they gave and got!!

Struggling Here

2 Days till Christmas. OMG. I am excited but not at the same time. I am so bummed out that I have to work. I'm wondering how J and I are gonna work this out. And if my family is going to wait on me. Ugh gosh I wish they would. Its not like I get to go to anything ever. Meh
Plus I'm sick. I have this awful sinus thing going on. So much pressure in my head, my nose is stopped up but running? And I have a mild fever and sore throat off and on. I really dont wanna be sick on Christmas. My damn head feels like its gonna explode.

Had a nice night w/ my love. Hes off until Weds. He doesnt know what hes gonna do w/ himself. I sure have enjoyed doing the 12 days for him. He is most deserving of it, thats for sure. I hope he really enjoyed it too. And I am looking forward to Christmas morning. And to see what I got too. Oh and see my momma open hers.

I dont know what but I havent been feeling the blog lately. Much more into tumlr. Maybe I'll do a year in review recap post in the next few days. Hmmm....

How was your trip?

Man I have been slacking.

The trip to see Ryland went really well. I rode w/ my parents and Ronnie. We had so much fun and it was so good to see Ryland. We got to take pics and as soon as we get them I will post here. He got to wear a cap and gown. My mom cried so much. And my mom and dad only got into one little fight that was about 2 mins long.

Poor lil J was so sad for me to leave. It was our first time apart. I was only gone for 1 day. How bad would it have been if it was longer. But he survived and we made it thru our first trip apart. lol

I am getting a little tickle in the back of my throat. And I was feeling a little feverish earlier. This would be a terrible time to get sick.

The 12 days of Christmas are going well. Heres a recap of what hes opened so far:

• 12 Scratch offs - He won $5
• $10 GC to Subway
• 10 Candles to light the bedroom ;)
• 9 Songs on a Youtube Playlist
• 8 Rice Krispies
• A bunch of Reese's
• Double Stuff Oreos
• $15 GC to 5 Guys
• 4 month anniversary photo collage
• ....

3 more days to go. I am getting antsy for my presents now.
K I'm lame and dont really feel like blogging today.

Crafts and Christmas

The new year is almost here and because of pinterest I have been thinking of some things I want to do w/ J and I as we start our first new year together. I saw this:

Start a one-line-a-day gratitude journal. Before bed, simply jot down one happy memory from that day. (If you have kids, you can ask them, "What was the best part of today?") Reflection is an important part of happiness, and pausing to reflect on a positive event from each day cultivates gratitude.

And while I dont think I want J and I to do a journal, I had mentioned to him the jar w/ the post it notes and said I would like to do that. So maybe combine the 2. I already have the jar. Just need some post it notes. IDK I think its cute.

Today is my Friday, whoop whop wop. Tomorrow morning J and I are going to his moms church for her Christmas concert thingy. Then I need to empty out my car and get it ready for the drive to Raymondsville. Going to see Ryry graduate. OMG I am so excited to see him. And there will be a luncheon too which is cool and pics that will be sent later. Yay!! I cant wait to give him a hug.

Today is the 10th day of Christmas. But I cant tell what the gift is bc hes opening it tonight when I get home. I am really enjoying these days. And I cant wait till Christmas morning. I hope he likes everything. So I talked to my boss and got my hours moved for Christmas day. Its not perfect but its better. I can spend the morning w/ J's fam, work for 4 hours and then my family from 4:30 on. I asked my mom to see if the fam would agree to moving dinner later. We will see.

O Christmas Tree, O Christmas Tree

Wednesday I ran around literally all day getting things together for The 12 Days of Christmas that I am doing for J. I got home in just enough time to wrap everything up, shower and get ready. It was date night!! Yay! :) We went to our usual little Mexican place right around the corner. Wasnt too impressed w/ my dinner but still a good night out w/ my love.
Then bc I couldnt stand it I wanted him to start the 12 Days. I gave him the option of going 12-1 or 1-12. He chose 12 first. So he got 12 scratch off lottery tickets. And this morning he got a GC to Subway for $10.
Yesterday I finally decorated for Christmas. I had been putting it off first bc Mr Picky was trying to find the perfect tree, which he did. And then I was gonna change the color scheme but decided I was ok w/ silver and blue. I decorated the mantel and fireplace, and the stairs too. So its def feeling like Christmas now. We did decide the tree was missing something, it needs another punch of color. We think a deep red ribbon wrapped around will finish it off.

PS The cowboy hat was kind of a joke. We didnt have a topper and I kept looking at the hat going, I think that would actually look good. Wrapped the hat in silver garland and stuck it up there. We loved it.

So Pretty.

