Seriously? You have GOT to be kidding me!

Friday, October 26, 2012

On My Mind

After I posted Wednesday night Donna came down and wanted to talk to me. Basically the jist of it was there are some people in J's life who feel like I may be using him. Donna feels like she can tell I am not necessarily using him, bc she thinks that since I have been treated so badly in my past that I find J safe. That I am enjoying his company now but it will fade. She gives us 6 months. She tells me not to give up my job, don't go to part time, bc I have already given up enough and then I'll be stuck. She says some other stuff. Basically saying J and I weren't compatible long term. We wont lose weight. He cant do this, he wont do that, etc.

I don't know how to get all this out. I have been processing it for a few days and its still just bugging me. Sitting in the back of my mind. I understand the protective side. J being innocent and the people around him not wanting me to hurt him, etc. But I'm the one whose been hurt. My family is the protective ones. Its weird to be on the "other side." Plus my feelings are kinda hurt. I love J. I haven't felt this way in a long time. And damn sure no one has deserved it as much as J does.

I guess what I need to get out and off my chest is that no I didn't expect to fall for Jonathan. You don't go into a first date expecting anything. Or otherwise you are just setting yourself up for failure. No we didn't have a immediate passionate sexual connection. Yes I have had those in the past. Do I think that is necessary to be present from day one? No. Why not? Bc on day one, and especially for both J and I, we held back. I cant speak for him but I know I was for sure was on guard. And I was for a few dates bc I was scared. And tired. Tired of being hurt. Tired of giving myself to someone only to have them take and take, and lie and use me, etc.

Me and J's relationship is VERY different then any other I have had. Ever. We started slow. He respected me. We dated. We got to know each other. We developed an emotional connection before we were physical. And somehow since I am typically the girl who rushed into physical acts and J isn't that means we aren't gonna work out and I'm using him. That's bullshit.

What I did know about J going in was that he was different. And that did draw me to him. Not bc I wanted to take advantage but bc I feel like I deserve to be treated w/ respect. After the first date, I knew I wanted to know more about him. After the 2nd date I could feel myself starting to have deeper feelings. By the end of the 3rd date I knew I wanted him to be my bf. How in the world is that me using him??

Oh well. If this goes back to the tires, which I'm sure it does, I cant change that. He did that. If its about me living w/ him after such a short time...really? Ummm need I remind you I provided my own way. He didn't move me from my moms to his house, thank you. And if one day he and I decide for me to go part time or hell not work at all, that's between me and J and no one else. Or worsest (lol) case scenerio I need to move out and get my own place I can do that too. So mind yo bid-ness. Mkay.

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