Seriously? You have GOT to be kidding me!

Sunday, October 14, 2012

U G L Y You aint got no alibi

All the ladies at work are sitting here talking about being fat and diets and omg and "I wanna be a size 4"

I am going to go postal on this place in just a minute.

Heres the deal, I am the biggest person in Answering Service, and in my family, where this happens a lot too. Let me explain something to you. If you are a size 4, 14, or a 24, if you hate yourself there is no amount of dieting that will change that. Losing those 20 lbs wont magically make you happy. Starving yourself. Restricting yourself. Comparing yourself to others. Being totally consumed w/ what the media says, Dr's say, BMI, etc....I could go on and on.

That is no way to live your life. I am not saying let yourself go and be unhealthy. But the first thing you need to do it look at yourself. Really take a look at your body. Do you love your body for what it is? I think thats the first step. Ok here it goes I am over 300lbs and I'm 5'2. I love my body. I love my body more now then I did when I was 175. I have fat fingers, arms, boobs, tummy, ass, thighs, and knees. (My calfs, ankles and feet have remained pretty skinny actually lol) I am round all over. Chubby round face. I jiggle. And I am sexy. Every jiggle. I am beautiful. Every roll. And its none of your business.

Since I was young, 5-6 I was always kinda chubby. My mom and dad kept me active tho. Restricted my meals. I never got snacks, sweets or soda. If I did it was diet. No seconds for dinner. Water or milk between meals. I remember being sent home w/ a "Fat Cat" paper in 5th grade w/ my weight on there, saying I was overweight. I went thru puberty young and in JR high I was 5'2" and 175 which was big for a JR High girl BUT I wasnt a JR High girl. My body was a womans body. I was athletic. I had a nice thick athletic body. I maintained that weight all thru HS mostly. I did put on about 20 lbs by the end of my senior year. So 200 lbs. Which may sound high but honestly I carried my weight well bc I had a lot of muscle.

My family didnt see it that way. I was forced to diet. I was fat as far as they were concerned. From JR till my freshman year I was forced to do weight watchers. When the other grandkids got to go to Dairy Queen I was never taken. My gma would forced feed the other cousins and constantly comment on how thin they were. But if I was in the kitchen there wasnt a reason for me to be in there. My aunts, gma and mom were constantly on diets. My whole life. They are always suffering thru their "fatness."

As soon as I got outta the house I lost it. All the years of restriction. I binged. I gained 50 lbs in 1 year. 25 more the following year. Now I'm 19 and weigh 275lbs. I start dieting and here comes the yo-yo's. When I was 21 I lost apprx 75lbs in 3 months and I am down to 225-230 and then up. And then down. And then up. And then down. I have now been my current weight for about 3 years. I refuse to diet anymore. I dont care what my family says. I am not doing the yo-yo anymore. Its worse for me everytime I go back up.

About a year ago I decided I am not going to be ashamed of my weight. I mean, I never really have, but I kinda feel that way around my family. I have slowly started speaking out against this fat attack they seem to have. I remember one family function where most the females were sitting around talking about some bullshit dieting thing and how awful it is when they are in their fat jeans and blah blah blah. I just finally snapped and said you know you can actually be fat and happy. My happiness is NOT related to a number on scale.

Yes. I want to lose weight. For 1 reason. Bc I want to. But I wont do it until I know I am ready for the life time commitment. I feel like I am getting there. And honestly I am kinda excited to do it w/ J. Its not about what you think I should look like. Or clothes or any of that. There are some personal reasons, like I wanna have a healthy pregnancy. But its not a number on the scale, my BMI, etc. I will set myself a long term goal and several short term ones, both scale #'s and non scale goals. And if I dont get to my "goal weight" but I am healthier and my body feels right then I wont stress about what YOU say I should want to achieve.

So fuck you. Yes, I'm fat. But you're ugly. At least I can lose weight. Oooooooooooo :)

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