PPS I got bad news when I got to work today that I have to work 4 hours on Christmas 2-6. BULLSHIT. I am pissed but trying to not have another bad day...

A Letter

12/12/12

Dear Ryland,

Happy 19th Birthday baby brother!! I cant believe you are 19. Holy crap. Time sure has flown by. You know I was 11 when you were born? We lived in the blue duplex in Dickinson. I was in 6th grade and went to Dunbar. I was really hoping you would be like Ronnie and be born on a school day. But nope momma went into labor early Sunday morning. I was spending the night at gmas. But someone called and woke gma up bc we went over there in the morning instead of church.
Momma is such a weirdo and had you at home naturally like me and Ronnie so I watch you being born. I remember Krystal started feeling woozy so we walked across the street to the coke machine to get her a soda.
When you finally greeted us momma actually said put it back when they said you were a boy. LOL Oops She wanted a girl. We were all surprises as far as our sex. Told you momma was weird. You were gonna be named Rayna Jazmine. But since you were a boy (duh) they named you Ryland Gordon-Lewis McCloud. Your middle name is after mom and dads fathers.
You were a good baby and adorable of course. When you were 9 months old you got really sick and wouldnt eat. Everyone was so worried about "fattening" you up. I remember gma brought over jello, pudding and ice cream. Anything to get you to eat. Whatever happened to you or just genetics you were tiny from then on out. You could fit into you baby clothes until you were almost 5. Weird.
Also around that time was when you started your evilness. Man you were mean and so bad. You would spit your milk on people. Steal things from my room and then when I'd chase you you'd run into your room and throw it. Which numerous times that was fingernail polish and resulted in broken glass and polish all over the walls and carpet.
You were also EXTREMELY insane about your food and clothes....just really anything. Your tantrums where on a whole other level. You would throw your body back slamming your head into anything, walls, concrete, whatever. If you wanted waffles for breakfast and we cut them, or didnt cut them, or put syrup on them, or didnt put syrup, if we accidentally touched them, ugh the list goes on and on.
BUT you were then and still are super sweet. The most lovable and loving little boy. Cuddly and warm. SO affectionate. And you could always make us laugh. Oh man, remember how you used to do your stripper dance. You were obsessed with your body. :) I wont tell all your stories. You'd probably be embarrassed. Sorry. I love you.
You were also the one to nickname me Lala. From the time I was learning to talk and every baby since then has always said Nana (Nah-nah) when trying to say my name. You called me Nana for about 2 weeks then decided yourself to call me Lala. From then on I am Lala. The family still calls me Lala. And I forget that other people, people outside the family done know Lala...
Which is why I have been so sad today...

The last letter you wrote got thrown away...My heart is broken. I know its just one letter but we dont get to share our lives like a normal brother and sister.

This is your 4th bday behind bars. You made some choice real early on that werent the best. No one will understand why you did. But we all hope and pray for you that this was your wake up call. You are serving your time. And when you get out you will still be young. Yes it will be tough but you are made from tough genes. We are not a weak family. Every single one of us will support you and help you 100% as long as you are doing the right thing.

Ryland. You and I have always had a strong bond. You are my mini me...just more extreme. lol I am also very emotional and hard headed. You got my named tattooed on you before momma's. This time about has been so hard on me. But I suck it up. I hold in the tears (mostly) and I go on. I just miss you so much...

Just please please please remember your actions affect everyone who loves you. Dont go back. My heart cant take it.

I love you.
Your Big Sister,
Lala
xoxox

Christmas is Coming

I am getting so excited and antsy about finishing up my Christmas shopping. And I am also doing a "12 Days of Christmas" for Jon. So I have been putting that together too. OMG I love Christmas. Weds when I get paid I'm gonna get the rest of my gifts and all the stuff for wrapping them up. And I need to get some stuff to decorate the tree.

Ugh my abs are killing me, so is my throat. I had my heartburn/reflux throw uppy thing last night. So Jon got to see that for the first time. I was so annoyed. I hate when that happens. If I catch it soon enough its not too bad but it was really bad last night. Its took forever to settle my stomach afterwards. I need to buy some crackers to keep in the room. That was one of the reasons it was so bad. Normally I eat some bland to reduce the acid but there was nada. Man....it was so bad. And Jon was able to fall asleep in the middle of it, once I told him that I'm ok I mean. Thats like the #1 reason I wanna lose weight. Boo.

Hmmm I am wondering how the weight loss thing is gonna go between my schedule changing and us moving. Its really gonna depend on me cooking every night. I'm asking my mom for a crock pot for Christmas so guess we'll be eating a lot out of there, lol. But I dont wanna put off making our "life style" changes till April. I am eager to get this show on the road. I usually start to feel better physically pretty quick, within about 30lbs or so. I start sleeping better, my skin looks better, etc. And I am tired of my ankles swelling up everyday. Thats a new thing that just started about...hmm...4 months ago and I HATE it bc its a daily reminder that "hey you're still fat!!" Thanks ankles/poor circulation, I know! But the point of that was that I hate going upstairs to cook. Makes me feel like I am invading their space.

Ok well my evening is almost over.
<3
Me :)

Sneaky Devils

I dont exactly know the reason but I have been letting little things here and there distract me from my happiness. It clicked to me today and I am not gonna deal w/ that shit. I have a whole lot to be happy about right now. And no one or nothing deserves to take that away from me. I am in love w/ an awesome man, he loves me and I deserve to be 100% happy right now. I am conscious of what I was letting happen and it wont be happening anymore.

I cant get enough of him. He makes me so happy. I love our time together. The giggling over dorky things. Holding hands riding in the truck. So yeah I am not gonna waste my time, our time, I'm not gonna waste one moment on that any more. My focus is back where it should have stay.

I long you top honey bunches of oats ;)

"And he is good, so good..."

Oh Baby, baby fever...

So...moving along after that last overly emotional post. Just gonna say I talked about it w/ Jon and a close friend and you will hopefully not see those post from me anymore.

Tuesday I drove to Clear Lake to see Krystal and lil baby Everett. They got to come home Tuesday afternoon. I dropped off Chance w/ my ex, went and saw my gma for a few, it was her bday, and then went to Krystals for awhile. Everett is a great little baby. He snuggled up w/ me for hours. Literally drooling down my shirt. Such a comfy little bugger. Stayed over there for awhile till we all got sleepy. Came home and realized I had a horrible splinter in my foot. J had fun trying to get that stupid thing out. I was screaming bloody murder. Why do those dumb things have to hurt so bad!!? UGH.

Did a whole bunch of nothing yesterday. My stomach was cramping so I just laid around, sleeping, watching tv. Jon had to go to a class till late. So it was a pretty boring day. Today wasnt that much more exciting. Got Chance back.

Yup. That was about it. lol

Spent some much needed cuddle time w/ J. I miss him when a few days go by and we just kinda see each other in passing. During our cuddle talks tonight I ask him if he felt like we were just like floating thru the days. Like not really living. Waiting so we can our life together. Just going day by day, marking another day off the countdowns. 44 till my schedule changes, which that one will be a big one for us. I cant hardly wait till we can actually spend every night together AND weekends. WHAT!!? Whats that? Will we be able to handle it? lol Of course we will. Then in Feb/March we will be looking and moving into our own place. We have to be out of here by April 2. I'm sure we wont wait THAT long, but we can use that for a countdown. Hold on, lemme count it up...brb...

114 DAYS UNTIL WE WILL DEF 100% BE JUST THE 2 OF US.
Oh boy. I cant freaking wait. Seriously.
Mkay well I had really planned on going to bed early but I freaking fell asleep w/ J when we were cuddling...dang it...

Anyone watching X Factor?

Sorry J this ones gonna upset you

I wanna start off this post w/ saying:

1. I am being irrational.
2. I am very happy.

I'm just having an "off" day. So I need to do some dumping of my emotional baggage.

I'm not sure what is exactly is triggering this "freak out." Well...yes I do. It all stems from something seemingly so innocent. Something I KNOW isnt an issue. I feel like I am not completely satisfying J. He has done nothing to make me feel inadequate and this is where the irrational thing comes in. I dont want to share our personal issues here, but let me use an example from the 50 shades books (sorry it was the first idea that came to mind). In the book, he gets pleasure out of inflicting pain in the bedroom, but she isnt interested in pain. She struggles w/ the future of their relationship bc she feel how can he be happy LONGTERM if she cant give him want he finds pleasurable. So its kinda like that. Its not that tho, lol. (I'm not opposed to pain) Oh :) Theres that.
Then I get scared about our short time together. I feel like normally couples in our "phase" spend so much time together and it helps build their love. You would never doubt each others feelings or anything bc you know. You can see it over and over all day long. But we dont get that. This schedule leaves too much time for someone like me, a worrier. I'm scared that all this time apart from me that he'll change his mind. That he'll decide he doesnt want to be w/ me. That he doesnt want me in his life...That he'll stop loving me...

That is was all just a lie.

I am so scared. Like as I type this I have tears in my eyes. I cant imagine losing him. I mean, I can imagine it and then I get myself all worked up. I guess I was more fucked up from my past then I thought.

But like I said I know better. And 95% of the time I dont let myself do this. Sometimes I...just feel like...

I dont know what I did to deserve him. To be happy...

Carrie Underwood - Mama's Song